The NFL Recap, Week Fifteen

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

So, how was your weekend?

We know what everyone (well, all six of you who read this) here is waiting for – an impassioned, thoroughly insane, slightly psychotic and completely overwrought plea to the football Gods regarding the horrible calamity that has befallen my favorite team (that's here). In case you missed both the 1,000 updates on ESPN Monday and the loud wailing from the Delaware Valley, Eagles superstar wide receiver Terrell Owens broke his fibula and tore several ligaments in his ankle, likely ending his season.

Sure, I could be depressed. Then again, at least I’m not a Redskins fan.

We know that the Eagles will soldier on. Therefore, so will we, with this week’s recap. And in the spirit of the season, we present the Christmas wishlist for fans of each team – this week, the NFC and next week, the AFC. And hey, if you’re sick of Christmas, just pretend that this is an advance Arbor Day List.

Philadelphia Eagles (13-1): To make the Super Bowl, and have Terrell Owens make an appearance for something more than a pre-game vignette with Nicollette Sheridan.

New York Giants (5-9): For Eli Manning to survive his first season in the NFL, and for the fans in New York to keep paying attention to the Yankees, so Manning isn’t abused for not being Ben Roethlisberger.

Washington Redskins (5-9): For the return of Joe Gibbs. No, not this one. Oh, this is the real Joe Gibbs? Fine. Can someone send Dan Snyder on a decade-long cruise somewhere?

Dallas Cowboys (5-9): We don’t grant wishes to Cowboys fans.

Green Bay Packers (8-6): For the alien who kidnaps Brett Favre two or three times a game to stop, so that he ceases throwing those “What the heck was he thinking” passes.

Minnesota Vikings (8-6): A defense would be nice.

Detroit Lions (5-9): A long-snapper, and for Joey Harrington to have the flu every week. He seems to play better with it.

Chicago Bears (5-9): A quarterback, or the return of the “Da Bears” skits to Saturday Night Live. At least the latter would ease the pain of having to watch this team.

Atlanta Falcons (11-3): Continued health for Michael Vick, and someone to tell team owner Arthur Blank that it’s not cool to show up on the sidelines during the second half of every game.

Carolina Panthers (6-8): I don’t grant wishes to Panthers fans, but we’ll make one exception – we hope they can spend the month of January watching ACC basketball, like they want.

New Orleans Saints (6-8): For someone to take their underachieving football team and combine it with their underachieving basketball team. You didn’t know New Orleans has a basketball team? Neither does anyone in New Orleans.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-9): Someone to prevent Jon Gruden from going on a Chucky-like rampage, and some geritol. Hey, there’s hardly anyone below 80 in Tampa Bay.

Seattle Seahawks (7-7): A heart, so they can install one into their team.

St. Louis Rams (6-8): A brain, so they can install it into Mike Martz.

Arizona Cardinals (5-9): There is no such thing as a Cardinals fan. It’s like Santa Claus – all fictional. Oops, sorry to ruin that myth for you as well.

San Francisco 49ers (2-12): Tapes of the 1980’s and 1990’s seasons, because it’s going to be a long time before they’re any good again.