The Sports Rant

by the world's least dangerous man

Most people who know me understand that while I'm a very calm and rational person, there are some things which bring out strong emotion in me. Politics. My family. Reruns of Saved by the Bell.

But nothing brings out the same passion as sports does. And since I was raised as a Philly sports fan, I haven't had a lot of success to celebrate over the years, which accounts for my current bitterness, not to mention my otherwise inexplicable hatred of Tampa Bay sports teams (seriously, no one on this planet can explain why the Sports Gods blessed the Bucs and Lightning with titles -- other than maybe the fact that the Lightning had Hulk Hogan's daughter singing the National Anthem at games last year).

But I've learned something from this experience. In sports, the teams you love don't necessarily earn that love. For example, I still bear deep affection for the Phillies, who have done nothing to earn that from me in over a decade. Some nice free-agent signings over the past few years and a new ballpark do not serve as an adequate return on my emotional investment. Firing Larry Bowa several months too late (if they choose to do so) and allowing the team to slip below .500 doesn't exactly indicate that they're worthy of my fandom. I don't even want to get into the suffering I've gone through with the Eagles.

But the teams you hate -- now, they earn that hatred. No one ever hates a sports team without a good reason, and that good reason typically stems from what they did to your team. And it's the rare franchise that earns that hatred, year-in and year-out; typically, you're talking about teams that are division rivals or excel in bring you misery.

What's my point? Well, I think those teams that are truly at the pinnacle of being hated deserve some sort of accolade. It came to mind this morning when I saw this story about how Notre Dame has opted to schedule "more competitively", which means they're looking for more patsies. I despise Notre Dame football. Even when they're bad, the Irish receive tons of press attention, as if most college football fans give a hoot what a middling independant school in central Indiana did in a game against Navy. And yes, I have a complex about this -- four years at Villanova, where most of my fellow students grew up rooting for the Irish, will lead non-Irish fans down the path to seething hatred.

There are other teams that belong with the Irish on this list -- teams that are even more evil, in fact. But there are very few franchises that belong at this level for each sports fan. We're talking about teams that are so evil that you wouldn't root for them if your own mother was wearing their uniform. These teams are so despised that you'd rather see the sport go on strike than see this team win another title. At its essence, we're talking about teams that, if they took the ice to battle the Commies at Lake Placid in 1980, you'd root for the guys in the red sweaters. For each sports fan, there are, at most, four such teams in existence. If you hate more than that, you have no hatred left for your own teams' failures (as a Philly sports fan, I'm an expert on this last element). To me, each fan has his or her "Mount Rushmore of Sports Evil."

Who's on my Mount Rushmore? First, we have the New York Knicks, a team that somehow commands my hatred despite their complete inability to win anything of note during my lifetime. It's probably the close association with the city of New York... not to mention the presence of that overrated stiff Patrick Ewing... a team mainly comprised of thugs throughout my teenage and adult lifetime... Spike Lee... Knicks highlights all over Sportscenter... Pat Riley... well, okay, there's a lot of things.

But they're not alone. There's also the eptiome of current evil, the New York Yankees. If I need to explain to you why the Yankees are evil, (a) you're a Yankee fan, or (b) you're from a different planet. If it's (a), then I feel for you. What's it like, rooting for the Roman Empire?

Then there are the Dallas Cowboys, the George Washington of hated franchises. I don't even want to discuss the Cowboys, other than to note that if they really are America's Team, our country is lost. More so even than if John Kerry wins the White House.

So that's my personal Mount Rushmore of Sports Evil: Notre Dame, the Knicks, the Yankees and the Cowboys.

The reason for all this? The fall is coming, traditionally the high time for all of these teams. There's a time in September where the Yankees are typically in first place, Notre Dame is unbeaten, Dallas has won a game or two and Knick fans are suffering through that delusional time when they think they might win an NBA Title. As much as I love September for the return of football season, I dread that week when all this is taking place. The good news is, this year I can focus on politics to take my mind off it.