Not To Get Off On A Rant Here...

All right, I've had it.

It was this little innocent story that drove me to write this rant, and it's not going to be nice. But first, the story...

After spending 10 days in London with friends who were outspoken about their disdain for President Bush's policies, Berns Rothchild came home wishing she had a way to show the world she didn't vote for him.

"I sort of felt ashamed, and didn't really want to be associated with being an American," said Rothchild, who lives in New York City and voted for John Kerry.

Her mother had a suggestion: bracelets, inspired by the Lance Armstrong Foundation's popular "LIVESTRONG" bands, that would signal opposition to Bush.

Thousands of miles away, two women in Idaho had the same idea. So did a woman in Kansas. The result? At least three separate bracelet ventures targeting left-leaning citizens who want to wear their political affiliation on their wrists — and at least one competitor bearing the opposite message.

Rothchild, 35, is selling blue bracelets that say "COUNT ME BLUE," while Laura Adams, of Fairway, Kan., offers blue bracelets that say "HOPE." The McKnight family, of Moscow, Idaho, is even more direct; their black bracelets proclaim: "I DID NOT VOTE 4 BUSH."

"It's kind of like saying, 'This is my tribe,'" said Adams, 43, a Kerry supporter, who was inspired by her 14-year-old stepson's yellow Lance Armstrong band.

It's unlikely the wristbands will ever have the widespread appeal of the bands created by the Lance Armstrong Foundation, which have sold about 31 million so far to raise money for cancer research. Brenda McKnight, 40, said her family has sold roughly 4,000, and Adams said she has sold about 3,300. Rothchild has sold about 500 since her Web site launched Monday.

But all three ventures also have the aim of raising money for a variety of organizations.

Rothchild, who is selling the bracelets on the Web in packages of 10 for $20, plans to give part of her profits to UNICEF (news - web sites), and Adams has donated money from the sale of her $3 bracelets to Save the Children and Habitat for Humanity.

The McKnights are auctioning their bracelets on eBay and selling them for $3 each on their Web site, where buyers can vote for one of six organizations that will receive a portion of the proceeds.

So far only McKnight said she has received e-mails criticizing the bracelets as unpatriotic. But Rothchild said her venture has spawned a counter-protest — from her Republican father.

The end of the article details an effort by this woman's father to sell red armbands, but it's irrelevant. The line that drove me nuts was the bold italicized one in the second paragraph. Maybe it's just because of who I am, but reading that line made me want to slap this woman's face off my computer screen. She's not some idiot college kid with long hair who hasn't showered in three weeks. She's 35 years old, for crying out loud.

My parents came to this country as immigrants. My dad and mom came here and worked like crazy to build a better life for their family. But they also knew that there was no other place on our planet that affords such an opportunity to immigrants and citizens alike -- work hard, perhaps catch a few breaks, and you can build a great life. My parents did, which is the major reason why my life is damn good (and why my sister and brother also have terrific lives).

Sometime in the 1980's, my dad became an American citizen, and soon thereafter, my mom followed suit. This wasn't an easy decision for them, practically or personally -- you can't maintain dual citizenship with India, and giving up their Indian citizenship meant that it would be more difficult to travel back and forth to visit the bulk of our extended family (that's one reason my mom waited a few additional years) . Personally, that's also a difficult choice -- I don't know this myself, but I don't think that you don't give up that part of your identity without at least some regret. But my parents chose to do it, in part because they lived here and wanted to stay, and in part because this country had done so much for them.

For the past two months, I've had to listen to liberals walk around bemoaning the election. That's fine -- I did plenty of bellyaching in 1992 and 1996, and later expressed tons of outrage at my fellow countrymen for their failure to be outraged over Clinton's dalliance over Lewinsky. I even, on occasion, have expressed disappointment in my countrymen, my government and my country as a whole.

That doesn't mean I'd ever give up my birthright as an American. And if you're willing to feel that way over an election result, then maybe you should seriously consider leaving for Canada, or some other place.

No, this is not an "America -- Love It or Leave It" declaration. It's perfectly okay to be critical of our country and her citizens, and in fact, it's healthy. It's even all right to be ashamed of things our country does. I'd argue that you owe it to your country to criticize it when it does wrong. That's how this country becomes a better place. And while it's cliche to say it, plenty of people gave up their comfort, their fortunes and even their lives to make certain that you had the right to be an American -- and you owe it to them to strive to make this country a better place, and that includes dissent when your country does something wrong.

But that doesn't include threatening to leave your country for Canada, as so many Democrats in blue states did after the election. And it doesn't include not wanting to "be associated with being an American."

Look, our country didn't commit the Holocaust. We didn't commit genocide in Bosnia or Rwanda. And unlike Canada, we're not responsible for Brian Adams or Celine Dion.

What did we do that these people find so outrageous? We returned George W. Bush to office as President. Man, somebody should tell the German people they're off the hook for the rise of Hitler.

Our country has committed its share of sins. The greatest was allowing the enslavement of African-Americans for nearly a century of the nation's existence. Re-electing George W. Bush pales in comparison to that, and to any number of things.

But the real point is this -- you can disagree with the re-election of the President and be upset about it. You can even be ashamed of your countrymen for committing this nefarious act-- although you probably should get a life if you really feel shame about it (then again, I will spend three plus hours tomorrow wearing the jersey of my favorite pro football team in a ritual expression of good luck, so I'm not the best person to tell people to get a life).

But don't tell me you want to give up on your country and move somewhere else, or that you don't want to be associated with America. To me, this is the real difference between conservatives and liberals. I have, on occasion, joked with my friends about the nightmare of a Hillary Clinton Presidency (just typing those words gives me chills). But jokes are one thing -- actively contemplating a departure would be beyond the realm of anything I'd ever consider. And while there idiot conservatives who might say that they want to leave if Hillary is ever elected, I'm betting they don't approach the numbers we see on the left of people who want to depart now.

To me, and to most conservatives, this is the greatest country in the world, warts and all, Hillary Clinton as President or not. To liberals, other places are better, especially if we have someone like George W. Bush in office. And even if they're not leaving, they don't want to be associated with America, because it's such a shameful, horrible thing.

Get some perspective, morons. People don't fight to come to this country to learn and to build lives simply because their nation elected someone they regard as a doofus. They come here because it's the best place in the world, and they recognize it. And if you can't figure that out, then I highly recommend a self-imposed exile to the country of your choice. Maybe you'll be happier there, and if so, we're all better off.

You want to express shame, fine. You want to be angry with your country, fine. You want to believe that your government consists of a combination of bumbling idiots and sinister religious zealots, go for it. You want to sell silly armbands, go ahead (The bracelets aren't unpatriotic, they're stupid. And I don't care if the money goes to charity or not, it's ridiculous to compare these bracelets to the Lance Armstrong ones -- and that includes the red ones.). Just quit pretending that you'd rather be from someplace else, or that there's some place you'd rather be. If you really believe that, then get lost. There's plenty of people out there literally dying to enter America and become American citizens. I'll take one of them in exchange for ten of you.

It's a shame that many people who have the birthright to be an American don't treasure it nearly enough. And while that's human nature, it doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and silently listen to them complain. Try and appreciate what you have, and grow up a little bit while you're at it. And while our great country gives you the right to mouth off like an idiot, you may want to re-consider actually acting like one.

Rant over.

Maybe He Also Offered Some Hair Care Tips

And in the realm of stories that shock no one...

Sen. John Kerry, who has relatives in France and speaks French, was traveling Friday to the country that was treated like a liability during his bid for the U.S. presidency.

But this was not a social call for the Massachusetts Democrat. He was meeting with President Jacques Chirac to discuss the Middle East and, later, holding talks with Foreign Minister Michel Barnier.

No comment.

Heading Back to School

The Lord of Truth forwards us a terrific piece by Brian Anderson in today's Opinion Journal, regarding the suddenly conservative bent of American youth. It's not as if I find this surprising, but the article actually confirmed a few of my beliefs. First, an excerpt...

The bustle reflects a general rightward shift in college students' views. Back in 1995, reports UCLA's Higher Education Research Institute, 66% of freshmen wanted the wealthy to pay higher taxes. Today, only 50% do. Some 17% of students now value taking part in environmental programs, half of 1992's percentage. Support for abortion stood at two-thirds of students in the early 1990s; now it's just over half. A late-2003 Harvard Institute of Politics study found that college students had moved to the right of the overall population, with 31% identifying themselves as Republicans, 27% as Democrats and the rest independent or unaffiliated. "College campuses aren't a hotbed of liberalism any more," institute director Dan Glickman comments. "It's a different world."

Youthful attitudes are volatile, of course, but this rightward trend may intensify. In a mock election run by Channel One, which broadcasts in public schools, 1.4 million high school students re-elected George W. Bush in a landslide, with 55% of the popular vote and 393 electoral votes--greater than the 51% of the popular vote and 286 electoral votes he actually won.

Today's right-leaning kids sure don't look much like the Bill Buckley-style young Republicans of yesteryear. "Conservative students today will be wearing the same T-shirts, sneakers and jeans that you find on most 19-year-old college kids," says Sarah Longwell of the Delaware-based Intercollegiate Studies Institute, which promotes the Western intellectual tradition on campuses. Jordana Starr, a right-of-center political science and philosophy major at Tufts, tartly adds that you can spot a student leftist pretty fast: "They're the ones who appear not to have seen a shower in some time, nor a laundromat."

The new-millennium campus conservative is comfortably at home in popular culture, as I've found interviewing 50 or so from across the country. A favorite TV show, for instance, is Comedy Central's breathtakingly vulgar cartoon "South Park." "Not only is it hilariously uncouth, but it also criticizes the hypocrisy of liberals," explains Washington University economics major Matt Arnold. "The funniest part is that most liberals watch the show but are so stupid that they're unaware they're being made fun of," he adds, uncharitably. The young conservatives, again like typical college kids, also play their iPods night and day, listening less to Bach and Beethoven than to alt-rock, country-and-western and hip-hop.

Yet the opinions of these kids are about as far from the New York Times as one gets. Affirmative action particularly exasperates them. Chris Pizzo, a political science major who edits Boston College's conservative paper, the Observer, points to wealthy Cuban-American friends from his native Florida, "raised with at least the same advantages and in the same environment that I was," yet far likelier to get into the top schools. Where's the justice in that?"

Worse still, many students argue, preferences carry the racist implication that blacks and Hispanics can't compete on pure merit--an implication that holds minorities back. "Affirmative action has a detrimental effect on the black community, whether or not we're willing to admit it," says Jana Hardy, a biracial recent Claremont McKenna grad now working in urban planning.

The war on terror, including in Iraq, drew strong support from most of the students. Typical was Cornell classics major Sharon Ruth Stewart, mildly libertarian--except when it comes to fighting terror. "We have to use any and all means to defend ourselves from the terrorists, who hate the American way of life even more than the French and Germans do," she says. "That means bunker-busters, covert ops--whatever ensures America is safe." University of Maryland junior Nathan Kennedy is just as tough-minded. "I am full-fledged on board with the Iraq war," he says. "We've brought the fight to the terrorists' door, dealing with the radical fundamentalist Arabs who want us all dead."

As Anderson points out, the students aren't necessarily on board with every traditional value associated with conservatives. For example, most are far more open to gay marriage than even most elected Democrats. But their conservatism is heartening for any number of reasons, especially in the face of the rampant liberal dogma that dominates most colleges.

I think several factors are at work here. As Anderson noted, these kids grew up in an era when conservatives came to power -- any kid in college today was born when Reagan was President. In addition, the only Democratic President in their lifetime failed to rally people to the banner of liberalism -- Clinton basically rallied people to support him, but not his party at large, nor the liberal base that makes up the core of that party (as evidenced by the GOP's takeover of the Senate in 1994). In addition, these kids grew up in an age when conservative ideal triumphed. Communism died and free enterprise flourished -- most of these kids see the Berlin Wall as something that was in the history books, or at worst something they watched fall on TV. The Soviet Union is an historical anachonism, confined to movies like The Hunt for Red October. Man, I'm feeling old just writing this.

All of these kids are comfortable with reaching out and using technology to find information, which makes them more likely to question ideas that are presented to them. That's fundamentally a good thing, and a real problem for academia, the last bastion of tired liberal thought next to journalism. Liberalism has been a mess for years, but its inability to articulate a vision for the last thirty-plus years has finally caught up with them at the national level, and it's slowly filtering down to the grassroots. Ironically, liberals have become the party of the status quo, trying to preserve things like affirmative action, or trying to hold back market-based reforms like school choice, or hold sacred government programs like Social Security, or keep abortion on demand available.

Eventually, this lack of vision was going to catch up with liberals. And it looks like it's happening on all fronts, even the cherished world of academia.

Don't Let Him Take the Wheel, Either

Ted Kennedy's speech at the National Press Club was more of the usual from the so-called liberal lion (pronounce that last word as you see fit), but it did include a refernce to the brightest young Democratic Senate star. Unfortuantely, the Senator had a slight problem with his new colleague's name...

Kennedy also mangled the name of the Democrats' new star, Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, calling him "Osama bin … Osama … Obama."

You know, he never would have gotten elected with that name. Well, maybe in Massachusetts.

What Annoying Song is Stuck in My Head Today?

If I need to suffer with a song stuck in my head, why shouldn't you have to do the same? Sometimes they're good, most times they're bad... but no matter what, they make you suffer. So I like to share the suffering whenever it happens.

Strangely, I've heard this song twice in the past 10 days, which is more than I've heard it in ten years. First in Belize, then last night in the gym. And it's still so obscure that I had to look up who sang it -- and as most of you know, that's strange for a pop culture maven like myself. Perhaps all of you should test yourself. Read the words, then clieck the link to see if you know who sang it.

It's Toy Soldiers...

Step by step,
heart to heart,
left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
It wasn't my intention to mislead you
It never should have been this way
What can I say
It's true I did extend the invitation
I never knew how long you'd stay
When you hear temptation call
It's your heart that takes, takes a fall
Won't you come out and play with me
Step by step,
heart to heart,
left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages
on for toy soldiers
It's getting hard to wake up in the morning
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be
How could I be
so blind to this addiction
If I don't stop the next one's gonna be me
Only emptiness remains
It replaces all,
all the pain
Won't you come out and play with me
Step by step,
heart to heart,
left right left

You're welcome.

Only in the Ivy League

A unique idea emerges at Harvard...

Following complaints that it does little to promote campus social life, the Ivy League school has hired its first "fun czar" -- Zac Corker, a recent Harvard graduate whose job is to build community spirit and help stressed-out students unwind.

Corker knows a few things about kicking back. As an undergraduate, he helped organize numerous social events and put together a Web site -- www.hahvahdparties.com -- aimed at protecting students' "right to party."

Described by the student government chief as "a creative schemer," Corker has gone from student to administrator in a few short months. In exchange for room, board and a modest stipend, he now serves as the go-to guy for students who have ideas about social events but don't have the time or knowledge to navigate the school bureaucracy and bring them to fruition.

One week might see Corker putting the final touches on a speed-dating event; the next, he'll be working with students to organize a dodgeball tournament.

Corker's tenure will be short-lived: The 23-year-old has another job lined up with the Peace Corps later this year. Harvard plans to replace him, and Corker suggests it hire another recent graduate like himself.

...The idea of a fun bureaucracy -- the official Harvard newspaper dubbed Corker the "fun czar" -- may seem like an oxymoron, but apparently at Harvard it is badly needed.

Somewhere out there, Yale students are making jokes about this. And for once, they're right.

And In Other News, The Sun Set in the West

James Maule notes the stunning news... THE TAX CODE IS TOO COMPLEX! Stop the presses...

In her just-released Annual Report, the National Taxpayer Advocate of the IRS has concluded that "The most serious problem facing taxpayers and the IRS alike is the complexity of the Internal Revenue Code."

No. What a shock. What a surprise.

Congress itself, in section 7803(c)(2)(B)(ii)(IX) of the Internal Revenue Code, requires the National Taxpayer Advocate, in its required annual report to the Congress, to "identify areas of the tax law that impose significant compliance burdens on taxpayers or the Internal Revenue Service, including specific recommendations for remedying these problems."Nina Olson, the National Taxpayer Advocate, explains that:

Focusing on the tax system as a whole, this is an easy mandate to
fulfill: Without a doubt, the largest source of compliance burdens for
taxpayers and the IRS alike is the overwhelming complexity of the tax code, and without a doubt, the only meaningful way to reduce these compliance burdens is to simplify the tax code enormously. In the balance of this part of the report, we identify and discuss 20 additional serious problems encountered by taxpayers, as required by IRC §7803(c)(2)(B)(ii)(III). Most serve as case studies that illustrate the consequences of tax law complexity.

To do this, she has issued a 630-page report.

630 pages. She definitely knows how to get in the spirit.

And Now For Something Completely Different

For those of you wondering what I look like... well, let's just say my face is less distinct than the others.

The scary part is trying to figure out how that particular group of people ended up together at Pat's that night. And somewhere out, the Minister of War is making jokes about long faces.

What Do You Call 1,000 Lawyers at the Bottom of the Ocean?

Okay, more reasons for people to hate my profession...

The line leading into First District Court in Hempstead Monday morning was long and frustrating, but it was the punch line in a lawyer joke that got two rabble-rousing comedians arrested.

"How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?" Harvey Kash, 69, of Bethpage, said to Carl Lanzisera, 65, of Huntington, as the queue wound into the court. "His lips are moving," they said in unison, completing one of what may be thousands of standard lawyer jokes.

But while that rib and several others on barristers got some giggles from the crowd, the attorney standing in line about five people ahead wasn't laughing.

"'Shut up,' the man shouted," Lanzisera said. "'I'm a lawyer.'" The attorney reported Kash and Lanzisera to court personnel, who arrested the men and charged them with engaging in disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

You know, the appropriate response to the lawyer's statement would have been to ask him how it felt to screw widows and orphans out of money every day, or politely inquire if his family still spoke to him.

More Shenanigans in Washington... State

I didn't post it yesterday, but the Lord of Truth sent along John Fund's solid recap of the continuing mess in the Washington governor's race. I've said all along that the election proved Hugh Hewitt right, and Fund gives some more details...

In Washington state, the errors by election officials have been compared to the antics of Inspector Clouseau, only clumsier. At least 1,200 more votes were counted in Seattle's King County than the number of individual voters who can be accounted for. Other counties saw similar, albeit smaller, excess vote totals. More than 300 military personnel who were sent their absentee ballots too late to return them have signed affidavits saying they intended to vote for Mr. Rossi. Some 1 out of 20 ballots in King County that officials felt were marked unclearly were "enhanced" with Wite-Out or pens so that some had their original markings obliterated.
Most disturbing is the revelation last week by King County officials that at least 348 unverified provisional ballots were fed directly into vote-counting machines. "Did it happen? Yes. Unfortunately, that's part of the process in King County," elections superintendent Bill Huennekens told the Seattle Times. "It's a very human process, and in some cases that did happen."

King County elections director Dean Logan, Mr. Huennekens' boss, also concedes the discrepancy between the number of ballots cast and the list of people who are recorded as voting. Even though the gap is 1,200 votes, he says, "that does not clearly indicate that the election would have turned out differently." Are voters supposed to trust an election merely because it can't "clearly" be shown to be hopelessly tainted? Mr. Logan is certainly singing a different tune now than he was on Nov. 18, when he responded to charges of voting irregularities in an e-mail to colleagues, which read in part: "Unfortunately, I have come to expect this kind of unsubstantiated crap. It's all too convenient, if not now fashionable, to stoop to this level when there is a close race."

Slade Gorton, a Republican former state attorney general and U.S. senator who is advising Mr. Rossi, says a court should order a revote rather than declare valid one of the two earlier vote counts that Mr. Rossi won. "No one can govern effectively under the cloud this race has created," Mr. Gorton says. He notes that state law doesn't require any showing of fraud to contest an election. "That is irrelevant to whether the election should be done over," he says. "The law is quite clear in giving a court the right to void any election where the number of illegal or mistaken votes exceeds the margin of victory, and it has done so in the past."

Gorton's point is a salient one, but I doubt a court opts to order a new election. It's such a drastic remedy that I can't see it being employed. But a new election probably should take place. In place of that, the King County elections officials should be exiled to some terrible place, like Canada.

Meanwhile, Sound Politics, a great blog that's been keeping track of the entire mess, has this post, linking to a press release by AFT Washington, the state teacher's union. Here's part of the text from the press release, and note the italicized word...

As you know, Christine Gregoire's gubanatorial election has already been certified by the Secretary of State. Tomorrow, the state legislature will also certify the election as fair and complete.

Then again, maybe it's not a spelling error. Maybe the Washington teachers are just teaching alternative spellings to their students to make things easier. Next up -- alternative math, to explain why the voting in King County was perfectly legit.

Whew!

I guess they don't have to call off the inauguration...

Three dozen voters challenging the presidential election results in the Ohio Supreme Court asked to drop their lawsuit Tuesday, saying it is moot with last week's certification of the electoral vote and the upcoming inauguration.

...Chief Justice Thomas Moyer of the state Supreme Court must still rule on the motion to dismiss the case, and is expected to go along with the request

In a ruling last month declining a request that he remove himself from the case, Moyer, a Republican, called voters' evidence "woefully inadequate."

Without giving specifics, attorney Cliff Arnebeck said challenges of the results would continue in state or federal courts. But he conceded that there was nothing available now to try to prevent Bush's inauguration.

"We are not quitting. We are going on to any other forum that's available and we intend to pursue those avenues aggressively," Arnebeck said.

Just a suggestion, but making a movie with Michael Moore probably won't do the trick.

What Annoying Song is Stuck in My Head Today?

If I need to suffer with a song stuck in my head, why shouldn't you have to do the same? Sometimes they're good, most times they're bad... but no matter what, they make you suffer. So I like to share the suffering whenever it happens.

Okay, I was in Belize last week, taking that long-awaited vacation (more on that when I actually have time to write it up). Somehow, Alli and I found ourselves on Caye Caulker for lunch after doing some snorkeling and sailing on a catamaran (and contrary to my general custom, I never once puked while riding on the catamaran). And as we had lunch with a nice couple from Chicago who'd been snorkeling with us, I noticed that our lunch spot was playing American music. Bad American music.

As a side point, last week my good friend Johnny Goblin expressed some contempt for Ashlee Simpson's idiotic wailing, and bemoaned the fact that music like this is being foisted upon the public by MBAs at big corporations and is the result of media consolidation. This triggered a nice response from the Lord of Truth, who noted the amazing level of crappy music that existed in the past, and also noted that there's a market for crap out there, and there always has been. I agree with both of them on most of these points.

Do I have a point? Yes. While they were having this debate via e-mail, I was sitting in that restaurant, being subjected to some of the most mindless crap ever produced... New Kids on the Block. We had to leave before the song finished, which meant it was stuck in my head for the whole damn boat ride back to Ambergris. So now it's your turn.

Here you go...Hanging Tough...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
(rap:) just get on the floor and do the new kids’ dance.
Don’t worry ’bout nothing ’cause it won’t take long.
(rap:) we’re gonna put you in a trance with a funky song, ’cause you gotta be
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) we’re rough.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top.
(rap:) don’t cross our path ’cause you’re gonna get stomped.
We ain’t gonna give anybody any slack.
(rap:) and if you try to keep us down we’re gonna come right back,
And you know we’re
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) are you tough enough?
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) we’re rough.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Get loose everybody ’cause we’re gonna do our thing.
(rap:) ’cause you know it ain’t over ’till the fat lady sings.
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) are you tough enough?
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) we’re rough.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, just hangin’ tough, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hangin’ tough.

You're welcome.

Words I Think I Will Avoid

The Lord of Truth points us to this story, which is tad disturbing...

A Presbyterian minister collapsed and died in mid-sentence of a sermon after saying "And when I go to heaven ...," his colleague said Monday.

The Rev. Jack Arnold, 69, was nearing the end of his sermon Sunday at Covenant Presbyterian Church in this Orlando suburb when he grabbed the podium before falling to the floor, said the Rev. Michael S. Beates, associate pastor at Covenant Presbyterian.

Before collapsing, Arnold quoted the 18th century Bible scholar, John Wesley, who said, "Until my work on this earth is done, I am immortal. But when my work for Christ is done ... I go to be with Jesus," Beates said in a telephone interview.

Several members of the congregation with medical backgrounds tried to revive the minister and paramedics were called, but Arnold appeared to die instantly, Beates said.

There's an M. Night Shymylan movie in there somewhere.

The NFL Recap, Week Seventeen

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

We apologize for the late recap, but we were busy obtaining a tan on a beach in Belize last week. Actually, we originally planned to write a recap while on the beach, but we think we can summarize the decision not to do so pretty easily. Actually, we'll do it via haiku...

Drinks on the beach, or
Write jokes about the Redskins.
Pass me the mai tai.

So now, we're stuck writing this on the plane, feeling like Steve Spurrier facing an NFL defense... What do we do?

Luckily, some things are certain in life. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's marriage, for instance. So we have the tried and true cheap way out -- the awards column. In no particular order...

Most Surprising Team: This one's easy. Jacksonville's late fade cost them a shot at this honor. All due credit to Jim Mora, Jr. and his overachieving Falcons, but they played in the NFC. We're pretty sure most of the NFC, save Philadelphia, couldn't even defeat France. So we're giving the award to Marty Schottenheimer and the Chargers, whose spirited run to a division title allowed Drew Brees the opportunity to resurrect his career and Schottenheimer the opportunity to choke away another playoff game (we swear, we wrote that Thursday). The good news for Marty is that the win allows him to place the family's gardener, chauffeur and black Labrador on the team payroll.

Most Disappointing Team: As usual, plenty of competition for this (dis)honor. We'd give this to the Giants, except no one expected them to do anything until midseason, when they turned a 5-2 start into a 6-10 finish, while also making us wonder if rookie QB Eli Manning is actually adopted (if he's Peyton's real brother, could he really play that badly?). The Vikings and Rams made spirited runs at the prize, but made the playoffs in the NFL's version of a belated Christmas gift to coaches Mike Tice and Mike Martz, neither of whom can coach their way out of a paper bag (this doesn't mean they won't make the Super Bowl -- with Terrell Owens out, the NFC isn't as tough as the proverbial paper bag). Since entry to the playoffs disqualifies you from the running, we'll have to give the award to Kansas City, which will give Dick Vermeil one more chance to cry. Yes, their defense stunk worse than a CBS News report, but people were still picking this team to make the Super Bowl in the preseason. 7-9 after that much hype makes them the choice.

Most Comical Team: Again, we invented this category so we could make fun of the Redskins, but they keep on earning it, even without Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel, and Danny's unforgettable glove. We learned last week that former Redskins safety Ifaenyi Ohalete has sued Skins star runner Clinton Portis for $20,000. Portis apparently promised Ohalete $40,000 to give up his jersey number after Portis arrived from Denver in the offseason, following "months of negotiations." No, we're not talking about the trade for Portis -- that only took a couple weeks. The negotiating over the jersey number took months. Then Portis only paid Ohalete $20,000, which showed that he'd quickly learned about being a Redskin and only delivering about half the effort you promise. Even better, we got to watch the videotape of rookie Sean Taylor's arrest for DUI, where he failed to correctly recite the alphabet, missing the letters "W" "I" and "N". Hey, it's not like a Redskin would be familiar with those letters.

MVP: Peyton Manning, Indianapolis, for his commercials, if not the TD pass record. Nothing funnier than watching Peyton chant "Cut that meat!" at a deli manager.

LVP: That stands for least valuable player. We'd like to recognize Kordell Stewart as the man who first inspired this award, but he didn't play enough to kill the Ravens this year (Brain Billick handled that all by his lonesome with his brilliant coaching). We also want to give credit to Warren Sapp, who left Tampa for Oakland but forget to bring his talent along, and Rams backup QB Chris Chandler, who seemingly forgot the fact that QBs should not throw the ball to the other team. But the winner this year is Bears backup QB Jonathan Quinn, who may or may not have been Jane Seymour's co-star on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Actually, we're pretty sure Seymour would have been a better quarterback. Quinn was so bad he allowed Jeff George to come out of exile from the Isle of Elba, or wherever he was.

Best Game: Some great choices, starting in Week One with the Patriots-Colts AFC Title Game re-match. Two week Nine Games (Tampa Bay-KC and Indy-Minnesota) also stood out, as did Week 12's snow-fest between Oakland and Denver. The Monday night affair between the Cowboys and Seahawks in Week 13 was unexpectedly good as well. But the most entertaining game was the Bengals' 58-48 win over Cleveland, which ousted Browns coach Butch Davis on a day when his backup QB threw for over 400 yards. The two teams combined to set several records, and even made the outside world take notice of Ohio for reasons other than the Presidential election... not that we liked what we saw.

Worst Game: Take any game played by the San Francisco 49ers. Owner John York fired his GM and coach after the season. He's reportedly trying to hire USC coach Pete Carroll. We'd personally suggest demoting the Niners into the Pac-10 and bringing USC up to the big leagues.

Best Endzone Celebration: Randy Moss' post-season entry will not be considered, although we recommend, for his own safety, that he not try the same thing this weekend in Philly if he visits the endzone. Let's give this to Terrell Owens, for his brilliant mocking dance of Ravens LB Ray Lewis after he scored against the Ravens back in Week 8. We all need and deserve one more endzone celebration from T.O. in the Super Bowl.

Worst Sense of Timing: Ricky Williams, for opting to leave the Dolphins just prior to training camp, waiting for the day that America and the NFL legalize marijuana use. Williams had to pay back most of his signing bonus, declared bankruptcy and was stunned to learn that the Grateful Dead were no longer touring, leaving him with nothing to do.

Worst Pre-Game Speech: Cleveland interim coach Terry Robiskie, who inspired his troops so much with a bucket and shovel before playing the world champs that they allowed Pats kick returner Bethel Johnson to return the opening kickoff for a touchdown. We're guessing that Robiskie probably won't get to keep the job, but maybe Tony Robbins has an opening.

Worst Decision by a Coach: Anything Denny Green did with his quarterbacks. In a year when a.500 record would have earned the Cardinals a playoff berth, Green opted to play musical chairs at QB in midseason, dropping youngster Josh McCown in favor of Shawn King, John Navarre and several other people from the Witness Protection Program. We're not saying they would have made the playoffs (these are the Cardinals, after all), but they would have had a chance.

Best Decision: Me, for taking a vacation.

Super Bowl Prediction... it won't be the Cowboys and Bills.

Seriously...

Eagles 24, Steelers 21.

The NFL Recap, Week Sixteen

I do these every week at work as part of my duties as Sports Czar, so why not share with the public?

Hey, I've been on vacation. So what if these games took place two weeks ago? This is about needing content, people. Besides, this was originally written on December 29th.

Once again, we present the Christmas wishlist for fans of each team – this week, the AFC. And hey, if you’re sick of Christmas, good news -- the next one's 361 days away (told you -- December 29th).

New England Patriots (13-2): This team has won 28 out of 30 games, and their fans also saw their baseball team win the World Series in October. They need another wish fulfilled like Martha Stewart needs an insider stock tip.

New York Jets (10-5): Stress relief and anti-depression medication. For a team that's 10-5, their fans are unbelieveably down. Okay, they might lose in the first round, and could even choke away the playoff berth this weekend. But did you really expect them to do this well?

Buffalo Bills (9-6): To have the NFL declare September an extension of the exhibition season, since the Bills are 9-3 since October started. Otherwise, some long johns and hot chocolate to get them to July, when the snow finally melts in Buffalo.

Miami Dolphins (4-11): For new coach Nick Saban not to watch the last game, lest he change his mind while watching their offense, which may not be as talented as the one he has at LSU.

Pittsburgh Steelers (14-1): For Bill Cowher's less-than-stellar track record in home AFC Title Games (1-3) not to ruin the amazing season of Ben Roethlisberger, who will likely complete his rookie season 14-0 as a starter. Also, they need at least 50,000 little yellow towels. You'll understand in January.

Baltimore Ravens (8-7): Someone to deflate the egos of Brian Billick and the Ravens' defense. At this rate, Maryland will need to annex Delaware just to house mirrors for Ray Lewis so he can watch himself dance.

Cincinnati Bengals (7-8): For some patience, so Carson Palmer can develop some more consistency. It would also be nice if their coach, an acclaimed defensive coordinator, might remember how to coach his defense.

Cleveland Browns (3-12): To get out of Cleveland alive, and preferably to escape Ohio in total.

Indianapolis Colts (12-3): For Peyton Manning to be hypnotized, so he believes January games in New England and Pittsburgh are the same as October games against Houston and Cleveland at home. Otherwise, he'll be spending February cheering on his favorite insurance adjusters, as per the hysterical commercial that runs during NFL games.

Jacksonville Jaguars (8-7): For a chance to play in the NFC, where the Jags would have been the second-best team in the conference.

Houston Texans (7-8): To establish some consistency -- the Texans are 3-4 at home. People should know -- you don't mess with Texas.

Tennessee Titans (4-11): Better health for McNair and company and better uniforms -- it's time to stop buying scraps of fabric at Costco. Yeesh.

San Diego Chargers (11-4): They live in San Diego, and their team is 11-4. Who cares what they want?

Denver Broncos (9-6): For people to quit calling Mike Shanahan a genius. Since John Elway retired, Shanahan has the same number of playoff wins that I do.

Kansas City Chiefs (7-8): A shift by the NFL that would allow them to use 13 players on defense, enabling them to keep teams under 30 points.

Oakland Raiders (5-10): Rabies shots.

Did Lewis and Clark Cast Absentee Ballots?

Apparently, the dead have joined the braindead in voting Democrat...

At least eight people who died well before the November general election were credited with voting in King County, raising new questions about the integrity of the vote total in the narrow governor's race, a Seattle Post-Intelligencer review has found.

The evidence of votes from dead people is the latest example of flaws in an election already rocked by misplaced votes and allegations that there were thousands more votes counted than actual voters.

County officials say they are investigating the cases pointed out by the P-I. "These are not indications of fraud," said Bill Huennekens, King County's elections supervisor. "Fraud is a concerted effort to change an election."

The P-I review found eight people who died weeks before absentee ballots were mailed out, between Oct. 13 and 15, but were credited with voting in King County. Among them was an 81-year-old Seattle woman who died in August but is recorded as having voted at the polls.

The state is required by law to send monthly lists of the deceased to county auditors so they can purge those names from their voter rolls. But those lists are sent only every few months. That means thousands of deceased voters may have been sent absentee ballots.

"If we don't receive a notice that they're dead, then we have no way of taking them off the rolls," said Dean Logan, the county's elections director. Relatives of the deceased can and do cancel some registrations, he said.

Doris McFarland said she voted for her husband, Earl, who died Oct. 7.

"I called up the elections board and said, 'Can I do it because he wanted me to vote?' " the Duvall woman said. "The person ... said, 'Well, who would know?' I said, 'I don't want to do anything that is wrong.' "

Huennekens disputed that election workers would say such a thing.

McFarland said she signed her husband's name and mailed in his ballot, along with her own. She said she had power of attorney for her 92-year-old husband, who was blind.

"If I did something that wasn't right, you can just throw that ballot out," McFarland said last night.

(hat tip: TKS) Well, at least we have a new nickname for Washington's Governor-elect (coughfraudcough) Christine Gregoire, whom Cam Edwards has dubbed "The Queen of the Undead."

I Wonder If He Can Spell Redskins

The Lord of Truth may enjoy this one, since it involves a graduate of his almost-alma mater. Okay, maybe he's not a graduate, but Redskins rookie safety Sean Taylor did attend the University of Miami for three years. Here in DC, Taylor, while having a an up-and-down season on the field, had quite a few down moments off-the-field, including an arrest for DUI. He was let off the hook this week, but the videotape of his arrest may make it even easier to mick the Redskins next year. Steve Czaben gives us the details...

Redskins safety Sean Taylor beat his DUI rap this week in Fairfax County. Good for him. From all accounts, the arrest was very suspect, to say the least. However, a few things are worth noting.

Taylor did not blow for the cop, so he’ll lose his license for a year anyway. That seems pretty messed up, especially since he beat the DUI rap. God forbid I get pulled one day, but I guess I better blow. What good is it to beat the DUI, if you lose the blow charge automatically?

The video of the cop, showed Taylor was rock solid on all the physical tests in the field sobriety test: walk in a line, touch nose, stand on one leg. Where he messed up, was the alphabet test, to which his attorney said – and I quote – “I don’t really get that alphabet test. The last time anyone asked Mr. Taylor to recite the alphabet was in the 4th grade.” WHOA? WTF! Taylor missed three letters (j, m and n) while saying the alphabet from e to o. Great work, S. Taylor. It’s all about the U! Guess he wouldn’t have missed THAT letter, if he had got to it.

Also, the judge Mitchell Mutnick said in his decision to dismiss: “I’ve seen a lot worse.” Um, THAT’s a legal lynchpin? “I’ve seen worse?” Great job, your honor.

Finally, the only player to testify was WR Laverneus Coles. Coles said he “watched” Taylor all night, and saw that he didn’t drink. How would he know? Coles testified that he thought the girl HE was dating might be dating Taylor as well, so he wanted to keep a close eye on his teammate. Super.

I'm trying to figure out a way to blame this on Dan Snyder, but I'm not there yet. Give me time.

Somebody Find a Strait Jacket

America's favorite easily offended atheist is back...

An atheist who sued because he did not want his young daughter exposed to the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance has filed a suit to bar the saying of a prayer at President Bush's inauguration.

Michael Newdow notes that two ministers delivered Christian invocations at Bush's first inaugural ceremony in 2001, and that plans call for a minister to do the same before Bush takes the oath of office Jan. 20.

In a lawsuit in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia, Newdow says the use of a prayer is unconstitutional. The case is tentatively scheduled Jan. 14.

Last year, the San Francisco-based 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tossed the same lawsuit, saying Newdow did not suffer "a sufficiently concrete and specific injury." But the decision did not bar him from filing the challenge in a different circuit.

Newdow is best known for trying to remove "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance.

You know, I sympathize with the fact that people find prayer at public events unsettling. But that doesn't mean that I won't mock those who go this far with their grievances over issues like this. I've always found lawsuits over crap like creche displays at City Hall and the like rather silly, but this is even more pointless. Can someone buy Newdow a sense of perspective? And try and use U.S. currency with the words "In God We Trust" while doing it.