The NFL Recap, Week Five

I do these at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the greater public?

What a GREAT sports weekend.

We mean it. Great college football games all over the TV dial. Baseball playoffs everywhere, even if it meant watching the epitome of evil advance into the American League Championship Series (one tip – we’re not talking about the Red Sox). And best of all, the WNBA Finals.

Sorry. David Stern threatened to make us watch old tapes of Dennis Rodman’s MTV show if we didn’t plug the WNBA Finals. We’ll try to atone for that offense.

Speaking of offense… well, no one in DC would know what we’re talking about. All of us were subjected to Sunday night’s horror show at Fed Ex Field. Halloween arrived three weeks early in DC, as the Redskins fell to 1-4 following a 17-10 loss to Baltimore. The Skins managed to give up a 10-0 lead in the third quarter without Baltimore’s offense ever taking the field. Yes, you read that right. Maybe Joe Gibbs needs an offensive coordinator – we hear Steve Spurrier is available. You know, that Gibbs is an innovative coach – his team is losing games in ways we’d have never imagined.

Meanwhile, the New England Patriots continue to win more games in a row than anyone imagined. The Pats stuffed the Dolphins 24-10, setting an unofficial NFL record with their 19th consecutive win. The streak is unofficial because the NFL doesn’t count post-season games… although we suspect the streak is also unofficial because the NFL no longer counts wins over the Dolphins. At least the Dolphins have some company among the ranks of the winless. Buffalo also dropped another game, losing when the Jets Doug Brien kicked a late field goal to rally the Jets to a 16-14 win. We’re reasonably certain that the Bills have been punished enough – not only do they live in Buffalo, not only are they winless, not only are they within close proximity of Canada… well, we can’t think of much that’s worse than all that.

Unless you’re the Oakland Raiders, of course, who became the latest victims of the Peyton Manning Traveling Circus. The Colts annihilated the Raiders 35-14, and we’re pretty sure the score would have been worse if Manning hadn’t played the second half left-handed. Okay, maybe we’re exaggerating, but that’s what Dan Rather reported. Besides, we’re still wondering how the Colts could only score 35 points. Heck, the Steelers even scored 34 behind rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger. Of course, Pittsburgh was playing Cleveland, which is sort of like playing a high school team. Or the Redskins. Wait, that’s not fair – the Browns beat the Redskins.

Then again, at least the Redskins aren’t the Seahawks. The Seahawks are 3-1, but they were less than 10 minutes from an unbeaten record, cruising along with a 27-10 lead, sipping lattes on the sideline and trying to figure out whether Rams coach Mike Martz really is the father of the kid from Jerry Maguire. Less than a half-hour later, the Rams had rallied for a stunning 33-27 OT victory, as Rams QB Marc Bulger began imitating Kurt Warner circa 1999. Then again, the real Kurt Warner was busy in Dallas, leading the Giants to their fourth straight win, a 26-10 win over Dallas. Warner’s wife Brenda promptly called WFAN in New York to complain that Giants coach Tom Coughlin had banned her from team meetings. Coughlin fined Warner for getting married without Coughlin’s permission.

It was a bad weekend for football in Texas (we won’t even mention the Longhorns), despite the fact that Houston rallied from a 21-0 deficit to send their game to overtime. Alas, Vikings QB Dante Culpepper fired his fifth TD pass of the day to Marcus Robinson to beat the Texans 34-28. The Vikings offense is may be unstoppable, but their defense is weaker than the French military (on the list of Jeopardy topics we will never see, "Great French Military Victory of the 20th Century" is near the top). Speaking of weak defenses, the Packers somehow yielded 48 points to Tennessee on Monday night, dropping Green Bay to 1-4 following a 48-27 loss. You know, the Packers haven’t won a home game since John Kerry called their home stadium "Lambert Field"... and their defense has been incredibly weak since he said those words… all right, I’ll stop now.

The Falcons’ unbeaten season also stopped abruptly on Sunday, as Michael Vick and the Falcons fell to Detroit at home 17-10. The Lions have now won two straight road games, which is only remarkable when you consider that the Lions' last road win prior to this season took place before Ben Affleck had ever appeared on a tabloid. Meanwhile, the winless 49ers stormed back from 16 down in the fourth quarter to beat Arizona 31-28 in overtime. Of course, fewer people watched the game than watch MSNBC most nights.

Another winless team got off the schneid on Sunday, as the Buccaneers stunned the Saints in New Orleans. Saints fans promptly began wearing paper bags over their heads, although they may just be preparing for Mardi Gras – or may just be insecure about their looks. The Jaguars look pretty insecure themselves, after dropping a 34-21 decision to the Chargers. Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer celebrated by hiring his unborn grandchild as the assistant trainer.

There was one other game to report, but it was just another loss by the defending NFC champion Panthers. We’ll wait till next week, when they’ve lost another game, before we report on them. Yes, in case you’re wondering, the Panthers visit Philadelphia next weekend.