I Feel A Draft...

Bill Simmons' annual NBA Draft column is always a highlight for sports fans, even for those of us who would rather watch replays of college football games from the 1970's before sitting through another Spurs-Pistons finals. An excerpt features these gems...

8:07 – High schooler Martell Webster just went sixth to the coachless Blazers, where there's a 95 percent chance he'll be corrupted by D-Miles, Zach Randolph, Ruben Patterson and the rest of the chain gang. With one of the other picks they got in the Utah trade, they should draft the Whizzinator.

(Funny story about Webster and fellow stud high schooler Gerald Green from Monday night's draft preview special: Stu asked them if they knew who the first lottery pick ever was in 1985 … and both of them drew a blank. Then Stu gave them the "New York, New York" clue … still, complete blanks. Finally he told them and Webster defended himself with, "I was only 1." And you wonder why the age limit is coming in.)

...8:12 – New highlight of the night: Webster's grandmother's hat. It's looks like a chef's cap crossed with an overcooked souffle. Fantastic. Also, Portland GM John Nash (looking grim and nervous) just explained the pick by saying, "First of all, we think we took an outstanding young man, he's a terrific character, somebody that the community of Portland can be proud of, in addition to a very good player." Translation: Don't worry, this guy may stink down the road, but at least he won't end up in jail.

As for my Sixers, we drafted some high school kid who resembles Allen Iverson. Translation: Better hope the Eagles are the ones to break that title drought.