The NFL Recap, Week Six

I do these at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the greater public?

You know, sometimes we think there’s a little too much pressure in the world of professional sports.

Take, for example, your humble recapper, a man with modest (at best) writing talent, a somewhat off-beat sense of humor and the desire to mock the Redskins mercilessly. Yet even I, a man who puts up with such terrible hardships as the possibility of a President Kerry, must deal with pressure in writing this recap. For example, I’ve been told by senior partners at my law firm that they look forward to this recap (probably in recognition of the fact that it’s better than my work product). I’ve had people lobby to have former college stars at their alma mater receive credit for sterling performances. I’ve even had one person ask me to give the Redskins credit for their victory this weekend. Even if I were a fair and impartial observer like Dan Rather, that would be a difficult task.

We’ll give the Redskins this much – they can definitely beat a team a team quarterbacked by Jane Seymour. Look, we don’t know who Jonathan Quinn is, but based on performance, we can only guess that the Bears QB is actually Seymour, the star of CBS’s Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Quinn and the Bears fell to Joe Gibbs and his offense, which once again managed to score touchdowns for both teams. Maybe this is part of Mark Brunell’s campaign for MVP – if he scores enough for other teams, perhaps they will vote for him.

The current front-runner for MVP is Minnesota QB Dante Culpepper, who tossed five more TD passes in a 58-31 win, despite losing Randy Moss before halftime due to injury. Culpepper was assisted by the Saints defense, which somehow yielded over 600 yards of offense in the worst performance in New Orleans since Britney Spears left Louisiana. Perhaps the Saints can take solace in watching Green Bay, which rallied from yielding 48 points on Monday night to tearing apart Detroit on the road in a 38-10 win. The Packers appear to be much better on the road then at home, but perhaps they’re just desperate to get away from “Lambert Field.”

Carolina is probably just desperate, period. The defending NFC champs fell to 1-4 in Philadelphia, where the Eagles’ D led the way in a 30-8 win that served as hollow revenge for last year’s NFC Title Game loss. Eagles CB Lito Sheppard picked off two passes, returning one for a TD, and he wasn’t even playing the Redskins. To be fair, other QBs made the same mistake. For example, Dolphins QB Jay Fiedler handed a touchdown to Buffalo linebacker Takeo Spikes in a 20-13 loss that helped the Bills get their first win. The Dolphins continue on their trek to 0-16, which may be a harder feat to achieve then their legendary (and overrated) 17-0 mark in 1972. Perhaps the Dolphins are just unnerved by the news that producers are planning a movie version of Miami Vice starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx – I mean, it takes time to dig into the closet and find all those pastels. We hear Dave Wannstedt has landed a role in the movie; he figures he’ll need the job.

Speaking of bad color schemes, the Seahawks fell for the second straight week, serving as the fodder for New England’s 20th straight win. The Pats opened up an early 17-0 lean on the way to a 30-20 win that probably helped inspire the Red Sox to begin their rally against the ambassadors of evil, a.k.a. the Yankees, that evening. Perhaps Boston should insist on Pats coach Bill Belichick moonlighting with the Red Sox. New Yorkers recall when Belichick was one of their own, specifically as the defensive coordinator of the Giants and later the Jets. The Jets will get to reunite with Belichick in a battle of the unbeatens next weekend, when the Jets visit the Pats. The Jets survived a challenge from the 49ers and budding legend Tim Rattay – hey, when you hold a passing record for the same franchise that once employed Joe Montana, Steve Young and John Brodie, you deserve credit from somebody.

Former Niners QB Jeff Garcia continued his efforts to lead a resurgence in Cleveland, where the Browns won the first part of the battle of Ohio with the Bengals by a score of 34-17. Both Presidential campaigns immediately began making efforts to disassociate themselves from the Bengals in the crucial swing state. They may also want to run away from the Kansas City Chiefs… or perhaps they should just run over the Chiefs, as everyone else seems to do. The Chiefs, who started last season 9-0, fell to 1-4 following a loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Dick Vermeil’s busy buying artificial tears at this point.

Bill Parcells is probably crying, too, when he’s not swearing and screaming at his players. Parcells’ Cowboys lost a heartbreaker to the Steelers in Dallas, when Vinny Testaverde fumbled while trying to run out the clock, allowing Pittsburgh to regain possession and score with under a minute left. We’re shocked, just shocked, that Vinny Testaverde would commit a terrible turnover at a big moment. That’s almost like saying Kerry Collins would… well, by the way, the Raiders got skunked by the Broncos 31-3 in Oakland. Raiders fans responded by jumping into the San Francisco Bay, which immediately was declared an environmental disaster as a result.

Speaking of disasters, the Buccaneers crawled into their MNF game with the Rams resembling an ER… or maybe the cast of the once-hit show ER. Nowadays, we hear ER struggles against a show called Without a Trace, which generally describes the Bucs’ offense. Despite a better-than-normal performance from QB Brian Griese, the Bucs fell 28-21. Perhaps Without a Trace could also describe the sudden dearth of points from the Titans, who slipped and fell to Houston 20-10. The Titans used to play in Houston as the Oilers, wearing a color of blue that goes unmatched… unless we consider the gorgeous powder-blue uniforms of the Chargers. Alas, the Chargers didn’t wear their pastels and lost to Atlanta 21-20; perhaps they’re saving their splash of color for the Miami Vice movie as well.