The NCAA Opening Weekend Update

Well, the first weekend of the tournament is over, and we’re sure of only thing: Billy Packer is still an annoying twit.

Speaking of which, we’re actually shocked to report that there are things that made us almost as ill as listening to the aforementioned Mr. Packer this weekend. First, let’s all bask in the weekend that was – the true feast of college basketball that features 48 games in 4 days, not counting the NIT (which doesn’t count anyway). It’s truly a wonderful weekend when any of the following 16 (in honor of the 16 remaining teams) things occur:

1. Bobby Knight reaches the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in a dozen years, allowing us to potentially see a chair tossed, a player choked or a screaming fit worthy of Howard Dean.

2. Kentucky starts a guard with the delightful name of Rajon Rando, which is close enough to our own nickname to merit inclusion on our annual Cherokee Parks Memorial All-Name Team (no, Parks is not dead – but when’s the last time you heard from him?). The other members include Vermont's Germain Mopa Njila (a certain Hall of Famer for this category) and Taylor Coppenrath, Arizona’s Channing Frye, Georgia Tech’s Jarrett Jack, Louisville’s Taquan Dean, Wake Forest’s Vytas Danelius, Pitt’s Chevon Troutman, St. Mary’s Daniel Kickert, LSU’s Tack Minor, West Virginia’s Kevin Pittsnogle, UAB’s DeMario Eddins, GW’s Pops Mensah-Bonsu, UCLA’s Dijon Thompson, Old Dominion’s Arnaud Dahi, N.C. State’s Engin Atsur, Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s Boo Davis, Alabama A&M’s Obie Trotter, Delaware State’s Jahsha Bluntt, Pacific’s Guillaume Yango and the unforgettable JamesOn Curry of Oklahoma State.

3. In case you’re wondering, the criteria for selection to the Cherokee Parks Memorial All-Name Team is rather simple – do I want to name my son after any of these people? If the answer is yes, the name’s appearing on the list. At this point, I’m planning to name my son RajOn Yango Njila Pai, to be nicknamed “Tack”, which is yet another reason my fiancée is reconsidering the entire wedding idea.

4. Congress doesn’t waste taxpayer money by having a hearing to berate baseball for its spineless conduct regarding steroids. Okay, they did that, but we have to admit that watching highlights of this was better than 95% of reality TV on the networks. We know, that’s not saying much.

5. I get beaten about the head with promos for a CBS movie called “Spring Break: Shark Attack.” Okay, it’s not that wonderful, except that CBS kept promoting it as starring “The O.C’s Shannon Lucio!” This would have been like promoting a mini-series during the late 1970’s as starring “Happy Days' Donny Most!”

6. The evil UConn Huskies are eliminated from the tournament. Look, it’s a Big East thing – we all hate Syracuse, but the incessant UConn praise from ESPN (which is located close to Storrs) gets tiresome, especially after they won a title last year. It’s Connecticut – a state whose basic function is to serve as an interstate highway between more interesting locales. At least New Jersey gets it. Plus, the present-day Huskies may be the ugliest team in America. This is America – we don’t want ugly people on TV (which is one of the many reasons I’m not on TV).

7. The Florida Gators disappear during the first weekend. We’re pretty sure spring can’t start until the Gators lose in the tourney.

8. Some Cinderella team no one has ever heard of makes a run. This year’s entry into the Cinderella pantheon is the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, which ripped Alabama and held off Boston College in the space of three days, which of course guarantees that head coach Bruce Pearl is receiving job offers from other schools when he goes to pick up the paper at the end of his driveway this week. Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s other prize is a date with No. 1 Illinois in Chicago. We hope they enjoy Michigan Avenue.

9. The #1 seeds prove the tournament committee correct by stomping into the Sweet Sixteen. With the exception of Duke, the #1 seeds won its games by an average margin of 467 points. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, but UNC, Duke, Illinois and everyone’s whipping boy Washington are into the Sweet Sixteen, while powers like Wake Forest, UConn, Syracuse and Kansas are sitting at home.

10. We’re guaranteed at least one game for the next weekend where we hate both teams. See Duke and Michigan State. Can we get them to play nine or ten overtimes?

11. Speaking of overtimes, we got two doozies this weekend. First Syracuse and Vermont on Friday night, a game where the Catamounts knocked out a popular Final Four pick with 25 points from the aforementioned Germain Mopa Njila (we love typing that name). This would be the game of the tournament, if not for the unbelievable Wake Forest-West Virginia marathon that slipped into a second overtime and featured everything from sheer brilliance (Chris Paul, Mike Gansey, Tyrone Sally and Taron Downey) to utter stupidity (Wake coach Skip Prosser). The two teams combined for 216 points and seemed ready to play long enough to foul out everybody until both teams would be playing three-on-three.

12. Two teams from Wisconsin make the Sweet 16, but none from hoops hotbeds like California, New York or Indiana. In fact, no teams from Indiana even made the tournament this year, the first time since the early 1970’s that’s happened. Good thing they re-released Hoosiers on DVD.

13. Our biggest pet peeve re-appears: players calling timeout as they fall out of bounds. This aggravates yours truly to no end. It cost Gonzaga a chance to tie their game with Texas Tech, and we know we saw an absurd case of it at the end of the first half between Cincinnati and Kentucky Saturday night. The pros don’t allow this, do they? Of course, no one in the NBA hustles enough to get the ball before it goes out of bounds, but that’s beside the point. And we'd complain about atrocious refereeing, but that's almost as much a March staple as crowd shots of Coach K's wife.

14. On the 20th anniversary of the greatest upset in NCAA history, my alma mater makes its first appearance in the Sweet 16 in 17 years. Villanova fans now get to spend the week basking in the limelight and talking bravely about what we will do against North Carolina. And before you start laughing… wait, you probably should laugh. But never count out the Wildcats. Someone ask Georgetown’s 1985 squad.

15. My beautiful fiancée agrees to score the pool sheets, allowing me to work on this recap. Hey, we get requests from some of you for this thing. Granted, you’re being sarcastic, but we can’t disappoint the public.

16. We get to listen to the wonderful voice of the sublime Bill Raftery. Please, can someone kidnap Packer for the title game so we can listen to Raftery? There’s nothing better than hearing Raf intone “With the kisssss!”

Stay tuned for next week's action, when I report on what it feels like to gamble money on your alma mater legally and actually believe they have a chance to spring an upset.