The NFL Update, Week Four

I do these at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the greater public?

Well, at least D.C. got a baseball team last week.

Welcome to Week Four of the NFL recap, also known as the latest Redskins fans group therapy session.

Yes, we know that Joe Gibbs returned in the off-season. Unfortunately, he did not bring the 1992 Redskins with him. That was rather obvious on Sunday, when the Skins dropped their third straight game, this time in Cleveland. Everything seemed to go wrong – even the headsets didn’t work. Coach Joe Gibbs blamed that Internet thing –apparently Dan Rather has some documents that prove it. We considered sending Redskins fans to Oprah for some counseling, but all she keeps promising to do is give them new cars. She recommended some tough criticism, but we’ll opt for snide sarcasm.

Perhaps Skins fans can take some solace from the fact that they’re not rooting for the Dolphins, who dropped to 0-4 Sunday after a 17-9 loss to the unbeaten Jets. The last time the Dolphins were 0-4, Lyndon Johnson was probably still holding up his beagle by its ears. Of course, LBJ and that beagle are long gone – but the Dolphins may be in worse shape. Things must be pretty awful in South Florida, since Tampa Bay is also 0-4 after losing a 16-13 decision to the Broncos. The Bucs, however, have plenty of experience being 0-4; they spent most of the 1980’s and early 1990’s starting the same way.

It was a bad weekend all around for folks in Florida, as the unbeaten Jaguars stumbled at home, dropping a 24-17 decision to Peyton Manning and the Colts. We’re not sure what’s more shocking – the fact that the Colts only scored 24 points, or the fact that they gave up 17. Green Bay is probably wondering why the Colts picked this week to score only 24 points, after ringing up 45 points against the Packers last week. Then again, Brett Favre is probably wondering where he is, since he suffered a concussion in the Pack’s 14-7 loss to the Giants. Favre was so confused he ran back on the field and threw a TD pass… that’s one more TD pass than the Redskins had this week.

The Redskins do own one proud distinction – they’re still the last team to defeat the Patriots over 365 days ago. The Pats tied the record for most consecutive victories at 18 with a 31-17 win over the Bills and ex-Pats QB Drew Bledsoe. Bledsoe must be wondering what he did wrong – Tom Brady is a two-time Super Bowl MVP, while Brady has to live in Buffalo. Cheer up, Drew – at least you’re not John Edwards… or a member of Bengals. Yes, the Bungles are back to their old ways, as indicated by the Steelers 28-17 win in Pittsburgh. Steelers rookie QB Ben Rothlisberger is a graduate of Miami of Ohio, and he’s probably just thrilled to be out of Ohio.

The Raiders are probably wishing they could head to Ohio to feel better after their loss in Houston. The Raiders are now 2-2 and suffering through what folks in New York and Carolina call the "Kerry Collins Experience." This means lots of interceptions, fumbles and several excuses, but at least this time he’ll be dressed in a stylish silver and black. Meanwhile, Aaron Brooks of the Saints is following the Collins example, as the Saints followed up their stirring road win over St. Louis with a deflating loss in Arizona. Yes, to the Cardinals. The Cardinals defrosted Emmitt Smith, who rushed for 127 yards and even threw a TD pass… again, that’s one more TD pass than the Redskins had this week.

To be fair to the Redskins, we should point out that this scribe’s favorite team won by "only" ten points on Sunday, as Donovan McNabb led the Eagles past the Bears 19-9. Perhaps McNabb wanted to take things easy against his hometown team – we hear he will spend his bye week doing charitable work, like assisting me with my wardrobe. Maybe he can assist the 0-4 San Francisco 49ers, by suggesting they try to do something like scoring touchdowns. The Niners fell behind 24-0 before scoring two late TDs. Then again, that’s one more point than the Redskins had on Sunday.

Even Tennessee outscored Joe Gibbs’ warriors on Sunday, and the Titans played with somebody named Billy Volek on Sunday. We’re not sure if Volek is a pseudonym – we thought it might be Danny Wuerffel in disguise, but there was no glove in sight anywhere. However, Volek did follow the proud tradition of Wuerffel by losing 38-17 in San Diego. The Chargers are now 2-2… for those wondering, this means ex-Skins coach Marty Schottenheimer has twice as many wins as Joe Gibbs. Meanwhile, the Falcons now have four wins, which is almost as many as they had last season, following a blowout win in Carolina. The defending NFC champions have my sympathy… not.

Finally, we did take a little pleasure in watching Brian Billick get his butt handed to him on national TV by Dick Vermeil. We’d say more, but we can’t think of another Redskins joke to follow up. Sorry – even we’re starting to feel bad for Coach Gibbs. We'd tell him, but we're not sure his headset is working.