Reasons to Re-Elect Barack Obama
1.
Seriously, the economy has definitely turned
around. And it would have been much
quicker if the stimulus had only been bigger.[1]
2.
In the second term, we’ll try to implement popular
reforms, like instituting something akin to The Hunger Games.
3.
We promise to expand stem cell research in ways that
allow us to reanimate Steve Jobs.[2]
4.
We already won the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing. This term, we’re gunning for a Heisman
Trophy.
5.
Fine, we shouldn’t just offer free contraception to
women. Men can have free condoms,
too. And religious organizations won’t
have to pay for those either -- drug stores will pay for them instead, at no
cost to anyone.[3]
6.
Okay, it was a bad idea to try to make alternative
forms of energy competitive by simply raising the price of gas. In the second term, we’ll spend money that
you won’t miss (taxpayer dollars from rich people) to make the alternative
forms of energy cheaper.[4]
7.
Our interviews on The Daily Show would be way cooler
than anyone from the GOP, and that’s not just because Jon Stewart feels
obligated to kiss our asses.[5]
9.
Look, every other time Barack Obama has had a job, he’s
immediately started looking for a new job or running for a higher office. Doesn’t it say how dedicated to this job he
is that he’s not already looking to do something else?[7]
10.
Ron Paul was a serious contender for the GOP nomination
– how can you trust a party where that guy is a serious contender for anything?[8]
11.
President Obama’s first important appointment decision
was selecting Biden. You can argue that
all of his appointments since then have demonstrated a serious improvement.[9]
12.
Look at everything President Obama has overcome – a
lack of experience, slavish devotion to liberal ideology, the arrogant belief
that he knows better than you how to run your life, Democratic Congressional
leaders like Pelosi and Reid, a Cabinet filled with people who couldn’t plan a
successful middle school dance, etc. I
mean, it’s a wonder the country’s not in worse shape, right?
13.
You have to remember, we couldn’t implement our full
Socialist vision until after re-election, especially after the midterm
shellacking. Once we get the full
Socialist utopia in place, it’s bound to work, just like it says on paper.
14.
We had one really cool idea – we invited the 1985 Bears
to the White House for their long-overdue visit! How can anyone oppose the guys who did the
Super Bowl Shuffle finally getting their moment in the White House spotlight?
15.
If re-elected, we will go back and make the creators of
Lost film a real conclusion that isn’t completely
crappy dreck that leaves tons of questions unanswered.[10]
16.
We need to give Eric Holder time to implement our
pro-Second Amendment policies. Yes, we
said pro-Second Amendment. What people
don’t realize about Operation Fast & Furious is that we were trying to
promote gun ownership by people all around the world. First term, Mexico Canada
17.
Just a reminder – bin Laden is dead. No, we swear this is the first time we’re
bringing it up.
18.
Remember how you were all concerned in 2008 that we
would elect a gaffe-prone embarrassment to be Veep? Well, we’ve proven it’s no big deal, haven’t
we?
19.
We have the first Secretary of Education who played in
the NBA All-Star Game’s Celebrity Game.
That’s an achievement that no other country can boast![12]
20.
Silly Rick Santorum thinks anyone who wants everyone to
go to college is a snob. Dude, those are
just garden-variety snobs. By contrast,
this ticket offers Ivy-League educated,
never-have-worked-a-real-day-in-the-private-sector, friends-with-60s-radicals,
40-years-at-DC-cocktail-party snobbery. You deserve the best elitists we can offer, America
21.
Think about all the diverse contacts Obama brought to
the Oval Office. He’s been friends with
liberals in Hawaii , Cambridge ,
New York City, Chicago
22.
Steven Chu guarantees that if we invest in nine more
solar energy projects, the tenth bankruptcy filing fee will be waived![13]
23.
Emerging industries need our support. Without government investment, Apple, Amazon,
and Google never would have gotten off the ground.[14]
24.
In the second term, we’ll spur the economy with
repeated Barack appearances on television. No, we’re not just talking about speeches –
we’re talking guest appearances. The
ratings boosts will inspire more advertising and hence more hiring. For example, the President’s already lined up
to do an episode of How I Met Your
Mother.[15]
25.
We need time to let our Iran
26.
Can you really trust the GOP to do anything right? I mean, they lost an election to us last
time.[16]
27.
There are still business leaders who haven’t bailed on
us yet. Granted, they’re all receiving
taxpayer money, but by Chicago
28.
We all know we would be winning this election in a
cakewalk, if it weren’t for those darn Fox News kids and that stupid Mystery
Machine.
29.
If we lose, Barack might need to move back to Chicago
31.
Listen up, Tea Party – without us as inspiration, you
wouldn’t even exist! Vote for us, and
imagine the crappy stuff you’ll get to run against in the 2014 Congressional
elections![19]
32.
With businesses going belly-up left and right, we can’t
afford to have another billion-dollar enterprise fail, so make sure our
campaign succeeds!
33.
In order to make it seem like we know what we’re doing,
we’ve agreed to hire the cast of The West
Wing as actual staffers in the second term.[20]
34.
Second-termers get a special discount at the resorts on
Martha’s Vineyard , and we all know that this
administration is about saving money!
35.
We’re stealing a page from Donald Trump – we’ll be
firing one federal worker every day until the unemployment rate drops below 5%.[21]
36.
We’re offering anyone who votes for us the chance to
enter a raffle, where first prize will be having Tom Hanks narrate your audio
Christmas card!
37.
If you don’t re-elect us, Biden might go back and run
for Senate in Delaware
38.
We’re now working on celebrity endorsements from every
level of celebrity. For example, Zac
Efron’s dogwalker will be making a personal appearance with Jill Biden next
week!
39.
We’re working on fixing the mess Bush created in Afghanistan
40.
Look, guys, if we can figure out a way to make people
advocate for a right to free contraception, we can figure out a way to get them
to believe that there’s a right to free beer, too.[23]
41.
We would note that during Obama’s entire term, the
Spice Girls have not made a comeback. We
think that counts for something.
42.
Unlike Bush, we’ve never sought Congressional
authorization to go to war. We don’t
need stuff like that, because the anti-war left doesn’t give a crap about the
law or all those principles as long we’re in office.[24]
43.
If you think our Supreme Court appointments were
impressive before, just wait until we appoint Michelle next term.[25]
44.
In order to assist Steven Chu, we’ve hired some new
experts at DOE. Introducing: the nerds
from The Big Bang Theory![26]
45.
There hasn’t been a single scandal involving a number
of our appointees. For example, the
Postmaster General has done nothing wrong; the Postal Service just naturally
loses money.
46.
We’ve got a foolproof plan to pay off the national debt
– we’ll sell the U.S. Constitution to the Chinese in return for $20 trillion or
so. It’s not like we believe in it, and
we all know the Chinese people need more freedom.[27]
47.
Come on, men.
You want to vote for us – women are more likely to be happy with
Democrats in office, which means you can drink beer and watch football without
being bothered. And that’s what you
really want, isn’t it? Who cares about
debt and all that other crap?
48.
Okay, we get it GOP – you want us out. Let’s make it fair. Just remember all of you show up to vote on
Election Day, the first Tuesday in December.[28]
49.
All mortgages forgiven, the day after the
election. C’mon, John Boehner can’t stop
us.
50.
Everyone keeps talking about how the private sector is
the key to job creation and turning around the economy. But if you don’t re-elect this ticker, both
Obama and Biden will suddenly be in the private sector – imagine the damage
they could do to the economy then![29]
51.
You may think we’re dangerously unqualified to be
President and Vice-President, but we’re even more unqualified for jobs in the
private sector![30]
[1] Author’s
note: we think this is an actual
argument being put forth by the Obama-Biden campaign, and we wanted to note it
for the record as such, since it’s hard to distinguish its stupidity relative
to the other ones we’re suggesting here.
[2] It’s no
more ridiculous than our promises to expand solar energy.
[3] Author’s
note: This is not identical to an actual argument, but it’s only slightly less
absurd, so we wanted to identify it for readers as such.
[4] What do
you mean, we’re already doing that? Wow,
that Steven Chu guy is way ahead of the curve.
What a brilliant Cabinet pick, huh?
[5] And for
the record, it’s not killing Stewart to pull his punches on Joe Biden. Some jokes are too easy, and Stewart doesn’t
feel right making fun of someone who’s intellectually incapable of defending
himself.
[6]
SHHHH! Some people don’t know it’s free,
dammit!
[7] And no,
we haven’t started our campaign for U.N. Secretary General. Okay, maybe a little bit.
[8]
Who? John Edwards? You mean the guy who talks to dead
people? We don’t remember him being a
Democratic contender for President.
[9] Please
ignore Tim Geithner, like we do at every Cabinet meeting.
[10] What do
you mean, we need a Constitutional justification? Doesn’t that Commerce Clause justify everything? In conjunction with the Necessary and Proper
Clause?
[11] You
have to admit, this is the best justification we’ve offered for Fast and
Furious.
[12] And
let’s face it – there’s no better metric by which to measure our country’s
educational system.
[13] Offer
only applies if bankruptcy occurs before end of second term.
[14] Note to
campaign: make sure we revise Wikipedia pages for these entities to reflect our
version of “reality.”
[15] It will
be… wait for it… wait for it… legendary!
[16]
Seriously, if you can lose to a ticket featuring Joe Biden, who can think
you’re competent?
[17] And
have you seen the Chicago
[18] We just
wanted to remind people of the three reasons they voted for us last time.
[19] Heck,
Christine O’Donnell might win this time.
[20] And as
a special bonus, Charlie Sheen has agreed to serve as the wacky janitor as a
favor to his dad. Winning!
[21] Don’t
worry -- consistent with union rules, the workers will continue to receive
their salaries in perpetuity.
[22] In case
the Senate ends up in a 50/50 tie, please ignore this item. Thank you.
[23] And
we’re talking the good stuff – microbrews for everyone!
[24] If you
don’t believe us, watch what happens when we announce our revenge invasion of Vietnam
[25] There
is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Barack’s doing this to get her to cut
back on the vacations.
[26] What do
you mean, they’re not real physicists?
We did this on Bill Clinton’s recommendation. He even hired the hot blonde as his assistant
so she wouldn’t be jobless... oh.
[27] Thanks
for talking up the import of the document, Tea Party pals. It really helped raise the price.
[28] You
have no idea how many times that worked on Biden.
[29] We’re
pretty sure that Biden can destroy the economy of Delaware
[30] Do you
think anyone takes the words “community organizer” seriously when they see them
on a resume?
Labels: 2012 election, barack obama, reasons to re-elect BO
posted by Raje at 9:37 PM
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