The NFL Recap Week Thirteen

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

As we recycle past recap formats, we realized it's time for another session of twenty questions. Hey, it was that or more haiku.

Just remember, this format has rules. Of course, I don't know what they are, and don't care either. It's sort of like Howard Stern and the FCC.

Jokes aside, this primer should tell you everything you need to know about the NFL as of Week Thirteen. And it’s from a totally unbiased point of view.

1. Are the Dallas Cowboys evil?

Answer: Haven't we answered this before? Yes, yes, a thousand times YES! Look at the witchery they employed Monday night to defeat poor Seattle. I mean, who the heck is Julius Jones? Oh, he went to Notre Dame... yeah, right. Last we checked, Notre Dame doesn't play football anymore.

2. Are you going to lay off the Redskins abuse this week?

Answer: Why? Because they won? Look, it's nice that Joe Gibbs and the coaching staff got a victory -- maybe they can take the grandkids out for ice cream to celebrate. But beating the Giants and Eli Manning at this point is like going to war with Andorra. it doesn't matter if you're Morocco, you're still going to win.

3. Andorra?

Answer: God forbid I try and teach people a little useless geography, instead of just uttering random facts about football. There's only so much that can be said about Kansas City beating Oakland 34-27 in a game no one watched.

4. How about games people watched?

Answer: Well, San Diego took charge of the AFC West by dumping Denver 20-17. Watching Bronco QB Jake Plummer is a bit like watching a Paris Hilton -- you're just waiting for him to do something stupid. This week it was a red-zone interception with three minutes left. Then, the last-second Hail Mary turns into a nine yard completion and the clock running out thanks to WR Darius Watts. Good to see Jake's stupidity is spreading.

5. Let's get the bragging out of the way. What about your beloved Eagles?

Answer: I'm not into gloating. That's not like me at all. But the Eagles are now 11-1 and just beat one of the few teams in the NFC that anyone thought had a chance of beating them... by thirty points. We hereby petition the Commissioner to cancel the NFC playoffs and just put the Eagles in the Super Bowl by fiat. Hey, I don't need another humiliating NFC Title Game or empathy from Bills fans. Just give me a Super Bowl title.

6. Well, what about the defending champions? Aren’t the Patriots the best team in the league?

Answer: Maybe, although using Cleveland as a measuring stick is completely useless. Terry Robiskie took over as interim coach this week after Butch Davis escaped the franchise, the city, and the state of Ohio. That's a great Christmas season for anyone. As for the Pats, their 42-15 blowout was the usual businesslike performance of a team that's waiting for the playoffs.

7. Who will they have trouble with in the AFC?

Answer: Well, they have the Steelers, who won again 17-16 over the Jaguars after trading late field goals and watching a last-second 60 yard try by the Jags float to the right. Rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger is now 10-0, and his last loss was to the University of Iowa in September 2003. He may not lose again until the NFL's expansion team in Des Moines arrives.

8. Anyone else? What about the Colts?

Answer: The Colts offense soars through the stars. Their defense, unfortunately, appears to be in hibernation underground most weeks. Peyton Manning will break some heretofore unbreakable records, and win MVP, and everyone will say nice things about him, even John Kerry. Then his team will lose in the playoffs, and he will take the blame. It's about as predictable as Dick Clark showing up on New Year's Eve before going into an oxygen chamber for the rest of the year.

9. That wasn't much of a joke about John Kerry. Haven't you got anything else?

Answer: Sorry -- I'm trying to recover from watching a few minutes of the Lions-Cardinals game. Besides, you try coming up with jokes about Kerry. There's only so many jokes one can make about his hair, his wife, and his obsession with his service record before Terry McAulliffe starts crying like a little girl. Which of course makes it worthwhile.
10. Back to football. Any other trends you're sensing?

Answer: Uh, yeah. The Dolphins really stink. A.J. Feeley has now thrown 8 TDs to his own teammates, and five TDs to the opposition. Maybe they mis-typed an incentive clause in his contract or something.

11. We could have figured that out ourselves. Don't you have any real information?

Answer: Sure. The Niners really really really stink. They may be worse than their 1-11 record.

12. Jeez, thanks. Next you'll tell us that Carolina is surging to a playoff spot, right?

Answer: Um, no. We hate conventional wisdom and the Panthers, and here the two are in unison, so we're not going to pick the Panthers as the likely NFC playoff entrant with a crappy record. We'll go with... man, these choices are terrible. We again invoke the call to cancel the NFC playoffs and declare the Eagles NFC champions.

13. Thirteen questions in, and you haven't made fun of Cincinnati -- is that a record or something?

Answer: They've earned praise, not derision, after rallying from a 17 point fourth quarter deficit to beat the Ravens in Baltimore. That's the first Bengals road win over a team with a winning record since 1990. Yes, we said 1990. That was before J. Lo got married for the first time. Heck, most of us hadn't heard of J. Lo at the time. Yes, it was a better world.

14. If not Cincinnati, who will you mock, then?

Answer: I don't know. Houston? They got smacked around 29-7 by the Jets. Of course, the Jets are the better team. Then again, Houston QB David Carr has hair that belongs in a shampoo commercial...a women's shampoo commercial.

15. Back to the real news. Who else is any good in the NFC?

Answer: Well, we heard some Redskins playoff talk this week. After we stopped laughing, we thought about Atlanta. Hey, they only lost by 27 this weekend to Tampa. That's better than the Packers' thirty-point loss. It's something.

16. You shouldn't mock the Redskins. What if they somehow beat the Eagles on Sunday night?

Answer: I'll be horribly aggravated and subjected to abuse for a week, then continue planning my therapy sessions for after the next NFC Title Game loss. Redskins fans will spend another year wondering what the playoffs are like.

17. That’s terrible. How can you actually wish for bad things to happen to D.C’s football team?

Answer: Because it generates more material for this recap. Otherwise, I’d spend ten minutes typing jokes about meaningless games like Minnesota tanking at Chicago. The Vikings choke every December -- it's like a sign of Santa's impending arrival. By mocking the Redskins, I get to make jokes about Dan Snyder’s secret plot to ruin the legacy of Joe Gibbs.

18. Didn't you make enough of those jokes in September?

Answer: Was I right or wrong?

19. Why do we read this recap?

Answer: Beats me. Even my parents don't read this drivel, and they claim to like me.

20. Don't you have a life?

Answer: Hey, you're the one reading this. Maybe I should ask you that question.