Reasons To Re-Elect Barack Obama
The latest in the on-going series of reasons to re-elect the President. Or as Jimmy Carter refers to him, "The guy who makes me look competent."
1.
If we lose, Barack won’t have access to the White House
basketball court anymore. You know how
hard it is for him to find an open court in Chicago
2.
America
3.
Seven words: Stimulus Part Two – Free Tacos for
Everyone.[2]
4.
Remember, we’re the guys who ran on a promise of hope
and change. If we’re defeated, hope
would be defeated, and that’s not right.[3]
5.
We’ll follow you on Twitter if you vote for us. And we’ll even get Anthony Weiner to follow
you, too.[4]
6.
Give us another term, and we swear the oceans will stop
rising. We’ll get the guys who are
measuring unemployment to start measuring the ocean levels, too.
7.
Remember when we said this was more like an 80’s
movie? Actually, we now think it’s more
like a sitcom that’s starting to age, and needs a new character to freshen
things up. So, get ready for the adoption
of the newest first kid… Justin Bieber Obama![5]
8.
If you elect a Republican, then Bill Maher will have
new material, and HBO will never cancel his gawdawful show.
9.
We really don’t want to have to change our status on
Facebook, let alone our job on our Linked In profile. We don’t even remember the password to that
thing.[6]
10.
If you don’t re-elect us, George Lucas will make
another trilogy – and this time, Jar Jar will do a dance scene with the
Ewoks. Don’t make him do it.[7]
11.
We don’t want to have to hang out with the one-term
Presidents at the Presidential Club. Do
you have any idea how boring small talk with Jimmy Carter is?[8]
12.
If you only read the New York Times and watch MSNBC,
you’ll know that we haven’t had a single scandal, so we’re not lying when we
say “Most Ethical Administration, EVER!”
13.
If you don’t re-elect us, Barack has to return to
lecturing on Constitutional Law, and we’ve all come to understand that he knows
even less about that topic than he does about being President.[9]
14.
We were planning a really kickass second-term farewell
show in 2016, with a closing number where Barack sings “End of the Road” with
Boyz To Men. If we don’t win, you’ll
never see it.
15.
If a Republican is in office, celebrities will start
cursing at the President during awards shows again. We don’t want our children to see people
openly disrespecting the Office of the Presidency, do we?
17.
During our term, the NBA and NFL have both avoided
lockouts, and Major League Baseball successfully got a labor deal
extension. Wait, what do you mean we
can’t take credit for that?[11]
18.
Federal workers have had their pay frozen for the last
couple years. Do you really think it’s
fair to fire us after not giving us a raise for two years?
19.
Obamacare? Oh,
we only signed that. It was Congress
that passed it, and we didn’t want to supercede the will of the people’s
representatives.
20.
Stimulus?
Actually, that passed in 2009, and George W. Bush was President for the
first 19 days of that year, so that’s his fault.[12]
21.
Remember those Marines who got dates with Mila Kunis
and Justin Timberlake? Well, they’ve
agreed to go out with one pro-Obama voter each, so if you vote for us, you’ve
got a shot![13]
22.
If you give us four more years, we’ll definitely solve
that immigration problem, since the economy will suck so bad that no one will
want to come here!
23.
You can’t elect the Republicans, unless you believe in
drowning widows and orphans while laughing maniacally. At least, that’s what Hollywood
24.
With Republicans in office, Hollywood
26.
We need at least four more years to get one of these
green energy loans right. One of these
companies is bound to not go bankrupt if we just keep at it long enough.
27.
This one’s for you, guys – in a second term, we’d amend
Obamacare so it covers the cost of Viagra![16]
28.
With a second term, we’ll appoint a bipartisan
commission to study the debt problem, with a focus toward looking at tax policy
and entitlements to try to figure out the best way to handle the issue. Then, we’ll listen to their sober
recommendations and give a speech with some platitudes about how we don’t agree
with all of it, but we see the framework for a deal, and we’ll try to work with
Congress to get a deal… before refusing to cooperate on a deal that anyone on
the other side of the aisle would find acceptable.[17]
29.
Did we mention that we killed bin Laden? Okay, just making sure you don’t forget that,
in the midst of all this great substantive list of reasons. I mean, it’s kind of hard to remember it,
what with all the great stuff we’ve done.
30.
If you re-elect us, we’ll finally release Barack’s
mysterious college thesis, which will prove that there’s nothing controversial
there. After all, it’s just the
foundation for Obamanomics.
31.
Re-elect us, or Bill Ayres might stop by your
neighborhood with his wife and some “presents” that are guaranteed to cause a
bang.[18]
33.
They say great art usually comes about due to great
suffering. If that is true, people will
end up looking back on these years as a time of artistic renaissance.
34.
People keep saying we don’t have a solution to the debt
problem, but we do. We’ll just tell China
35.
Remember, the goal Michelle articulated was to “Move!” We didn’t say it would involve moving in the
right direction.[20]
37.
This time, we’ll stick to our promise regarding
marijuana legalization.[22] Seriously, you can trust us. Try a brownie.
38.
Unlike our opponents, this ticket is viewed as so
fantastic that no one even bothered to run against us in the primary. How can you doubt the brilliance of the
Democratic Party?
39.
Bin Laden.
Dead. And we don’t like to brag
or anything, but we were kind of part of the mission, since we watched it on
TV.
40.
In our second term, we promise to export our
job-killing policies to other nations, starting with China
41.
Do you understand how risky it was to pass something as
unpopular as health care reform? We want
to reward risk-taking like that from politicians, don’t we? It shows that we would be absolutely willing
to do something unpopular, like take on entitlement reform.[24]
42.
Before Barack Obama, the Democratic Party nominated
stiffs like Al Gore and John Kerry. We
don’t want to make the party think it’s a good idea to go back to nominating
people like that, do we?[25]
43.
Michelle Obama is way smarter and cooler than any other
First Lady candidate. Heck, she can make
Letterman laugh! Can Ann Romney
do that?[26]
44.
You don’t want to make Sasha and Malia cry, do you?
45.
We’re not saying that the Republican Party opposes
equal rights for women, but we hear Mitt Romney’s first act in office would
be to sign an executive order permitting men to club women and drag them back
to their caves by their hair… while confiscating all of their birth control![27]
46.
Yes, we know the price of gas is high. But thanks to Al Gore’s invention of the
internet, you don’t have to drive anywhere anymore, do you?
47.
Our inaugural balls feature far better music than the
GOP’s.
48.
How bad can the economy be. when people are handing us
$35,000 just to eat dinner with Biden?[28]
49.
It’s our dream to be re-elected. With all these people questioning whether the
American dream still exists, crushing our dreams would be further evidence of
the decline of America
50.
Look, we approved the Keystone Pipeline – okay, it was
just the part that we don’t actually need to approve while refusing to approve
the part where they need our approval, but that’s just a little technicality
that you should just forget about for now.[29]
[1] And you
know, that guy (George Washington) wasn’t subject to a two-term limit. So technically, barring repeal of the 22nd
Amendment, the country would still be racist even if we were re-elected.
[2] But
remember, no more than two per person, or Michelle will frown at you.
[3]
Actually, we hear hope floats.
[4] We’ll
have him follow you in real life, because having him follow you on Twitter is
pretty creepy.
[5] We think
he’s Canadian, but we have ways of fixing birth certificates.
[6] We had
to change it because Bill Ayres kept hacking it.
[7] You
think he would have promised to stop making them if we hadn’t given him a
stimulus loan? Hmmm?
[8] If he
starts talking about rabbits, RUN.
[9] Law
students are having a tough enough time with crushing debt and a bad job
market. We don’t need to be increasing
their challenges.
[10] We know
it didn’t work for Christine O’Donnell, but we’re desperate here.
[11] We’re
kind of strapped on things we want to take credit for, so let us have that one,
okay? And ignore that little NHL lockout. It's not like anyone watches hockey.
[12]
Actually, we think Bush snuck into the White House and usurped power for a
couple hours in 2010 and 2011, so all the crap legislation the last couple
years is also all his fault.
[13] And
it’s not true that Axelrod and Jarrett are rigging the competition so they
win. They’re rigging the competition so
some dead person wins, so Timberlake and Kunis don’t have to pay off the
debt. After all, this administration
does not believe in paying off debts, ever.
[14]
Particularly about the maniacal laugh thing.
Man, is that creepy.
[15] Although
Mitt Romney probably does a mean robot imitation.
[16] Not to
mention those dietary supplements advertised by Smiling Bob.
[17] No, we
didn’t do this already. Last time, we
gave multiple speeches.
[18] No, we
don’t know him. He just lives in our
neighborhood, occasionally drove the girls to school, has yet to return
Barack’s band saw, and is the executor to the family’s will. Other than that, the Obamas barely know him
at all.
[19]
Especially when we’re making up the unemployment numbers and the press isn’t
reporting anything bad. Woo-hoo!
[20] And if
Biden is involved in driving the car, you’re starting out with the presumption
that he’s holding the map upside down, or doesn’t understand the GPS. Seriously, Joe thinks the woman on the GPS is
talking to him, and starts talking back about whatever is on his mind… which
tends to be even more boring than you think it would be, if that’s
possible. If someone can help with that,
we’d really appreciate it.
[21] And
trust me, the kids will go. Assuming the
Obamacare mandate is upheld, we can force parents to buy tickets!
[22] For the
record, we have never made any actual promise regarding marijuana legalization,
but we will stick to the promise, whatever it is and whenever we make it. Like we said, have a brownie.
[23] Just
keep this promise quiet. We don’t want
anyone outside the U.S.
[24] Please
note, we would never never never never never never never never never never cut
any of those entitlements.
[25] We’re
not throwing either one under the bus, we swear. It’s not our fault they lack any charisma
whatsoever.
[26]
Probably yes, but we mean intentionally by telling a joke.
[27] And
even worse, the GOP wouldn’t even allow
the EPA to enforce rules on the source of the wood being used for the
clubs. Savages.
[28] Keep in
mind, that’s not a pleasant experience.
Joe’s still learning that flatulence jokes at the dinner table aren’t
that funny.
[29] For the
record, people are way too obsessed with these types of technicalities, like
the existence of the Second Amendment and that pesky Constitution overall.
Labels: 2012 election, barack obama, reasons to re-elect BO
posted by Raje at 2:00 AM
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