Monday, November 05, 2012

Reasons to Re-Elect Barack Obama

1.                  Seriously, the economy has definitely turned around.  And it would have been much quicker if the stimulus had only been bigger.[1]


2.                  In the second term, we’ll try to implement popular reforms, like instituting something akin to The Hunger Games.


3.                  We promise to expand stem cell research in ways that allow us to reanimate Steve Jobs.[2]


4.                  We already won the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing.  This term, we’re gunning for a Heisman Trophy.Hesi


5.                  Fine, we shouldn’t just offer free contraception to women.  Men can have free condoms, too.  And religious organizations won’t have to pay for those either -- drug stores will pay for them instead, at no cost to anyone.[3]


6.                  Okay, it was a bad idea to try to make alternative forms of energy competitive by simply raising the price of gas.  In the second term, we’ll spend money that you won’t miss (taxpayer dollars from rich people) to make the alternative forms of energy cheaper.[4]


7.                  Our interviews on The Daily Show would be way cooler than anyone from the GOP, and that’s not just because Jon Stewart feels obligated to kiss our asses.[5]


8.                  We know Mark Zuckerberg.  Heck, we can get you a free Facebook page.[6]


9.                  Look, every other time Barack Obama has had a job, he’s immediately started looking for a new job or running for a higher office.  Doesn’t it say how dedicated to this job he is that he’s not already looking to do something else?[7]


10.              Ron Paul was a serious contender for the GOP nomination – how can you trust a party where that guy is a serious contender for anything?[8]


11.              President Obama’s first important appointment decision was selecting Biden.  You can argue that all of his appointments since then have demonstrated a serious improvement.[9]


12.              Look at everything President Obama has overcome – a lack of experience, slavish devotion to liberal ideology, the arrogant belief that he knows better than you how to run your life, Democratic Congressional leaders like Pelosi and Reid, a Cabinet filled with people who couldn’t plan a successful middle school dance, etc.  I mean, it’s a wonder the country’s not in worse shape, right?


13.              You have to remember, we couldn’t implement our full Socialist vision until after re-election, especially after the midterm shellacking.  Once we get the full Socialist utopia in place, it’s bound to work, just like it says on paper.


14.              We had one really cool idea – we invited the 1985 Bears to the White House for their long-overdue visit!  How can anyone oppose the guys who did the Super Bowl Shuffle finally getting their moment in the White House spotlight?


15.              If re-elected, we will go back and make the creators of Lost  film a real conclusion that isn’t completely crappy dreck that leaves tons of questions unanswered.[10]


16.              We need to give Eric Holder time to implement our pro-Second Amendment policies.  Yes, we said pro-Second Amendment.  What people don’t realize about Operation Fast & Furious is that we were trying to promote gun ownership by people all around the world.  First term, Mexico.  Next up, Canada![11]


17.              Just a reminder – bin Laden is dead.  No, we swear this is the first time we’re bringing it up.


18.              Remember how you were all concerned in 2008 that we would elect a gaffe-prone embarrassment to be Veep?  Well, we’ve proven it’s no big deal, haven’t we?


19.              We have the first Secretary of Education who played in the NBA All-Star Game’s Celebrity Game.  That’s an achievement that no other country can boast![12]


20.              Silly Rick Santorum thinks anyone who wants everyone to go to college is a snob.  Dude, those are just garden-variety snobs.  By contrast, this ticket offers Ivy-League educated, never-have-worked-a-real-day-in-the-private-sector, friends-with-60s-radicals, 40-years-at-DC-cocktail-party snobbery.  You deserve the best elitists we can offer, America!


21.              Think about all the diverse contacts Obama brought to the Oval Office.  He’s been friends with liberals in Hawaii, Cambridge, New York City, Chicago, and D.C.  That’s some serious life experience, folks!


22.              Steven Chu guarantees that if we invest in nine more solar energy projects, the tenth bankruptcy filing fee will be waived![13]


23.              Emerging industries need our support.  Without government investment, Apple, Amazon, and Google never would have gotten off the ground.[14]


24.              In the second term, we’ll spur the economy with repeated Barack appearances on television.  No, we’re not just talking about speeches – we’re talking guest appearances.  The ratings boosts will inspire more advertising and hence more hiring.  For example, the President’s already lined up to do an episode of How I Met Your Mother.[15]


25.              We need time to let our Iran strategy succeed.  By the time the second term is up, we’re sure Achmadinijad will accept that fruit basket and agree to call us back.


26.              Can you really trust the GOP to do anything right?  I mean, they lost an election to us last time.[16]


27.              There are still business leaders who haven’t bailed on us yet.  Granted, they’re all receiving taxpayer money, but by Chicago standards, we haven’t even started bribery discussions.


28.              We all know we would be winning this election in a cakewalk, if it weren’t for those darn Fox News kids and that stupid Mystery Machine.


29.              If we lose, Barack might need to move back to Chicago while Sasha and Malia stay behind with Michelle to finish the school year.  You don’t want to separate a family, do you?[17]


30.              Yes, we can!  Hope and change!  It’s Bush’s fault![18]


31.              Listen up, Tea Party – without us as inspiration, you wouldn’t even exist!  Vote for us, and imagine the crappy stuff you’ll get to run against in the 2014 Congressional elections![19]


32.              With businesses going belly-up left and right, we can’t afford to have another billion-dollar enterprise fail, so make sure our campaign succeeds!


33.              In order to make it seem like we know what we’re doing, we’ve agreed to hire the cast of The West Wing as actual staffers in the second term.[20]


34.              Second-termers get a special discount at the resorts on Martha’s Vineyard, and we all know that this administration is about saving money!


35.              We’re stealing a page from Donald Trump – we’ll be firing one federal worker every day until the unemployment rate drops below 5%.[21]


36.              We’re offering anyone who votes for us the chance to enter a raffle, where first prize will be having Tom Hanks narrate your audio Christmas card!


37.              If you don’t re-elect us, Biden might go back and run for Senate in Delaware again.  Do you really want to put Joe Biden in a position where he’s doing something important, like voting on legislation?[22]


38.              We’re now working on celebrity endorsements from every level of celebrity.  For example, Zac Efron’s dogwalker will be making a personal appearance with Jill Biden next week!


39.              We’re working on fixing the mess Bush created in Afghanistan.  By the end of our second term, the Taliban will be back in charge, and it’ll be like we never went in there.


40.              Look, guys, if we can figure out a way to make people advocate for a right to free contraception, we can figure out a way to get them to believe that there’s a right to free beer, too.[23]


41.              We would note that during Obama’s entire term, the Spice Girls have not made a comeback.  We think that counts for something.


42.              Unlike Bush, we’ve never sought Congressional authorization to go to war.  We don’t need stuff like that, because the anti-war left doesn’t give a crap about the law or all those principles as long we’re in office.[24]


43.              If you think our Supreme Court appointments were impressive before, just wait until we appoint Michelle next term.[25]


44.              In order to assist Steven Chu, we’ve hired some new experts at DOE.  Introducing: the nerds from The Big Bang Theory![26]


45.              There hasn’t been a single scandal involving a number of our appointees.  For example, the Postmaster General has done nothing wrong; the Postal Service just naturally loses money.


46.              We’ve got a foolproof plan to pay off the national debt – we’ll sell the U.S. Constitution to the Chinese in return for $20 trillion or so.  It’s not like we believe in it, and we all know the Chinese people need more freedom.[27]


47.              Come on, men.  You want to vote for us – women are more likely to be happy with Democrats in office, which means you can drink beer and watch football without being bothered.  And that’s what you really want, isn’t it?  Who cares about debt and all that other crap?


48.              Okay, we get it GOP – you want us out.  Let’s make it fair.  Just remember all of you show up to vote on Election Day, the first Tuesday in December.[28]


49.              All mortgages forgiven, the day after the election.  C’mon, John Boehner can’t stop us.


50.              Everyone keeps talking about how the private sector is the key to job creation and turning around the economy.  But if you don’t re-elect this ticker, both Obama and Biden will suddenly be in the private sector – imagine the damage they could do to the economy then![29]


51.              You may think we’re dangerously unqualified to be President and Vice-President, but we’re even more unqualified for jobs in the private sector![30]

[1] Author’s note: we think this is an actual argument being put forth by the Obama-Biden campaign, and we wanted to note it for the record as such, since it’s hard to distinguish its stupidity relative to the other ones we’re suggesting here.
[2] It’s no more ridiculous than our promises to expand solar energy.
[3] Author’s note: This is not identical to an actual argument, but it’s only slightly less absurd, so we wanted to identify it for readers as such. 
[4] What do you mean, we’re already doing that?  Wow, that Steven Chu guy is way ahead of the curve.  What a brilliant Cabinet pick, huh?
[5] And for the record, it’s not killing Stewart to pull his punches on Joe Biden.  Some jokes are too easy, and Stewart doesn’t feel right making fun of someone who’s intellectually incapable of defending himself.
[6] SHHHH!  Some people don’t know it’s free, dammit!
[7] And no, we haven’t started our campaign for U.N. Secretary General.  Okay, maybe a little bit.
[8] Who?  John Edwards?  You mean the guy who talks to dead people?  We don’t remember him being a Democratic contender for President.
[9] Please ignore Tim Geithner, like we do at every Cabinet meeting.
[10] What do you mean, we need a Constitutional justification?  Doesn’t that Commerce Clause justify everything?  In conjunction with the Necessary and Proper Clause?
[11] You have to admit, this is the best justification we’ve offered for Fast and Furious.
[12] And let’s face it – there’s no better metric by which to measure our country’s educational system.
[13] Offer only applies if bankruptcy occurs before end of second term.
[14] Note to campaign: make sure we revise Wikipedia pages for these entities to reflect our version of “reality.”
[15] It will be… wait for it… wait for it… legendary!
[16] Seriously, if you can lose to a ticket featuring Joe Biden, who can think you’re competent?
[17] And have you seen the Chicago public schools?  Seriously, you don’t want to do that to those kids.
[18] We just wanted to remind people of the three reasons they voted for us last time.
[19] Heck, Christine O’Donnell might win this time.
[20] And as a special bonus, Charlie Sheen has agreed to serve as the wacky janitor as a favor to his dad.  Winning!
[21] Don’t worry -- consistent with union rules, the workers will continue to receive their salaries in perpetuity.
[22] In case the Senate ends up in a 50/50 tie, please ignore this item.  Thank you.
[23] And we’re talking the good stuff – microbrews for everyone!
[24] If you don’t believe us, watch what happens when we announce our revenge invasion of Vietnam.
[25] There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Barack’s doing this to get her to cut back on the vacations.
[26] What do you mean, they’re not real physicists?  We did this on Bill Clinton’s recommendation.  He even hired the hot blonde as his assistant so she wouldn’t be jobless... oh.
[27] Thanks for talking up the import of the document, Tea Party pals.  It really helped raise the price.
[28] You have no idea how many times that worked on Biden.
[29] We’re pretty sure that Biden can destroy the economy of Delaware simply by going home.
[30] Do you think anyone takes the words “community organizer” seriously when they see them on a resume?

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