More Evil From Starbucks

It's quite obvious that Starbucks' continuing campaign to take over Western civilization is having an impact. Now they're extending rush hour -- soon, people will only leave home to stop at Starbucks to purchase coffee before returning home... or heading out to toil in Starbucks-owned underground sugar caves, in return for wages paid in lattes. Seriously, the evil coffee overlords have so many folks addicted that people no longer feel the need to brew coffee at home -- probably because they're now addicts to the cocaine-like high they receive from the Brewhouse of the Apocolypse...

Almost every morning for a decade, Roger Bratter has stopped at a Starbucks in Gaithersburg to sip a grande latte sans foam or a green tea and spend 20 peaceful minutes with the newspaper before heading to his auto repair shop.

Grabbing a cup at home, he said, just isn't the same.

"Our kid's got to go to school. My wife has to get to the Metro. I've got to get to work," Bratter, 54, said during a 7:30 a.m. visit last week. "If I have to make [coffee] and clean it up, it's just an extra stress factor."

Minutes earlier, at the same Starbucks on Quince Orchard Road, Steve Elgin, 41, pulled into the drive-through. A venti latte once or twice a week takes the edge off his one-hour commute between Frederick and Gaithersburg.

"It gives me something to do on [Interstate] 270," said Elgin, an executive in an insurance claims company.

The two men represent what one researcher says is evidence that the national craving for gourmet coffee may be adding mileage to the morning rush hour. And the numbers might be significant enough to complicate efforts to reduce traffic congestion, save fuel and reduce air pollution.

She calls it -- what else? -- the "Starbucks Effect."

"If you see people replacing an in-home activity like brewing your own coffee with an activity that requires a new [car] trip, that's not exactly the trend we're looking for," said Nancy McGuckin, a travel behavior analyst who used U.S. Department of Transportation data to develop her findings.

You know, all those busybodies decrying McDonald's need to focus on the real evil in our midst. Seriously, not that I make coffee every morning (since I avoid the stuff), but do these people realize how much money they'd save if they brewed at home? The clean-up isn't that difficult. Hell, if you're that lazy, try Wawa (or for those outside the mid-Atlantic, your local convenience store), where they don't charge you four friggin' dollars for a cup o' Joe.

Of course, these people can't give up their Starbucks fixation, because the evil ingredients have them addicted. In fact, here's the most chilling part of the story...

However, it's no accident, restaurant industry analysts say, that commuters rarely have to wait to make a left turn to get their caffeine fix. Restaurants catering to the breakfast crowd usually make sure they're on the right side of the street for the morning traffic flow. In some cases, Starbucks will have two locations across the street from each other to accommodate traffic patterns in both directions, company spokesman Alan Hilowitz said.

Shudder.

One final note of despair. My fiancee has become part of Starbucks Nation as well. I don't drink coffee, and she only drinks it from Starbucks. And yet we've still got a coffeemaker on the gift registry, apparently so we can serve large pots of coffee at dinner parties to guests who would rather be drinking Starbucks. Somehow, I keep losing out here.