The Top Ten Responses to the DNC

The Democratic National Committee's little minions are walking around Washington, D.C. in their red shirts, asking everyone, "Would you like to help elect John Kerry?" We're gratified that they now have shifted to actually promoting their candidate, rather than simply attacking the President. But it still seems rather silly to put these folks out on the steets of DC -- even Walter Mondale won D.C., for crying out loud.

But, in the interests of fairness, we now have our list of Top Ten Responses to the DNC Kids... feel free to use them, but speak slowly, because they're Democrats, and as we all know, Democrats lack a sense of humor...

Top Ten Responses to DNC Staffers in Red Shirts Asking If You Want to Help Elect John Kerry...

10. No, I refuse to vote in any of these illegitimate elections, until Al Gore is restored to his rightful place as President.

9. Sorry, my mind is made up. I'm voting for Nader, and I convinced my grandmother and her 200 friends in that Florida nursing home to follow suit.

8. No thank you, but where can I can get a red shirt like that? I've been looking for something to clean up after my new puppy. I assume Senator Kerry uses those things to clean up after his running mate.

7. Well, I watched Michael Moore's movie, and he convinced me -- he needs to go on a diet.

6. I think I'd be willing to say yes, but only if I smoked some crack and fell down a flight of stairs first. But I'd definitely consider it at that point.

5. I've been looking for a candidate who served in Vietnam and brags about it incessantly, has great hair and a snobby attitude, likes French people better than Americans, cannot make a decision to save his life, and has a really annoying wife. But I'm still wondering if John Kerry is the man for me. He just doesn't seem committed enough to bragging about his war service, or to his hair care.

4. I will, but only if he comes out of the closet, like that brave New Jersey Governor did! Will he come out of the closet? Well, why not? Is he a bigot or something?

3. I'm searching for a candidate who favors repealing stalking laws. Those have given me such a problem. Can the Senator help me out on this issue?

2. I'm glad you're making is so easy for me to accomplish my mission. Attorney General Ashcroft thought it might be difficult to track down and kill all the dissenters.

And the #1 Response to DNC Staffers in Red Shirts Asking If You Want to Help Elect John Kerry...

1. I heard he served in Vietnam, but didn't we lose that war? Why would we want to elect a guy who loses wars?