Today's Meaningless Rant

by the world's least dangerous man

Yesterday sucked. It sucks to be a Philly sports fan, so much so that I think doctors should prescribe Prozac to every newborn who is born in the tri-state area.

I'm going to avoid commenting on the Eagles-Bucs game, because the whole thing continues to make me nauseous. But it didn't help my sense of humor any to see Richard freaking Gere win a Golden Globe last night.

I have a rule regarding Richard Gere movies: I don't watch them. Ever. If they pop up on TV, I change the channel. My version of hell would be movies starring Richard Gere with a soundtrack filled with songs by Barbra Streisand. My poor significant other (some would argue that the same adjective should attach itself to her simply because she's dating me) enjoys many of Gere's movies; like all women, she loves Pretty Woman, a movie that I've somehow avoided despite its repeated appearances on TBS and TNT between episodes of Saved by the Bell. As an aside, I've never figured out why women seem to enjoy a movie where a guy dates a prostitute. Supposedly women swoon at the way Roberts is treated, but it strikes me as ridiculous that we glorify a movie where a guy sweeps a hooker off her feet rather than making a movie where a husband suddenly starts doing the same to his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend (for the alternative-lifestyle members of the audience). Last I checked, no one's complaining that there's a shortage of guys who pay good money to prostitutes for their services; there aren't nearly enough who treat their wives to romantic surprises.

But maybe I'm missing something because I haven't seen the movie, so I'll yield the argument. I guess I could watch the movie, but I'm not a masochist. With one exception, I haven't seen a Gere movie since I watched An Officer and a Gentleman, mostly by mistake when I was in high school. The only things I really enjoyed about the movie were Lou Gossett's hat and Gere's character's name, Zack Mayo. Trying to watch someone with the name "Zack Mayo" act tough, especially when it's Richard Gere, provides some serious unintended comic relief. But the movie itself pretty much sucked. I lifted the boycott to catch Primal Fear in 1996, which featured Ed Norton's coming-out performance, but never really had the desire to see any other Gere flick. From what I've gathered, I've missed nothing; Gere's most memorable on-screen moment in the last ten years was when he tried to send telepathic waves to Deng Xiopeng at the 1993 Oscars. I don't know what annoys me about Gere more: the fact that he looks like the rich pretty boy who got all the girls in high school, or that he has the same acting talent as my sister's goldfish (which died approximately 15 years ago). That's probably not a fair statement to make, since I've only seen two of his movies, but I'm sticking to my boycott.

But now, Gere won a Golden Globe for his performance in Chicago, which makes him an odds-on favorite to win an Oscar as well. Barring the possibility that he attempts a seance with the spirirt of Mao Tse-Tung as an acceptance speech (admit it, it would be entertaining waiting for the security guards to drag him off-stage), I'm stuck with the horrifying prospect of Gere winning an Oscar. This would presumably place him in movies I may want to watch someday. After all, there's nothing like having "Oscar winner" on your resume, unless you're Marisa Tomei and everyone knows it was a mistake.

And here's the worst part: Gere is a native of Philadelphia! So instead of God giving us a victory in football on Sunday, he hands a Golden Globe to Richard Gere, as he stars in a movie with another city's name for a title. Personally, I think someone's playing a sick cosmic joke on us. Then again, we could be from Cleveland.

God, it sucks to be a Philadelphia sports fan.