The NFL Preview

Oh, yes, it's time.

Several years ago, one of my sixth grade teachers, Mrs. Jeffries, told our class that she loved September because the start of fall was actually the start of many things. The school year. Autumn weather. Election season. And football.

To be honest, I could care less about the other stuff, even elections. But football -- as Bill Simmons noted, if you're a man in America and you don't like football, we should be suspicious of you. Hell, maybe you're really French.

So of course, it's time for my $3.14 NFL Preview. For those of you who don't understand why it's worth $3.14, you don't know me very well. Although I guess the new tagline could be, "This NFL Preview's Worth Less Than A Gallon of Gas."

NFC East

1. Eagles
2. Cowboys (wild-card)
3. Redskins
4. Giants

If the Eagles finish with a record of less than 11-5, the world might be ending in Philadelphia. Honestly, they have no business finishing less than 12-4. The Cowboys will be pretty good, because their defense will bounce back, but I keep wondering if my wild-card pick is ridiculously optimistic with the human statue behind center. The Redskins are still a bunch of head cases with no offense of any note, unless Joe Gibbs plans to bring Riggo out of retirement. As for the Giants... if Eli is any good, they can surpass the Redskins. But that assumes a lot. And when you assume stuff, you can end up looking like an idiot.

NFC North

1. Vikings
2. Lions
3. Bears
4. Packers

Yes, you read that right. I almost talked myself out of picking the Vikings, but Culpepper and Co. have enough talent to win this weak-ass division. Too bad they don't have enough talent to offset Mike Tice being the head coach in the playoffs. The Lions and Bears are interchangeable based on which QB performs better, but I think Harrington has more talent around him than David Hasselhoff had surrounding him during the 1990's. The Pack will stink worse than one of those Cheeseheads after a day in the sun.

NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. New Orleans Saints

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the only NFC team with any shot at stopping the Eagles. Of course, we think the Panthers won't do that, especially since they're a bunch of steroid-using criminals. As for the Falcons, we think Ron Mexico is more overrated as a passer than Ben Affleck as an actor. The Bucs will surprise everyone by finishing around .500, which will still leave John Gruden wearing that constipated angry face. As for the Saints, I hope they prove me wrong, considering that we could use some good news regarding New Orleans.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Arizona Cardinals (wild-card)
3. St. Louis Rams
4. San Francisco 49ers

Seriously, should we care? The Seahawks are being counted out by everyone -- the Cardinals are the popular sleeper pick, while the Rams are the de facto choice. The Arizona defense will be plenty good, but there's a reason Kurt Warner's been in the half-price bin the last two years -- the guy's past his shelf life. As for the Rams, we cannot in good conscience select any team with this many holes on defense and a coach who looks like the grown-up version of Jonathan Lipnicki. But even with that handicap, they will be better than the 49ers for one more year.

AFC East

1. Patriots
2. Bills
3. Jets
4. Dolphins

If you pick against the Patriots, you're an idiot. The Bills are a terrific team everywhere but QB, but J.P. Lohsman only needs to hand the ball to Willis McGahee, which should be enough to nip the Jets for second place. We like having Nick Saban coaching the Dolphins, if only because we enjoy the idea of seeing rookies cry.

AFC North

1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Bengals
4. Browns

Someone's going to win this division with a 9-7 record, maybe 10-6. The Steelers and Ravens should finish 1-2, but Cincinnati could sneak up on them because their offense is loaded. Too bad their defense is as bad as the Ravens' offense. The Steelers get the win by default, because Ben Roethlisberger's dating habits allow me to link to a picture of Natalie Gulbis.

AFC South

1. Colts
2. Jaguars (wild-card)
3. Texans
4. Titans

The Colts need to do more than win the division - they need home field advantage so Peyton Manning doesn't begin gagging at the mere sight of the Patriots. The Jaguars are my second wild-card, but I really wish the Texans would get better, because David Carr's hair needs more airtime. No one will remember these Titans for any particular reason, other than lame jokes like this.

AFC West

1. Chargers
2. Chiefs (wild-card)
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

Ugh. The Chargers should win the division, but the Chiefs will probably end up stealing the second wild-card. Mike Shanahan will continue getting praise for cutting Maurice Clarett, rather than getting ripped for drafting him. I don't want to discuss the delightful prospect of Randy Moss in a Raiders uniform with Kerry Collins and being coached by Norv Turner.This is a substance abuse problem for one of them waiting to happen. Best part is, those fans in the Black Hole have plenty of drugs to offer.

AFC Playoffs:

Wild Card: Jags over Chargers, Steelers over Chiefs
Divisional: Jags over Patriots, Colts over Steelers
AFC Championship: Colts over Jags

NFC Playoffs:

Wild-Card: Vikings over Cardinals, Cowboys over Seahawks
Divisional: Eagles over Cowboys, Panthers over Vikings
NFC Championship: Eagles over Panthers

A couple notes --

Yes, I'm an idiot for picking against the Pats. But these streaks end sometime, usually when we least expect it.

Anyone picking Mike Tice and the Vikings to reach the Super Bowl needs to realize one thing -- it's Mike Tice.

I'd like to see the party that erupts in Indy when/if the Patriots get knocked off by someone else.

As for the Eagles and Panthers, I want some revenge for two years ago.

As for Super Bowl predictions, let's be simple about this. Peyton Manning in a big game. Yup.

Super Bowl

Eagles over Colts

And if you don't believe me, just ask the next Super Bowl MVP... his initials are T. O.

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