Vegas, Baby, Vegas

Bill Simmons' column today on the NBA All-Star weekend in Vegas is making me miss my favorite place to visit. A couple gems...

1. A friend of a friend went to a bachelor party at a Venetian suite that featured strippers, including one who had a Nextel phone with a credit card swipe on it ... $50 per lap dance, every credit card was acceptable.

2. On Saturday morning, there was bumper-to-bumper traffic and a friend noticed a driver passed out in his car. When the traffic started moving again, the guy was still asleep and the driver behind him had to get out, walk over to the sleeping guy's car and bang on his window to wake him up.

3. There was a line of 150-175 guys outside the Spearmint Rhino late Friday night waiting to get inside.

4. Paris (a casino on the Strip) advertised a party featuring "host Vince Carter" and a $100 per-ticket price tag on Friday night ... and not only was Vince NOT there, he didn't know about it and had no idea there was even a casino named "Paris."

5. On Friday night, there were rumors that Britney Spears walked into a hair salon, asked a stylist to shave her head and then, when the stylist refused, she started cutting off her own hair before the stylist eventually consented to shave it. Seemed too crazy, right? Well, it was true! This actually happened! Britney Spears, welcome to the Tyson Zone! I will officially believe any rumor or story I ever hear about you until you're dead.

6. Paris Hilton's birthday party on Saturday night featured a goat, a monkey, a naked woman on a bed of glass and the Kiss midget band. I think this exact scenario appears in the scripture passage about Armageddon.

As of next month, it's been two stinking years since I visited Las Vegas. I need someone to have a bachelor party, and soon.