The NFL Recap, Week Eleven

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

To be honest, we’re creatively spent.

It’s difficult to come up with appropriate themes each week to recap the football season. We’re saving the "What Each NFL Team is Thankful For" theme for next week, when every sports columnist will have beaten it into the ground more than the Pacers-Pistons brawl. And it’s hard to keep coming up with jokes about the Redskins. Okay, it’s not so hard, but we’re missing our best material. Steve Spurrier is now the head football coach at South Carolina, Danny Wuerffel is running a ministry in Louisiana and Danny’s glove is one of the competitors on the current season of "The Apprentice."

But soldier on we will – and this week, we’ve hit upon a new theme. This week, each game will be summarized by a quote from one of America’s greatest philosophers, a man who should need no introduction – Homer J. Simpson. Please note – we’re skipping the Dolphins-Seahawks contest, since we’re not certain the Dolphins still belong in the NFL.

Score: Buffalo 37, St. Louis 17

Quote:

"If you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet – they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!"

Summary: Doesn’t this quote sum up the Rams appropriately? We’re starting to wonder if Rams coach Mike Martz may actually borrow Homer’s brain during the games. Meanwhile, Buffalo is a team with a lot less talent, but a ton of heart, and the decaying corpse known as Drew Bledsoe snapped back to life with a three TD performance. This is just a guess, but Bledsoe probably doesn’t have many more games like this left. Then again, Martz probably doesn’t have many games left as a head coach.

Score: Baltimore 30, Dallas 10

Quote:

"Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."

Summary: If you wanted to summarize the Cowboys' season, this would be a good way of doing it. The Ravens are now 7-3, and have a QB whose slow maturation will now lead to coach Brian Billick formally declaring himself a genius, making him even more insufferable than he is now. Yeah, we didn’t think it was possible either, but give him a chance. As for Dallas, the fact that the Cowboys and Bears are playing on Thanksgiving is pretty appropriate on a day when Americans will consume approximately 400 million pounds of turkey (and that’s just in Michael Moore’s house).

Score: New York Jets 10, Cleveland 7

Quote:

"To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems."

Summary: This is for the fans of both teams, who had to watch the whole game. Besides, the two teams combined have not won a title since January 1969. Heck, if you live in Cleveland, alcohol probably seems like a good idea any time.

Score: Pittsburgh 19, Cincinnati 14

Quote:

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’, without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.'"

Summary: Every Cincinnati fan must dream of the day that their team wins a huge game against a playoff contender. Some of them might even remember the last time they did it. They just want a chance to feel special, just once, to feel like a top-tier team, like the Steelers. Oh, well. Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger is 8-0 as a starter, and gets to play the Redskins this week. Some people just live right.

Score: Indianapolis 41, Chicago 10

Quote:

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

Summary: This is how defenses must feel facing Peyton Manning. Manning now has 35 TD passes, and is on pace to shatter Dan Marino’s league record of 48 before Christmas. Oh, wait, he plays Detroit on Thanksgiving. He could conceivably shatter the record by the weekend. As for the Bears, they just started Craig Krenzel against Peyton Manning. I’m not sure Vegas should offer odds in such a game.

Score: Minnesota 22, Detroit 19

Quote:

"Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’"

Summary: It’s time for Detroit to end the Joey Harrington experiment. The man just threw for 91 yards against the league’s third-worst passing defense. We’re reasonably certain that a trained monkey might pull off the same, and with a lower cap number (unless the monkey was a free agent signee by Dan Snyder, of course). Meanwhile, the Vikings offense continues to show that they have great ability combined with somewhat limited intelligence. Expect a first round playoff exit at best.

Score: Carolina 35, Arizona 10

Quote:

"Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

Summary: Sorry, we just wanted to use this quote to weasel out of writing a recap. I mean, who would watch this debacle? Next.

Score: Tennessee Titans 18, Jacksonville Jaguars 15

Quote:

"It’s like that time I could have seen Mr. T at the mall. I kept saying ‘I’ll go a little later. I’ll go a little later.’ Then when I finally went, the men at the mall told me he just left."

Summary: Right now, the Jags are lamenting a lost opportunity. The playoffs beckoned, and the Jags were keeping pace with first place Indy in the AFC South. This division loss, to a beat-up Titans team, will be very costly at the end of the season.

Score: Tampa Bay 35, San Francisco 3

Quote:

Lisa: "Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today!"

Homer: "You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? Do you?"

Summary: 49ers fans probably want a gun to put themselves out of their misery. As for the Bucs, Jon Gruden has turned his team into a dangerous opponent down the stretch. Although we’re still waiting for QB Brian Griese to shoot himself in the foot.

Score: Denver 34, New Orleans 13

Quote:

"Stealing? How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-His-Name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?"

Summary: The Saints are simply stealing money from their owner right now. This game was so easy, the Broncos are probably wondering why they got a second straight bye week.

Score: San Diego 23, Oakland 17

Quote:

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get."

Summary: The Chargers had to visit Oakland and escaped the drunken louts in the Black Hole with a win. We’re reasonably certain those people have to be drunk, because no sober person would dress and act like that. Well, except maybe Ron Artest.

Score: Atlanta 14, New York Giants 10

Quote:

"Oh, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless."

Summary: Eli Manning gets his first start while Kurt Warner sits down. The Giants had lost three straight and yielded to reality, recognizing that Manning could do no worse than Warner. Meanwhile, the Falcons continue to just keep winning while flying under the radar. At this point, this team is the legitimate #2 seed in the NFC, which may say more about the conference than the Falcons.

Score: Philadelphia 28, Washington 6

Quote:

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

Summary: If anyone’s offended, Mark Nelson’s responsible for that quote. As to the Redskins, perhaps they would be better at hot oil wrestling. They couldn’t be worse. Maybe the Redskins will spend the week trying to convince Joe Gibbs to let Patrick Ramsey thrown the ball more than three yards down the field. The Eagles continue their stroll to the NFC East Title -- with a win this Sunday, they would clinch the division before December begins. Maybe every other team in the division should try hot oil wrestling.

Score: Green Bay 16, Houston 13

Quote:

"This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, who beat City Hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!"

Summary: Brett Favre was down 10 in the fourth quarter in Houston. Packers win anyway. Even David couldn't have won if Goliath had Brett Favre slinging the rock. Of course, Dan Rather is now reporting that he has documents proving Favre is a space alien. Actually, that might be more believable than the plots in CBS prime-time dramas.

Score: New England 27, Kansas City 19

Quote:

Homer: "So I said to him, ‘Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!’"

Lisa: "Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?"

Homer: "I dunno. Coast Guard?"

Summary: Sorry, I just really wanted to use that quote. KC is now 7-11 since opening last season 9-0. The Patriots are 24-1 since opening last season 0-2. Game over.