The NFL Recap, Week Seven

I do these at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the greater public?

Well, it’s finally come to this.

For four years now, we’ve done these updates. Most of the time, one or two people have read them, possibly out of pity, or on the off-chance they were suffering from insomnia. But we’ve never come up with a format guaranteed to aggravate everyone.

Until today. Last night, I found this transcript -- I don't know if it's accurate, but Dan Rather thinks it is...

We now present this week’s recap through the eyes of Sen. John Kerry and President George W. Bush, in a meeting which was held Saturday night in an undisclosed location (OUCH! Stop with the electroshock, Mr. Ashcroft! I swear – I won’t give away the location!). The audience consists of the football fans of America, all of whom are undecided as to whether they will vote on Tuesday, November 2nd, or simply sit at home on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching re-runs of the Jaguars-Broncos 1997 playoff game on the NFL Network.

Here’s the transcript:

Chris Berman: “Welcome, football fans! I’m your moderator, Chris Berman. Coming to you live from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field… OUCH! Stop it, Mr. Attorney General!”

Senator Kerry (delicately attempting to eat a brat): “I believe it’s Lambert Field, Chris.”

President Bush (wearing cheesehead): “See, look at that. People think I’m dumb, but even I know the correcterific name is Lambeau Field.”

Berman: “So what did you think of this weekend’s games?”

Senator Kerry (waving a Bengals towel): “Well, I in particular found it heartening to watch those wonderful Bengals, from the great swing state of Ohio, win a huge game on Monday night against one of my favorite teams, the Denver Broncos, from the great state of Colorado. You know, Chris, the Broncos and Bengals were both part of the great American Football League…”

President Bush (still struggling to take off cheesehead): “There he goes again, flip-flopping. Now he’s calling the Bengalis winners, after he spent the 90’s calling them losers. Heck, he was calling them losers last week.”

Senator Kerry (now wearing an orange Browns jersey): “That’s a gross mischaracterization of my position on the Bengals, which is far more nuanced. In fact, it’s much like my position on the Browns, who lost an overtime heartbreaker to the Philadelphia Eagles, the best unbeaten team in pro football today. The Browns are an excellent team, named of course for Paul Brown, who also founded the Bengals. The Browns used an excellent gameplan to run the ball against the Eagles, similar to the excellent plan I have for America…”

President Bush (now wearing an Eagles jacket): “Nice jersey, Senator. It matches your tan. Look, Chris, that was another flip-flop. Last week, he was calling the New England Patriots the best team in football, and now he’s flip-flopping to appeal to the folks in Philly. You can’t have indecisive leadership in the White House on football issues, my fellow Americans. Indecisive leadership means you’re not prepared when things go wrong. Look at the Chicago Bears – they didn’t prepare in case their starting quarterback went down. Now, they’re losin’ 19-7 to the Bucs – a fine team from a fine town – because they’re stuck starting some nobody named Jonathan Quinnipiac at quarterback.”

Berman: “Um, that’s Jonathan Quinn, Mr. President. Quinnipiac is a University. I think they conduct some polls, which is why they’re on your mind.”

President Bush (now wearing a K.C. Chiefs sweater): “Of course, the Poles are on my mind, Chris, just like all the brave coalition soldiers in Iraq. My opponent denigrates the Poles, but they’re our brothers-in-arms. People were denigrating the Kansas City Chiefs for weeks, but they just whooped up on the Atlanta Falcons 56-10. The problem with the Falcons is similarity to my opponent. Mike Vick’s trying to be something’s he not, just like Senator Kerry over there.”

Senator Kerry (wearing an oversized novelty “We’re Number One” Dolphins hand): “I’ve never changed my opinion on anything, Chris. Never. Unlike the President, I understand that it’s possible to change your mind, but not really change it, if you know what I mean. That’s what I learned during the adversity of my youth, when I only had two vacation houses. Look at the Miami Dolphins and how they fought through adversity – last week, everyone believed they were the worst team in football, now they’re winning against one of the finest franchises in one of the finest towns in one of the finest swing states in America.”

President Bush (wearing the cheesehead again): “They beat the Texans?”

Senator Kerry: “See, that’s what I mean about being misinformed – he didn’t even know who the Dolphins were playing. They beat St. Louis, in one of the biggest upsets of the year. Maybe if our intelligence services were reformed, you would know that. Or that the Colts got upset by the Jaguars, in another huge upset. The Jaguars are now in first place, in case you didn’t know. You were probably off choking on a pretzel.”

President Bush (now wearing Texas Rangers jacket): “Don’t lecture me about football – I’ve seen you tryin’ to throw the football on the tarmac during the campaign, and it’s not a pretty sight. I also know the state of Florida went 3-0 in pro football this weekend, while also ditching Ron Zook, similar to the way your party will ditch you on November 3rd. And I did watch the Colts upset, but I’d say the bigger upset was the Lions beating the New York Giants in New York. Bad weekend for New Yorkers in football. Sports altogether, really. I mean, look at the Yankees. My buddy George Steinbrenner wanted to fire everybody, but I calmed him down and explained that we need to create jobs, not end them.”

Berman: “Mr. President, if I could interject, why the Rangers jacket? This is a football discussion, not baseball.”

President Bush, with a hard stare: “Don’t mess with Texas, Chris.”

Senator Kerry (wearing Patriots jersey): “I’d like to get back to the President’s earlier statement. Yes, it was a bad weekend for New Yorkers in football, and we all know that’s the President’s fault. Well, his fault and that of the New England Patriots, the best football team anywhere, who beat the Jets 13-7. The New York teams are clearly hampered by inadequate funding, something I will remedy if elected President. I’ll follow the plan of the Minnesota Vikings, the best team in football, who moved to 5-1 with a 20-3 win over Tennessee.”

President Bush (fiddling with his earpiece): “Hold on, Karl.” (looks around, realizes it’s his turn) “Oh, wait, sorry, Chris. Look, my opponent just flip-flopped in the middle of that statement. First one team’s the best in football, now it’s another. At the beginning of the season, the Senator was probably singing the praises of Carolina, which was the defending NFC champion. Now they’re 1-5, and just lost to the Chargers. A few weeks back, he probably thought Seattle was the best team and now they’re 3-3 and doing diddly. They just lost to the Cardinals, for cryin’ out loud. But Senator Kerry keeps flip-flopping. That’s not strong leadership, Chris. Fans won’t have any idea who they should supportise.”

Senator Kerry (holding Ravens cap in his hand): “It’s the President’s leadership that has failed, Chris. I model my leadership after men like Brian Billick, who led the Ravens to another win, this time over Buffalo. It even featured an interception return for a TD by Deion Sanders, which used to happen all the time when Bill Clinton was President. The fact that Deion hasn’t been scoring touchdowns for the last four years is just another example of the failure of this President. He’s going down, just like his beloved Dallas Cowboys lost to the Packers here at Lambert Field this week.”

Berman: “Um, Senator Kerry… why won’t you put that cap on your head, sir?”

Theresa Heinz-Kerry, from audience: “Don’t you dare damage that hair!”

Senator Kerry: “I’ll bet you don’t even know what game we haven’t covered yet.”

President Bush, scowling: “Of course, I know.” (looks into audience, where Dick Cheney holds up a sign) “The Saints beat the Raiders. Just like my tax cuts beat back the recession. And just like Dick Cheney and I plan on beating you and your running mate, whatshisname.”

Senator Kerry: “I’m not shocked you forgot his name. You forget to do your duty when you were young, unlike I, who served in Vietnam. It’s Senator John Edwards – that’s my running mate’s name.”

President Bush: “Are you sure you haven’t changed your mind and replaced him? You could still flip-flop… hey, wait a second! You served in Vietnam? I didn’t know that! You should publicize that!”

Senator Kerry: “Draft-dodger.”

President Bush: “Botox Boy.”

Berman, cutting off both candidates: “Um, that’s enough for us, folks. I’d like to thank Anonymous, who is responsible for the content of this message, and should be the one blamed for anything anyone finds offensive.”

Well, that should help everyone make up their mind next week.