The NFL Recap, Week Sixteen

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

Hey, I've been on vacation. So what if these games took place two weeks ago? This is about needing content, people. Besides, this was originally written on December 29th.

Once again, we present the Christmas wishlist for fans of each team – this week, the AFC. And hey, if you’re sick of Christmas, good news -- the next one's 361 days away (told you -- December 29th).

New England Patriots (13-2): This team has won 28 out of 30 games, and their fans also saw their baseball team win the World Series in October. They need another wish fulfilled like Martha Stewart needs an insider stock tip.

New York Jets (10-5): Stress relief and anti-depression medication. For a team that's 10-5, their fans are unbelieveably down. Okay, they might lose in the first round, and could even choke away the playoff berth this weekend. But did you really expect them to do this well?

Buffalo Bills (9-6): To have the NFL declare September an extension of the exhibition season, since the Bills are 9-3 since October started. Otherwise, some long johns and hot chocolate to get them to July, when the snow finally melts in Buffalo.

Miami Dolphins (4-11): For new coach Nick Saban not to watch the last game, lest he change his mind while watching their offense, which may not be as talented as the one he has at LSU.

Pittsburgh Steelers (14-1): For Bill Cowher's less-than-stellar track record in home AFC Title Games (1-3) not to ruin the amazing season of Ben Roethlisberger, who will likely complete his rookie season 14-0 as a starter. Also, they need at least 50,000 little yellow towels. You'll understand in January.

Baltimore Ravens (8-7): Someone to deflate the egos of Brian Billick and the Ravens' defense. At this rate, Maryland will need to annex Delaware just to house mirrors for Ray Lewis so he can watch himself dance.

Cincinnati Bengals (7-8): For some patience, so Carson Palmer can develop some more consistency. It would also be nice if their coach, an acclaimed defensive coordinator, might remember how to coach his defense.

Cleveland Browns (3-12): To get out of Cleveland alive, and preferably to escape Ohio in total.

Indianapolis Colts (12-3): For Peyton Manning to be hypnotized, so he believes January games in New England and Pittsburgh are the same as October games against Houston and Cleveland at home. Otherwise, he'll be spending February cheering on his favorite insurance adjusters, as per the hysterical commercial that runs during NFL games.

Jacksonville Jaguars (8-7): For a chance to play in the NFC, where the Jags would have been the second-best team in the conference.

Houston Texans (7-8): To establish some consistency -- the Texans are 3-4 at home. People should know -- you don't mess with Texas.

Tennessee Titans (4-11): Better health for McNair and company and better uniforms -- it's time to stop buying scraps of fabric at Costco. Yeesh.

San Diego Chargers (11-4): They live in San Diego, and their team is 11-4. Who cares what they want?

Denver Broncos (9-6): For people to quit calling Mike Shanahan a genius. Since John Elway retired, Shanahan has the same number of playoff wins that I do.

Kansas City Chiefs (7-8): A shift by the NFL that would allow them to use 13 players on defense, enabling them to keep teams under 30 points.

Oakland Raiders (5-10): Rabies shots.