The NFL Recap, Week Twelve

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

All right, the triptophan is finally starting to fade. As is the spectre of the offensive offensive display we were forced to watch by three of the four teams on Thanksgiving. Let’s all give thanks for the Colts, who scored enough points for all four teams. Then again, Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt missed an extra point. Of course, he’s Canadian and wasn’t celebrating Thanksgiving anyway.

Hey, we promise, we deliver. From each of our games this weekend, what the teams and/or their fans are grateful for…

Colts 41, Lions 9

The Colts are thankful they took Peyton Manning in 1998 instead of Ryan Leaf, who might be a bigger turkey than the movie Alexander. The Lions are thankful they only see Peyton Manning every four years, unless the teams were to meet in the Super Bowl – well, we finally have a reason why it’s good the Lions never make the Super Bowl.

Cowboys 21, Bears 7

The Cowboys are thankful that they got to play the Bears, whose offense may need to consider punting regularly… on first down. The Bears are thankful for Jeff George… by itself, that tells you how bad this team is.

Eagles 27, Giants 6

The Eagles are thankful for Coach Andy Reid, their fourth consecutive division title, and the fact that the Commissioner may decide to give them a pass to the Super Bowl rather than making fans watch the NFC playoffs. The Giants are thankful that the New York sports fans are still in shock from watching the Yankees lose four in a row to the Red Sox, and therefore unlikely to care about a football team that’s lost five out of six games… and are still in the playoff race.

Texans 31, Titans 21

The Texans are thankful for David Carr, Andre Johnson and the fact that they didn’t have to play the Packers and Brett Favre this week. The Titans are thankful that their franchise moved from Houston to Tennessee – as a result, they never need to wear those horrible powder-blue uniforms the Oilers used to wear.

Panthers 21, Buccaneers 14

The Panthers are thankful the NFC stinks, which has allowed the defending NFC champs to somehow return to the playoff race after a 1-7 start. Bucs kicker Martin Grammatica is thankful that gamblers don’t have his home address, after his three missed field goals killed the Bucs chances.

Vikings 27, Jaguars 16

The Vikings are thankful that even a late-season choke act like last year’s may not even cost them a playoff berth this season. The Jaguars are thankful that Randy Moss wasn’t at full strength, or they may not have been in this game at all.

Steelers 16, Redskins 7

The Steelers are thankful that they can’t lose with rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger, who’s now 9-0 as a starter. Redskins fans are thankful for the Wizards. Hey, I’m trying to be nice.

Bengals 58, Browns 48
The Bengals are thankful for the fact that even though they live in Ohio, they don’t live in Cleveland. The Browns are thankful for the fact that their own futility has been obscured for so many years by the Bengals. No wonder these teams played each other on Thanksgiving.

Chargers 34, Chiefs 31

The Chargers are thankful that first round pick Philip Rivers held out and allowed QB Drew Brees to win the starting job, since Brees has the Bolts at 8-3 and in first place. Then again, these are the Chargers – they’ll find a way to screw it up. As for the Chiefs, they’re thankful that their defense doesn’t protect anything important, like their homes, their banks or national security.

Dolphins 24, 49ers 17

I’m thankful that I didn’t watch this game. Next.

Jets 13, Cardinals 3

The Jets are thankful that they have two straight wins despite scoring only two touchdowns the last two weeks. The Cardinals are thankful that coach Dennis Green is running out of quarterbacks that he can replace – Green just announced that rookie John Navarre will be starting this week. At this rate, Green may be starting Tom Brokaw by Week 17 – it’s not like Brokaw is doing anything.

Falcons 24, Saints 21

The Falcons are thankful for QB Michael Vick and TE Alge Crumpler, who combined on a late TD to give them their ninth win. They’re also thankful they were playing the Saints. Saints coach Jim Haslett will likely be thankful for severance pay following the season.

Patriots 24, Ravens 3

The Patriots are thankful for coach Bill Belicheck and Corey Dillon’s arrival in New England – the team is unbeaten with Dillon in the lineup. The Ravens are thankful to leave the cold of New England behind, and also thankful that the pundits haven’t figured out that their defense is overrated, particularly versus the run.

Bills 38, Seahawks 9

The Bills are thankful their nine-game road losing streak is over, and are also thankful they got out of Buffalo for a week. The Seahawks are thankful that they play in the NFC, where their fraudulent claim to being a Super Bowl contender actually has some life.

Raiders 25, Broncos 24

The Raiders are thankful for nothing – these are the Raiders, they don’t believe in thanking anybody. The Broncos defense is thankful that coach Mike Shanahan can’t have them beaten with a rod for blowing an 11 point lead in the last five minutes.

Packers 45, Rams 17

The Packers and their fans are thankful for everything – they’re even thankful they live in Wisconsin. The Rams fans are thankful that Mike Martz may be able to coach himself into unemployment before the end of the month.