Sunday, November 04, 2012

Reasons To Re-Elect Barack Obama

The latest in the on-going series of reasons to re-elect the President.  Or as Jimmy Carter refers to him, "The guy who makes me look competent."

1.                  If we lose, Barack won’t have access to the White House basketball court anymore.  You know how hard it is for him to find an open court in Chicago?

2.                  America re-elected the first white President.  If they don’t re-elect the first black President, it would have to be racism.[1]

3.                  Seven words: Stimulus Part Two – Free Tacos for Everyone.[2]

4.                  Remember, we’re the guys who ran on a promise of hope and change.  If we’re defeated, hope would be defeated, and that’s not right.[3]

5.                  We’ll follow you on Twitter if you vote for us.  And we’ll even get Anthony Weiner to follow you, too.[4]

6.                  Give us another term, and we swear the oceans will stop rising.  We’ll get the guys who are measuring unemployment to start measuring the ocean levels, too.

7.                  Remember when we said this was more like an 80’s movie?  Actually, we now think it’s more like a sitcom that’s starting to age, and needs a new character to freshen things up.  So, get ready for the adoption of the newest first kid… Justin Bieber Obama![5]

8.                  If you elect a Republican, then Bill Maher will have new material, and HBO will never cancel his gawdawful show.

9.                  We really don’t want to have to change our status on Facebook, let alone our job on our Linked In profile.  We don’t even remember the password to that thing.[6]

10.              If you don’t re-elect us, George Lucas will make another trilogy – and this time, Jar Jar will do a dance scene with the Ewoks.  Don’t make him do it.[7]

11.              We don’t want to have to hang out with the one-term Presidents at the Presidential Club.  Do you have any idea how boring small talk with Jimmy Carter is?[8]

12.              If you only read the New York Times and watch MSNBC, you’ll know that we haven’t had a single scandal, so we’re not lying when we say “Most Ethical Administration, EVER!”

13.              If you don’t re-elect us, Barack has to return to lecturing on Constitutional Law, and we’ve all come to understand that he knows even less about that topic than he does about being President.[9]

14.              We were planning a really kickass second-term farewell show in 2016, with a closing number where Barack sings “End of the Road” with Boyz To Men.  If we don’t win, you’ll never see it.

15.              If a Republican is in office, celebrities will start cursing at the President during awards shows again.  We don’t want our children to see people openly disrespecting the Office of the Presidency, do we?

16.              We’re not witches.  Seriously.[10]

17.              During our term, the NBA and NFL have both avoided lockouts, and Major League Baseball successfully got a labor deal extension.  Wait, what do you mean we can’t take credit for that?[11]

18.              Federal workers have had their pay frozen for the last couple years.  Do you really think it’s fair to fire us after not giving us a raise for two years?

19.              Obamacare?  Oh, we only signed that.  It was Congress that passed it, and we didn’t want to supercede the will of the people’s representatives.

20.              Stimulus?  Actually, that passed in 2009, and George W. Bush was President for the first 19 days of that year, so that’s his fault.[12]

21.              Remember those Marines who got dates with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake?  Well, they’ve agreed to go out with one pro-Obama voter each, so if you vote for us, you’ve got a shot![13]

22.              If you give us four more years, we’ll definitely solve that immigration problem, since the economy will suck so bad that no one will want to come here!

23.              You can’t elect the Republicans, unless you believe in drowning widows and orphans while laughing maniacally.  At least, that’s what Hollywood teaches us, and they never lie.[14]

24.              With Republicans in office, Hollywood will start making more crappy anti-war films.  We don’t need that.

25.              Just imagine any of the Republicans dancing at an Inaugural Ball.  Ugh.[15]

26.              We need at least four more years to get one of these green energy loans right.  One of these companies is bound to not go bankrupt if we just keep at it long enough.

27.              This one’s for you, guys – in a second term, we’d amend Obamacare so it covers the cost of Viagra![16]

28.              With a second term, we’ll appoint a bipartisan commission to study the debt problem, with a focus toward looking at tax policy and entitlements to try to figure out the best way to handle the issue.  Then, we’ll listen to their sober recommendations and give a speech with some platitudes about how we don’t agree with all of it, but we see the framework for a deal, and we’ll try to work with Congress to get a deal… before refusing to cooperate on a deal that anyone on the other side of the aisle would find acceptable.[17]

29.              Did we mention that we killed bin Laden?  Okay, just making sure you don’t forget that, in the midst of all this great substantive list of reasons.  I mean, it’s kind of hard to remember it, what with all the great stuff we’ve done.

30.              If you re-elect us, we’ll finally release Barack’s mysterious college thesis, which will prove that there’s nothing controversial there.  After all, it’s just the foundation for Obamanomics.

31.              Re-elect us, or Bill Ayres might stop by your neighborhood with his wife and some “presents” that are guaranteed to cause a bang.[18]

32.              It’s only 1,461 days more.  How bad could it get?[19]

33.              They say great art usually comes about due to great suffering.  If that is true, people will end up looking back on these years as a time of artistic renaissance.

34.              People keep saying we don’t have a solution to the debt problem, but we do.  We’ll just tell China and the rest of our creditors that we need to change the terms of our payments.  It’s worked exceptionally well in the mortgage industry, right?

35.              Remember, the goal Michelle articulated was to “Move!”  We didn’t say it would involve moving in the right direction.[20]

36.              Debt?  We’ll hire a magician to make the debt disappear!  Hey, your kids will love it![21]

37.              This time, we’ll stick to our promise regarding marijuana legalization.[22]  Seriously, you can trust us.  Try a brownie.

38.              Unlike our opponents, this ticket is viewed as so fantastic that no one even bothered to run against us in the primary.  How can you doubt the brilliance of the Democratic Party?

39.              Bin Laden.  Dead.  And we don’t like to brag or anything, but we were kind of part of the mission, since we watched it on TV.

40.              In our second term, we promise to export our job-killing policies to other nations, starting with China.  This will mean that those jobs will come back here![23]

41.              Do you understand how risky it was to pass something as unpopular as health care reform?  We want to reward risk-taking like that from politicians, don’t we?  It shows that we would be absolutely willing to do something unpopular, like take on entitlement reform.[24]

42.              Before Barack Obama, the Democratic Party nominated stiffs like Al Gore and John Kerry.  We don’t want to make the party think it’s a good idea to go back to nominating people like that, do we?[25]

43.              Michelle Obama is way smarter and cooler than any other First Lady candidate.  Heck, she can make Letterman laugh!  Can Ann Romney do that?[26]

44.              You don’t want to make Sasha and Malia cry, do you?

45.              We’re not saying that the Republican Party opposes equal rights for women, but we hear Mitt Romney’s first act in office would be to sign an executive order permitting men to club women and drag them back to their caves by their hair… while confiscating all of their birth control![27]

46.              Yes, we know the price of gas is high.  But thanks to Al Gore’s invention of the internet, you don’t have to drive anywhere anymore, do you?

47.              Our inaugural balls feature far better music than the GOP’s.

48.              How bad can the economy be. when people are handing us $35,000 just to eat dinner with Biden?[28]

49.              It’s our dream to be re-elected.  With all these people questioning whether the American dream still exists, crushing our dreams would be further evidence of the decline of America.

50.              Look, we approved the Keystone Pipeline – okay, it was just the part that we don’t actually need to approve while refusing to approve the part where they need our approval, but that’s just a little technicality that you should just forget about for now.[29]

[1] And you know, that guy (George Washington) wasn’t subject to a two-term limit.  So technically, barring repeal of the 22nd Amendment, the country would still be racist even if we were re-elected.
[2] But remember, no more than two per person, or Michelle will frown at you.
[3] Actually, we hear hope floats.
[4] We’ll have him follow you in real life, because having him follow you on Twitter is pretty creepy.
[5] We think he’s Canadian, but we have ways of fixing birth certificates.
[6] We had to change it because Bill Ayres kept hacking it.
[7] You think he would have promised to stop making them if we hadn’t given him a stimulus loan?  Hmmm?
[8] If he starts talking about rabbits, RUN.
[9] Law students are having a tough enough time with crushing debt and a bad job market.  We don’t need to be increasing their challenges.
[10] We know it didn’t work for Christine O’Donnell, but we’re desperate here.
[11] We’re kind of strapped on things we want to take credit for, so let us have that one, okay?  And ignore that little NHL lockout.  It's not like anyone watches hockey.
[12] Actually, we think Bush snuck into the White House and usurped power for a couple hours in 2010 and 2011, so all the crap legislation the last couple years is also all his fault.
[13] And it’s not true that Axelrod and Jarrett are rigging the competition so they win.  They’re rigging the competition so some dead person wins, so Timberlake and Kunis don’t have to pay off the debt.  After all, this administration does not believe in paying off debts, ever.
[14] Particularly about the maniacal laugh thing.  Man, is that creepy.
[15] Although Mitt Romney probably does a mean robot imitation.
[16] Not to mention those dietary supplements advertised by Smiling Bob.
[17] No, we didn’t do this already.  Last time, we gave multiple speeches.
[18] No, we don’t know him.  He just lives in our neighborhood, occasionally drove the girls to school, has yet to return Barack’s band saw, and is the executor to the family’s will.  Other than that, the Obamas barely know him at all.
[19] Especially when we’re making up the unemployment numbers and the press isn’t reporting anything bad.  Woo-hoo!
[20] And if Biden is involved in driving the car, you’re starting out with the presumption that he’s holding the map upside down, or doesn’t understand the GPS.  Seriously, Joe thinks the woman on the GPS is talking to him, and starts talking back about whatever is on his mind… which tends to be even more boring than you think it would be, if that’s possible.  If someone can help with that, we’d really appreciate it.
[21] And trust me, the kids will go.  Assuming the Obamacare mandate is upheld, we can force parents to buy tickets!
[22] For the record, we have never made any actual promise regarding marijuana legalization, but we will stick to the promise, whatever it is and whenever we make it.  Like we said, have a brownie.
[23] Just keep this promise quiet.  We don’t want anyone outside the U.S. to find out.
[24] Please note, we would never never never never never never never never never never cut any of those entitlements.
[25] We’re not throwing either one under the bus, we swear.  It’s not our fault they lack any charisma whatsoever.
[26] Probably yes, but we mean intentionally by telling a joke.
[27] And even worse, the GOP wouldn’t even  allow the EPA to enforce rules on the source of the wood being used for the clubs.  Savages.
[28] Keep in mind, that’s not a pleasant experience.  Joe’s still learning that flatulence jokes at the dinner table aren’t that funny.
[29] For the record, people are way too obsessed with these types of technicalities, like the existence of the Second Amendment and that pesky Constitution overall.

Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home