NFL Recap Week Five

We know. We know.

Everyone here is waiting for some kind of ill-humored rant from your humble recapper, screaming about his beloved team's unexpected fall from grace this weekend. In fact, we're reasonably sure that in the five years we've been writing recaps (and more importantly, preventing the nomination of Harriet Myers to the Supreme Court), we've never seen our team (the Eagles, for those of you not paying attention to these recaps, which should be everyone) lay such an egg. And considering that Philadelphia fans like myself are known for being about as stable as the Balkans, we should be expected to explode.

But folks, we have found the cure. No, not the Yankees losing, although that's always nice. No, not the Phillies firing their general manager -- even though it tells us what a sad place Philly is that we celebrate such events. And no, even the news that Tom Cruise is about to become a grandfather, since his daughter Katie is preg... wait, what do you mean she's his fiancee???

See, in this crazy world, there's plenty of stuff that will drive you just bonkers. How does one stay calm?

The answer is poetry. Japanese poetry, to be exact.

Yes, it's the return of the haiku recap.

For those of you unfamiliar with haiku, it's our favorite form of poetry. It was essentially spoonfed to us by countless elementary school teachers trapped by an unimaginative curriculum into attempting to teach us syllables and cultural awareness simultaneously, along with the important principle that poetry need not rhyme, while at the same time allowing us to butcher an ancient Japanese art form. Something for everyone, as it were.

So without further ado, let's get to it...

Cowboys beat Philly
Still, I think most all agree
We hate the Cowboys.

The Pats on the ropes
Hold on to beat Atlanta
Never doubt Brady.

Bills beat Dolphins
Miami gets Ricky back
Joke writers will smile.

Cleveland beats the Bears
Browns have 2 wins -- Crennel should
Be named coach of year.

Lions beat Ravens
Does anyone really care?
Billick, but who else?

Pack gets first win by
Crushing the Saints in Green Bay
Brett not washed up yet.

Seahawks beat the Rams
Who beat them thrice last season
Please get well, Coach Martz.

Jets over Tampa
Vinny's not old - Jets fans say,
Bring back Richard Todd.

Titans rock Houston
Texans still winless, but Carr
Always has great hair.

Colts beat the Niners
No real surprise here; Indy
Is the league's best team.

Skins fall in Denver
Valiant effort just falls short
Still beats Spurrier.

Panthers stuff the Cards
Denny Green not doing well
But Cards have no fans.

Jags get a big win
Over unbeaten Bengals
It's strange to type that.

Steelers beat Chargers
Almost lose Roethlisberger
Great name for haiku.

Why are these haikus
So undeniably bad?
We blame our teachers.