The NFL Recap, Week Three

I do these at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the greater public?

Another week, another boring old recap, with more lame jokes about Dan Rather. Or so you all thought.

Nope, this week, it’s time for one of your favorite features – 20 questions about the NFL season! Yes, we realize your actual favorite feature probably involves another writer… but it’s not like we care.

Jokes aside, this primer should tell you everything you need to know about the NFL. And it’s from a totally unbiased point of view.

1. Are the Dallas Cowboys evil?

Answer: Yes, of course they are. We hear that the Cowboys are actually Communist agents. Rumor has it Bill Parcells likes to beat up senior citizens and steal from the weak and defenseless, like girlieman John Kerry. Which accounts for Dallas’ win against the Redskins Monday night.

2. We didn’t ask for Redskins abuse, although we appreciate the gratuitous shot at John Kerry. Back to the topic -- what’s the worst team in the NFL right now?

Answer: Most people would answer Arizona, but that’s not fair. The Cardinals may actually be a high school team from the Phoenix area rather than a professional franchise. No, our pick for worst team so far is Miami, which is 0-3 and has been outscored 46-23 by Tennessee, Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. Granted, the team has been dealing with Old Testament-style rains throughout their home state, but we’re reasonably confident this team would stink no matter what the weather.

3. Why isn’t Tampa Bay the worst team instead?

Answer: Good point. At this point, if we combined the offenses of Tampa Bay and Miami, we would still have less talent than the cast of ABC’s Desperate Housewives. Let’s just say any pro football teams south of Jacksonville should probably be replaced by one of Florida’s college teams.

4. Speaking of Jacksonville, how are they 3-0?

Answer: We don’t really know. Voodoo, perhaps? The Jaguars have scored 35 points in three games and have won two of their three games with scores in the final 20 seconds. Clearly, we’re looking at the NFL’s biggest surprise, unless you count the fact that Seattle opted to continue wearing those monochrome uniforms.

5. Hey – how about Seattle? Aren’t they the best team in the league?

Answer: Beating up on San Francisco 34-0 does not really impress us – we saw flag football teams on the mall that might have posed tougher competition. The Seahawks are a good team, but they haven’t really been tested yet. Like Britney’s marriage, we’re going have to wait and see if this is real.

6. Well, what about the defending champions? Aren’t the Patriots the best team in the league?

Answer: Probably, but they didn’t play last week. Neither did the Jets, Buffalo, or the Panthers. Why waste a question on them? Are you that bored reading this recap? Don’t answer that.

7. Fine. Who is the best team in the league? Wait, let me guess – you’re going to claim it’s the Eagles, right?

Answer: Well, we’re glad you agree. They have a 3-0 record, with every win coming by more than 10 points. Better yet, the Eagles have beaten three teams who have not lost another game this season. At this rate, they’ll just cancel the rest of the regular season and skip to the NFC Championship Game, so the Eagles can lose and torture me again.

8. Are you really that bitter?

Answer: No, of course not. I get to blog every day, making fun of John Kerry's hair and what-not. How could I be bitter? Although I guess I'll be pretty bitter after November 2nd. Then again, I can start the Hillary jokes then.

9. Do you really think that you, a man who could be a posterboy for Rogaine, should be making fun of someone else’s hair?

Answer: It’s either that or discuss the Falcons 6-3 win over Arizona that made Atlanta 3-0. That game was more painful to watch than Gigli. Well, we think it was. We don’t know anyone who actually saw Gigli.

10. Why not talk about an entertaining game? What about the Colts-Packers shootout?

Answer: Everyone save the defensive coordinators of the two teams must have enjoyed this game. Manning and Favre’s duel for the ages will likely be an NFL Films special by the end of next week – we can hear Harry Kalas doing the audio commentary right now. As for the game itself, the Packers killed themselves with turnovers, although it was nice to see their defense stop blitzing Manning… after he’d thrown five TD passes. We’re not sure how the Indianapolis offense ever gets stopped – maybe it’s boredom.

11. Speaking of boredom…. Can you finish this recap?

Answer: No, we still need to tell you about Minnesota’s 27-22 win over the Bears, where they knocked out Chicago QB Rex Grossman for the season. On the plus side, Grossman can now join former coach Steve Spurrier at the driving range.

12. Another Spurrier joke? Isn’t that pushing it?

Answer: He had a five year-contract. I had five years worth of jokes, and I have to use them sometime. I even had a joke which involved Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel’s glove and Dan Snyder wearing lifts. I may never get to use it now.

13. What a tragedy. Back to the games already. Don’t you have to make fun of Cincinnati or something?

Answer: The town or the team? The team is 1-2 after losing 23-9 to the Ravens. The town is located in the great state of Ohio, which means it’s subjected to regular visits by Presidential candidates due to its status as a "swing" state. They’re already subject to enough abuse.

14. Well, are you going to avoid making fun of Cleveland for the same reason?

Answer: No – there’s nothing in the rules that says I need to be consistent. Okay, so the Browns lost to the Giants 27-10. But they didn’t set the lake on fire this week, so it’s probably a net plus for the city.

15. Who else will you make fun of, then?

Answer: Well, there are the Redskins…

16. Stop. They’re only 1-2. That’s not fair -- doesn’t Gibbs deserve some time before you start making fun of him?

Answer: The question makes the mistake of believing that I’m fair and impartial. Unlike someone like, say, Dan Rather, I’m totally biased. An entire off-season of playoff-like hoopla in D.C. has left me in a position to enjoy the Redskins’ 1-2 start. Not as much as a 1-3 start, we suppose, but hopefully we’ll know next week.

17. That’s terrible. How can you actually wish for bad things to happen to D.C’s football team?

Answer: Because it generates more material for this recap. Otherwise, I’d spend ten minutes typing jokes about meaningless games like Denver’s 23-13 win over San Diego. This way, I get to make jokes about Dan Snyder’s secret plot to ruin the legacy of Joe Gibbs.

18. Seriously, enough. Why don’t you make fun of the Chiefs? They started 0-3 and people were calling them a Super Bowl contender. Aren’t they worthy of abuse?

Answer: When you get your own blog and your own recap, you can do the abuse. K.C. has now lost three straight games at home (counting last year's playoff loss) after going unbeaten at home during the regular season last year. It's so bad Dick Vermeil stopped crying.

19. Do you think Kerry would hate you after all this abuse?

Answer: Why? One, he'd have to hop off his snowboard long enough to notice me. Two, he wouldn't notice me, because I'm not a billionaire heiress. Three, any publicity is good publicity... well, unless you're Kerry. He probably doesn't want me to keep writing about him.

20. That assumes someone actually reads this. Do you have a life?

Answer: I'm sitting at a computer at night, typing this. Does that answer the question?