Friday, November 02, 2012

Reasons To Re-Elect Barack Obama

I'll be publishing this blog's long-awaited endorsement at some point, but I figured I should publish this work product, which was intended to be an eventual e-book, but I ran out of time.  I'll probably have a few more before next Tuesday, but the first 50 should get you off to a decent start.

1.               We swear, by 2014, we’ll definitely know how to fake the unemployment rate correctly.[1]

2.                Hey, it takes at least eight years to wreck an economy.

3.               If we lose, Joe Biden will have to go out and get a real job.  Or worse yet, we’ll send him to a nursing home.  You don’t want to send Joe to a nursing home, do you?  Have a heart![2]

4.               Give us four more years, and we swear that our position on gay marriage will evolve to where we can actually say the words together in a sentence.

5.               C’mon, don’t you like having a President that Hollywood likes hanging out with?

6.               We promise, if you re-elect us, Michael Moore promises not to make any more crappy movies.[3]

7.               We’ll pass BidenCare, which is 50% more likely to be constitutional!

8.               Michelle is finally proud of her country.  You don’t want to make her ashamed again, do you?

9.              We’ve taken a lot of Chicago’s corrupt politicos to Washington, D.C., thereby cleaning up some of the corruption in Chicago![4]

10.            Presidential second terms are usually crappy, but our first term was really gawd-awful.  Don’t you want to see how much we can lower the bar with four more years?

11.            We’ve only appointed two Supreme Court justices – with another term, we can get a justice who’ll restrict that stupid Second Amendment.

      12.            You’re not a racist if you don’t vote for us.  But we can still call you one.

13.            Our new jobs program: a Reality TV program where people compete to be the guy who carries around the President’s teleprompter![5]

14.            We didn’t plan on having to issue that pardon for Eric Holder until January 2017 – please don’t make us do the paperwork now.

15.           This time, we’ll have ATF illegally smuggle guns into Canada, too!

16.            If you don’t re-elect us, the two most powerful Democrats in Washington, D.C. will be Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.  Nobody wants those two in positions of power, right?

17.            We will finally admit that it really was Barack in the “Whoomp!  There It Is!” video.[6]

18.            If you don’t re-elect us, how long do you think it is before Barack shows on “Dancing With The Stars?”  Seriously, you do realize that watching Barack being judged by Bruno Tonoili will weaken America’s standing even if he’s out of office.[7]

19.           We’re way, way, way, way better than Jimmy Carter and James Buchanan.[8]

20.            Ron Reagan, Jr. endorses us, and he shares the same name as Ronald Reagan![9]

21.            In an era of high unemployment, it would be awful to have two more people lose their jobs.

22.           We know we wasted money on Solyndra, but if you vote for us, we’ll only invest in IPOs where we get tips from Nancy Pelosi.

23.            If you think about it, the last few years are just like the scenes in a classic 80’s movie, where the protagonists are struggling against the man, and you doubt they’re going to turn it around… and then here comes the montage!  Don’t you want to see what happens when the montage starts?  We could set the entire second term to “Let’s Hear It For The Boy!”[10]

24.            Okay, we’ll delegate everything to Hillary this time.

25.            Dude, we can get you tickets to Springsteen’s next tour.

26.            C’mon, we’re liberal Democrats.  You couldn’t have expected us to know anything about the economy.[11]

27.            Look, it’s Sarah Palin!  She’s evil, dontchaknow?

28.            To quote Otter from Animal House, “You fucked up.  You trusted us.”  But that movie ended pretty well, so why not just re-elect us?

29.            By re-electing us, you’ll assure that Barack Obama can never be elected President ever again, thanks to the 22nd Amendment.  You don’t want to let him get elected again, do you?[12]

30.            The Obamas don’t even have a house in Chicago anymore[13] – do you want to leave a family homeless?

31.            With four more years, we should be able to convince Jeremiah Wright that the CIA did not invent the AIDS virus.  Or at least persuade him to stop talking about it.

32.            If you re-elect us, Michelle promises that all of you can have a cheeseburger and milkshake to celebrate.[14]

33.            If Barack loses the election, he may take up smoking again.  You don’t want to have him set a bad example for America by doing that, do you?

34.           We’ve got a solution to the entitlement problem – and we’ll unveil it just as soon as we’re re-elected.[15]  We swear.

35.            As soon as we’re re-elected, we’re sending Joe and Jill to Vegas – Joe’s card-counting abilities will solve the debt problem in one weekend.[16]

36.            Like we keep saying, change is hard – so why make a change at the top of government?  Let’s choose the easy way!

37.            As we have told you, we came to Washington to end the finger-pointing and blame games that voters hate.  But we can’t do it because of those awful, awful Republicans.  It’s all their fault!  Yes, we’re pointing at you, John Boehner![17]

38.            We just got some books out of the library that will help us figure out the economy.  Just give us four more years to read them, and we’ll be all good.[18]

39.            If you don’t re-elect us, it will mean you made a mistake four years ago.  And no one wants to admit to a mistake, right?

40.            Remember, we got bin Laden.  Just imagine what we can do to you if you don’t vote for us.[19]

41.            Michelle has already planned a taxpayer-funded trip to New Zealand and Australia next year.  If you don’t re-elect us, Barack has to tell her they may not be able to go.  Do you really want him to have to do that?  They already promised the kids![20]

42.            If we lose re-election, Barack will probably end up needing to do something to be on TV all the time.  Yup, you guessed it – he’ll have his own show on MSNBC.  Do you really want to make television even worse?

43.            Remember that lady who said that our election was great because she no longer had to worry about anything, because we would pay her mortgage?  Well, we haven’t gotten around to that yet, so we need another term.  You don’t want to let that lady down, do you, America?

44.            That guy on SNL is just starting to get really good with his Obama impersonation – it’ll take at least a year for him to get up to speed on someone new.  We can’t have that sort of comedy deficit.[21]

45.            Did we mention we got bin Laden? Oh, we did?  Just checking.

46.            Iran might get a nuke, or something.  That might happen anyway, but with us in office, no one on the left will complain if we take steps to stop it.[22]

47.           The mainstream media always has to work so hard when Republicans are in office, trying to dig up scandals and report on news rather than having it fed to them.  Do we really want to make their jobs harder for them?

48.            We still need to implement the death panels in Obamacare.   Oops, we didn’t mean to say that.  We meant to say, we still need to implement the death panels in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.[23]

49.            If Joe Biden doesn’t have a job, he’d be free to come harass you.  And trust us – as Barack knows, listening to Joe talk is a pain the ass.

50.            People will stop kissing our asses if we’re not in office anymore, and we’ll need to go into therapy, and that will be on your dime as taxpayers.  You’ll be increasing the deficit by untold millions so some doctor can listen to Joe whine while he lays on a couch.  Talk about government waste.[24]

[1] This time, we won’t count people who live with their parents, anyone who watches daytime TV (since that should be a job), reality TV contestants, and anyone who isn’t actually on a job interview at the time the count is being done.
[2] Especially for the other people in the nursing home – it’s bad enough to live in a home without having to listen to Biden’s stories.
[3] And we can enforce this – we’ve got his donut supply being held up by Michael Bloomberg’s health department.
[4] Please ignore that Rahm Emanual behind the curtain.
[5] Second place gets to explain Turbo Tax to Tim Geithner!
[6] Furthermore, Joe will admit to being Tawny Kitaen’s body double in the Whitesnake video where she dances on the car.
[7] Worse, just imagine him palling around with a Kardashian backstage.
[8] Plus, Joe is way better than Spiro Agnew!
[9] Plus, he was in Soul Man!
[10] John Cusack has tentatively agreed to show up and star in the movie!  And the CIA is looking for Molly Ringwald right now!
[11] Seriously, check the track record.  You would have been better off expecting a lecture from Charlie Sheen on sobriety.
[12] Understand, we’ll work toward repealing that pesky little amendment in the next four years.  Lousy Constitution.
[13] This may or may not be true – we need to check with Tony Rezko.
[14] Just one cheeseburger, mind you, and that milkshake better be small.
[15] Please note that we did not define the word “soon” or state how many times we need to be re-elected.
[16] Okay, Joe doesn’t know how to card count.  But he’s taking lessons.
[17] But we’re not pointing our finger – it’s more of a sharp stick Joe found on the back lawn during the Easter Egg Roll.
[18] Joe is totally psyched to apply the lessons he learned in this German book, Das Kapital.
[19] We’re just kidding.  But hey, for your own safety, please provide your address to the Teamsters.
[20] They’d already planned to snag a diggery-doo as a souvenir!
[21] Worse yet, Horatio Sanz is refusing requests to come back as the emergency plan in case the GOP nominates Chris Christie.
[22] Okay, some people might complain, but the media won’t report it.
[23] You know, that still doesn’t look right.
[24] And under Obamacare, you’d also have to pay for the massage therapy, too.

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