The NFL Recap, Week One

I do these at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the greater public?

The NFL finally returned this week, to the vast relief of those tired of gambling on other sporting events, such as baseball, golf and who will make the dumbest speech at a political convention. Not that we would ever promote gambling, of course. And if you don’t believe us, we have Dan Rather here to vouch for us.

Heck, the NFL was so anxious to return that the Pats and Colts kicked things off early on Thursday in Foxboro. The Pats won their 16th straight game (counting playoffs) by beating the Colts, although it may be more appropriate to note that the Colts again beat themselves, turning the ball over twice inside the five-yard line. On some D.C. area driving range, Steve Spurrier was cheering, since the Ol’ Ball Coach was the last man to defeat the Patriots.

The NFL returned a day early to Miami as well, as the Dolphins and Titans squared off on Saturday to avoid Hurricane Ivan, a game that was not telecast nationally until Sunday. Dolphins fans probably wish the game had not been telecast locally, as the Dolphins fell to Tennessee 17-7. On the plus side, Ricky Williams was hired as a delivery boy by Pizza Hut, which solves both his employment problem and what to do when he gets the munchies.

In Washington, the return of the NFL season meant the return of Joe Gibbs, Lord and Savior of D.C. sports. We hear the Wizards want to hire Gibbs as well – who cares if he doesn’t know anything about basketball? None of the Wizards executives know anything about basketball, either. Gibbs’ return was a happy one, as the denizens of Fed Ex Field departed happy following the home team’s 16-10 win. It’s probably considered poor taste to point out the fact that the Redskins opened each of the last two seasons with victories as well. So, of course, I can’t refrain from doing just that.

Meanwhile, other teams celebrated the opening of the season in unusual ways. For example, Detroit celebrated its first road win in over two seasons by knocking off Chicago 20-16. In an even more shocking development, San Diego opened the season by winning, period, knocking off Houston 27-20, which ended Houston’s franchise perfect record of 2-0 on opening day. San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer celebrated the opening day win by hiring seven more members of his family. We also saw perhaps the most unusual stat line in history in Pittsburgh, where Jerome Bettis rushed five times for one yard… and three touchdowns in a 24-21 win over the Raiders. Bettis averaged less than a foot a carry, yet scored more fantasy points than players like Clinton Portis and Brian Westbrook. This makes about as much sense as Dan Rather's defense.

Speaking of Westbrook, he was part of a dominant offensive performance in Philadelphia, where the Eagles stomped on the Giants 31-17. We’re not sure who had the worst weekend, but it’s down to Dan Rather’s handwriting expert or the Giants defense, which allowed Terrell Owens to score three TDs and strike several unique poses in the end zone. Owens wasn’t the only one putting on a signature performance – Jacksonville rookie Ernest Wilfork made a sensational catch in the back of the end zone on the final play of the game to defeat the Bills 13-10, on a play that was reviewed for so long winter officially started in Buffalo. 60 Minutes also reviewed the play, and discovered that Gerald Ford never really played at Michigan.

At least the Jets salvaged some honor for New York and New Jersey sports teams by outscoring Cincinnati 31-24, as seventy-year Curtis Martin led the attack by rushing for 196 yards. Unlike previous seasons, beating Cincinnati now qualifies as an impressive victory. Ohio did get one victory, as the Browns stunned Baltimore 20-3; good thing the Ravens employ offensive genius Brian Billick, or they might never have gotten that field goal.

Another offensive genius, Rams coach Mike Martz, saw his team stumble past Arizona 17-10; Martz’s offense may not be as impressive as the one employed by St. Louis’ baseball team. In the same game, graybeard Emmitt Smith put down the Geritol bottle long enough to score his 156th career rushing touchdown for the Cardinals. Meanwhile, his former team, the Dallas Cowboys (a.k.a. the epitome of sports evil), lost to Minnesota as Dante Culpepper hooked up with Randy Moss twice on the way to five TD passes. Moss now has ten TD catches in five games against Dallas, all victories – in our eyes, this clearly qualifies Moss as an American hero.

Meanwhile, KC started out this season the same way it ended last season – giving up a ton of points, this time to Denver, as the Broncos romped 34-24. Kansas City coach Dick Vermeil cried in the post-game press conference, but he explained that he was crying because he had to go back to Kansas City. The Chiefs at least lost on the road – New Orleans fell at home, dropping one to Seattle, 21-7. Then again, they get to live in New Orleans, at least until it washes away with Ivan this week.

Two other games took placed this week, but we’re too lazy to report on them. Actually, we’re not sure anyone watched Atlanta hold off San Francisco 21-19; in fact, we hear Dan Rather was hiding in the stands at 3Com Park. As for the Monday Night game, we take little pleasure in watching Carolina lose again, 24-14 to Brett Favre and Green Bay. Actually, we take a lot of pleasure in watching Carolina lose. Were the Panthers to go 0-16, we think the world would be a better place. No, I’m not a bitter Eagles fan – not at all.

Stay tuned for Week 2 -- when we do the games in haiku!