The Baseball Preview

Thank you, Jose Canseco.

It's usually inordinately difficult to write a baseball preview. You're supposed to meander through all these wonderful tales of springtime (when it's actually still winter) about how hope springs eternal for every team (when we're probably going to spend October with Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones and very drunk Red Sox fans) written eloquently (ahem... let's just say that's not why one visits this site) and designed to illustrate how this game still is still America's favorite (um... that would be football).

And then, Jose (Can You See) comes along and gives us his lurid tale about steroid use in the big leagues, providing me countless opportunities for bathroom humor. Literally -- when Canseco talks about standing in a bathroom stall with Mark McGwire and injecting one another in the posterior region... let's just say that redefines potty humor. Granted, I could accomplish the same thing with a riff on the phrase "pitchers and catchers report", but that wouldn't be nice.

But we're here to make some fearless predictions about the upcoming baseball season (and make jokes about steroid use). So here goes, with the top 20 predictions about the upcoming season.

Prediction #1: We will see a lot of jokes about steroids, Jose Canseco and whether Rafael Palmeiro's use of Viagra was necessitated by his steroid use.

Prediction #2: The Braves will win the National League East. Do I even need to explain this? The last time the Braves lost their division title, I was in high school with a full head of hair and Corey Haim still had a movie career. The Marlins will give the Braves a serious run, but Vegas should stop letting people bet against the Braves winning the division. People talk about La Russa and Joe Torre as Hall of Fame managers, but Bobby Cox is the equal of anyone and deserves enshrinement.

Of course, since they're the Braves, they won't win the World Series. Then again, I won't ever overcome baldness and Haim will never have another hit movie. Some things will never change.

Prediction #3: The A's will not win the American League West, no matter how smart Billy Beane is. The Angels have far more talent, the Rangers will play well with a monster lineup and the Mariners... well, they'll probably suck, but there's always the off-chance that their young pitchers suddenly live up to reputation. You know, about the same chance Paris Hilton has of finding Jesus. No matter what, the Angels will win the division.

The A's dominance has been based on the philosophy outlined in Moneyball, but even Beane can't save his team from a one-season adjustment to the loss of Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder. We're confident the A's will be okay in the long run (when, as John Keynes pointed out, we're all dead), but we tend to doubt their ability to overcome the loss of two perennial Cy Young candidates so easily. If they do, we'll be the first ones lobbying for Beane to immediately enter the Hall of Fame, alongside Canseco and a bag of used needles.

Prediction #4: The Washington Nationals will probably stink, but no one in DC will care. I need to to go buy a red W cap, just to annoy all the folks in this area who hate red states and W. This is a godsend, folks.

Prediction #5: We will not see any stories about a Red Sox curse this year. This does not mean Red Sox fans will quit cursing, however. Or whining, for that matter. On the plus side, maybe the Yankees are cursed -- it's been almost half a decade without a world title, after all.

Prediction #6: The Padres will win the NL West. No, I don't really have a good reason for making the prediction, but that's true for all of these. Let's go over the division quickly so you understand. The Diamondbacks lost 111 games and then traded their ace. The Dodgers won the division, then lost their best position player and two other key offensive contributors while having a ton of questions about the health of their pitchers. The Rockies won 68 games last year, and their best off-seaon move was getting rid of Denny Neagle's contract. As for the Giants, the average starting age of their projected Opening Day lineup is 36 years old, which means a whole lot of Miracle Ice balm in the clubhouse... at least that's what Barry Bonds will be telling the press he thought was in the cream.

Prediction #7: Jessica Alba will dump Derek Jeter. Put this in the fondest wish department.

Prediction #8: Roger Clemens will not win the NL Cy Young. Look, if he wins it again, they should just re-name the award in one of the leagues after him. For the sake of humanity, let's guess Mark Prior returns healthy from his injuries and give him the award. And Tim Hudson will finish second.

Prediction #9: The Phillies, even with diminished expectations, will disappoint the few fans who go to watch them instead of their new ballpark. And even better, their farm system is going to be barren for several years, which always leads to bad news. I mean, look what happened when Jennifer Aniston was barren for a few years.

Prediction #10: Minnesota and Cleveland will battle down to the wire in the AL Central, with the Twins hanging on at the end. And most of America will not care. Okay, Drew Carey and Al Franken might care. But that's about it.

Prediction #11: The American League Cy Young will probably go to Randy Johnson. But since he's now sold his soul to Satan and pitches for the Yankees, we've decided that we'll pick... Rich Harden of the A's. Yes, that's different. No, it's more stupid than gutsy.

Prediction #12: Only about nine people have read this far. And that's being generous.

Prediction #13: The National League Central will go to... oh, hell, let's be different and pick the Cardinals. They only 105 games last year and added a Cy Young candidate in Mark Mulder. Man, I see all sorts of reasons to pick the Cubs or Astros with that happening, don't you? With that being said, the Cubs will win the NL wild-card, mostly so we can watch people in Chicago in total agony all fall.

Meanwhile, the rest of the division looks like crap on a stick, and that might be generous in the case of Milwaukee. Or maybe we should say they're worse than Old Milwaukee.

Prediction #14: The NL MVP will be Albert Pujols. The AL MVP will be someone who didn't spend any time in a bathroom stall with Jose Canseco. We'll get back to you when we figure out if there's anyone left in the AL. Until then, we'll take Vlad Guerrero.

Prediction #15: The Red Sox will win the AL East, and the Yankees will win the wild card. Like anyone cares what happens to the Blue Jays, Orioles or Devil Rays. In fact, I'm guessing more Americans can identify Devil Dogs than Devil Rays.

Prediction #16: Mike Greenwell's quest to take back Jose Canseco's 1988 MVP trophy will not go anywhere, because no one cares what Green well thinks. However, Don Mattingly will use the idea to sue Roger Clemens for the 1986 MVP, winning a steel cage match at Wrestlemania for the title. Hey, that's bound to be more entertaining that whatever does headline Wrestlemania.

Prediction #17: Kevin Millar's story from last season's ALCS will prove inspirational to several teams:

During the American League Championship Series against the Yankees last year, Millar and some of his teammates drank a shot of Jack Daniels minutes before the last two games. "Too much was made of that,'' he said. "That had nothing to do with alcohol. That was symbolic. That was about unity. We won, so we had a toast. We won, we had a toast.''

This year, things will get out of hand in the playoffs, with some teams drinking between innings as well. Eventually, George Steinbrenner will order the Yankees to do kegstands behind second base, and Tim McCarver will have kittens while describing how well Derek Jeter can suck on... well,we'll leave that alone. Let's just say that by the time the postseason is over, Daryl Strawberry will be begging to come out of retirement.

Prediction #18: At least one of these predictions will be right.

Prediction #19: At least one of these predictions will be wrong.

Prediction #20: The Cubs will beat the Angels in the World Series, if only because it will increase sales of Jim Belushi's obscure craptastic movie, Taking Care of Business. Hey, nothing like sticking a BTO song in your head at the end of the column.