Yes, Even I Can Write About Women's Golf

Yeah, this lawsuit won't get any coverage...

A former caddie for LPGA golfer Jackie Gallagher-Smith is suing her, saying she seduced him in order to get pregnant.

Gary Robinson says Gallagher-Smith, who is married, used him as "an unwitting sperm donor." He is suing for an unspecified sum, claiming fraud and intentional infliction of emotional distress. No hearing date has been set for the suit, filed in circuit court this week in West Palm Beach.

... "He was put into the position of being an unwitting sperm donor."

...Robinson, 26, began caddying for Gallagher-Smith in February 2004, and soon thereafter began receiving advances from her, he said. Robinson said he was in an emotional state after recently ending a long-term relationship with a girlfriend, and he passed off some early advances as "innocent playful activity."

The relationship became sexual about two months later and the two would sometimes engage in unprotected sex, he said. When rumors of the relationship began spreading around the tour, Gallagher-Smith told Robinson that he must deny they had anything but a work relationship, the suit states.

The funniest thing is, this may be the most coverage the LPGA Tour gets this year, other than coverage involving Michelle Wie, who's not even on the tour yet. Meanwhile, I'm betting Tiger Woods won't have this problem.

Yes, They're a News Service -- A Special One

Remember my story about St. Malachy's prophecy, suggested by RB, that appeared eleven days ago? Reuters now finds it newsworthy... ten days later.

Perhaps next week, they'll tell us about Al Gore's lockbox. Or The New Deal. Or Lee's defeat at Gettysburg.

Take a Deep Breath, Iggles Fans

I'm going to ignore the entire thing and pretend nothing happened...

With Terrell Owens absent, Donovan McNabb didn't miss his target.

While Owens skipped Philadelphia's first mini-camp practice on Friday, McNabb responded sternly to the All-Pro wide receiver's stinging comments about the quarterback's performance in the Eagles' 24-21 loss to New England in the Super Bowl.

"I don't play games in the media," McNabb said. "I'm not going to sit here and try to have a war of words. I'm a man at what I do. If there's a problem with anyone, and they feel the need to lash out, they know how to get in touch with me and we can handle it like men."

Owens -- who is holding out, presumably because he wants a new contract -- took a verbal shot at McNabb in an interview earlier this month. Some Eagles said McNabb was so ill in the fourth quarter against the Patriots that he couldn't call one play in the huddle.

"I played every snap they allowed me to play," Owens told ESPN.com. "I wasn't even running until, like, two weeks before the game. But I made sure I was in the best shape possible. I wasn't the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl."

Without mentioning Owens, McNabb had strong advice for his most loquacious teammate.

"Just keep my name out of your mouth," McNabb said. "Don't try to throw names or guys under the bus to better yourself. You never heard me say any names in any situation. You never heard me talk about any given players. I'm the guy to be professional and be a man about things."

McNabb said he hasn't spoken to Owens since hearing the inflammatory comments.

"If a comment was made about me, it would take that person to call me," he said. "I don't have to reach out to anyone."

To be fair, if McNabb had been this accurate during the Super Bowl, Iggles Nation might still be celebrating. At least we have one piece of good news, in that Brian Westbrook's agent stated that Westbrook will be in training camp.

Hey, maybe I'll watch the Phillies... nah.

And I Always Thought They Were More Dangerous After Being Eaten

I think zero tolerance is going a little far...

A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

"I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," school Principal Diana Russell said.

Well, guacamole is a dangerous weapon, and that salsa is probably of foreign origin. As for laughing or crying, that depends on whether you're a taxpayer or not.

Not So Funny Anymore

As both RB and KS reminded me, Family Guy returns to the air this Sunday night, in a much-hyped return to Fox. To be honest, I'm pretty psyched to see it, which is relatively rare by today's network TV, at least on the comedy side. Seth MacFarlane is on the cutting-edge right now, about where The Simpsons was in 1993 or so. Even then, he's running a cartoon, rather than a live-action show.

Name a great non-animated comedy series on network TV that's arrived on the air in the last decade or so. Is there one? Somebody will bring up Everybody Loves Raymond, but I've rarely watched the show. I think it's reasonably funny, but back in the 80's, that show would not have been held up as the example of terrific sitcom TV. It would have ranked somewhere around... I don't know, behind Family Ties and just ahead of Night Court and Who's The Boss.

But with even this show leaving the air, what's left? I love Arrested Development, but it's not must-see TV for me, and it might get cancelled for low ratings anyway. Somebody told me that the top-rated comedy is Two-and-A-Half Men, which would have trouble being the fourth-rated comedy in the 1990's... on Thursday night. If that's not #1, and I sincerely hope it isn't, then what is? The gawdawful one-joke Will and Grace?

It's time for someone to save sitcom TV again. Bill Cosby's probably not going to do it this time, as he did in the 1980's. I hope someone does, because seeing the laugh track disappear would be a tragedy.

A Hold on Democracy

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at how ridiculous the U.S. Senate's traditions are -- things like the filbuster and ultra-liberal charisma deficient Bay State Senators. I've already ripped the filibuster, and it's not possible to run down the list of comments I've had on Ketchup Boy and Kennedy. The Wall Street Journal takes on one more tradition that shows that getting work done in DC is ancillary to petty feuds...

With a showdown looming over the filibuster of judicial nominees, now is the time to point out another abuse of the Senate's "advise and consent" power. It's called the "hold," whereby an individual Senator can delay indefinitely a Presidential nomination, and it is seriously interfering with the operation of the executive branch.

Call it every Senator's personal "nuclear option." If he doesn't like a nominee or, more likely, doesn't like a policy of the agency to which the nominee is headed, all he has to do is inform his party leader that he is placing a hold on the nomination. Oh--and he can do so secretly, without releasing his name or a reason.

Like the filibuster, the hold appears nowhere in the Constitution but has evolved as Senators accrete more power to themselves. Senate rules say nothing about holds, which started out as a courtesy for Members who couldn't be present at votes. Oregon Democrat Ron Wyden has said holds are "a lot like the seventh-inning stretch in baseball. There is no official rule or regulation that talks about it, but it has been observed for so long that it has become a tradition."

As the article notes, the aforementioned Senator Widen and Senator Grassley of Iowa will be introducing legislation that will force Senators to disclose these holds publicly. I'm with the Journal -- let's get rid of holds entirely.

One Day in Philly Sports: Nothing Changes

I had the chance to re-live a bit of my past this week, when I was in Philly for most of the day Monday. Listening to all-sports radio, I was struck by one fundamental truth with regard to Philly sports: nothing really changes.

The big story was the Eagles' draft, of course, but it was even bigger than in other towns. That's because most sports towns have a baseball team that inspires some degree of loyalty. Philadelphia has a baseball team that inspires disgust and revulsion, mostly because management spent the last decade-plus (a) crying poor until the city and state pitched in to help build a new ballpark, and (b) employing a front office which has performed incompetently to a large degree while not being held to account. As Jayson Stark (the former Phillies beat writer who currently writes for ESPN.com) noted, this team has most everyone in baseball confused...

They have a $95-million payroll, but they've spent just three days over .500 all season – and one of them was Opening Day.

They fired their manager (Mr. Lawrence R. Bowa) because he was too volatile – yet they've still been the most volatile team in baseball (ripping off three three-game losing streaks and two three-game winning streaks in their first 19 games).

They've been talking since February about how much fun they're having, and how relaxed they are, under their upbeat new manager (Charlie Manuel), pitching coach (Rich Dubee) and hitting coach (Milt Thompson). Yet they're hitting .232 with runners in scoring position. They have the lowest average in baseball in the late innings of close games (.200). And their pitching staff has a 7.93 ERA with runners on base.

So they might be a happier bunch of people. But as they sit at the bottom of the NL East in the final week of April, they sure look a lot like the same mysterious baseball team they've been for the last two-plus seasons.

"Maybe," one scout who has watched them this April said with a laugh, "they're happy being the same."

Trust me, being a last-place team in Philly is not going to make anyone happy for long. The prevailing question in Philly on Monday was simple -- when does training camp start for the Eagles at Lehigh? Maybe the Phillies will turn it around and actually be in the pennant race, but we're not holding our breath. Trust me -- I'm more likely to follow the Eagles' mini-camp closely this weekend.

Oh, well. At least there's good food to keep us distracted.

What Would Jesus Drive?

I'm not sure what the Lord and Savior would drive, but it turns out that we know what the Pope would drive...

A second hand car once said to be registered in the name of Joseph Kardinal Ratzinger -- the new Pope Benedict - is up for sale on eBay and the sky seems to be the limit when it comes to bidding.

The vehicle, a metallic gray 1999 Volkswagen Golf, went up for auction on the German site (www.ebay.de) at a minimum price of 9,900 euros ($12,790) on Wednesday and, just over 24 hours and more than 300 bids later, the price had hit one million euros ($1.3 million).

German Web Site n-tv.de identified the seller as Benjamin Halbe, 21, from the town of Olpe in Germany's Sauerland region, who said he bought the car from a local dealer in January.

"It drives like heaven," the site quoted Halbe as saying.

The Web Site of the German newspaper Bild quoted an eBay spokeswoman in Germany as saying the online auctioneer had checked with the vehicle licensing office which had confirmed the name of the original owner was genuine.

..."Does black smoke or white smoke come out of the exhaust pipe?" one posting on the site asked - a reference to the signal used at the Vatican to show whether a new pope has been elected by the secret conclave of cardinals.

Talk about a heavenly return on investment. Meanwhile, I took three years of German in high school, and can't tell you if this is the right link or not. But enjoy.

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be A Celebrity Judge

Loyal reader KS lets me know about that other Eagles draft -- the one I could attend without looking like a geek, i.e., the Eagles Cheerleader Auditions. It turns out that ESPN's Page Two managed to get one of its writers assigned as a celebrity judge. As he notes, this was a terrible burden...

Yes, I'm a Giants fan. And yes, I can't stand the Eagles. So why the Eagles Cheerleaders?

Come on, people. Have you ever seen the famous Eagles Cheerleaders lingerie calendar? There's a reason why, when you first click on the "Cheerleaders" section of the Eagles' website, you first get a warning message saying, "Please note, this area contains age-appropriate content." The only other websites where I've seen a warning message like that pop up are ... uh, never mind.

Anyway, I happened to hear that the final audition for this year's squad was taking place last week, so I pitched (pleaded with) my editor here at Page 2 about letting me cover the festivities. We decided the story would be more fun if I could participate in the event somehow. So I called the Eagles Cheerleaders director, Barbara Zaun, with the idea of being a towel boy or a water boy backstage during the competition.

Barbara had a better idea.

"Want to be a celebrity judge?"

Hmmm. Had to think really hard about that one.

I need to apply for this job next year, and I obviously need the support of all seven of my readers. Thanks in advance.

Ouch

Teenage boys across Germany now will be piercing the livers of toads...

Toads have been exploding by the hundred in Germany because they are being attacked by crows, a veterinary surgeon revealed.

Animal welfare workers and veterinarians had reported that as many as 1,000 toads had swelled to bursting point and exploded in recent days, propelling their entrails up to a metre (three feet) into the air.

Now a veterinary surgeon, Frank Mutschmann, who has examined the remains of the toads, said they had been pierced with a single peck by crows trying to eat their livers. This in turn caused the toads to explode.

"The toads swell up as a form of self-defence. But when their livers are taken away and their stomachs are punctured, their blood vessels explode, their lungs collapse and the other organs come out," Mutschmann said.

"Crows are intelligent animals. They learn very quickly how to eat the toads' livers," he said, adding that between three and five crows could kill around 100 toads.

I'm waiting for PETA to show up and picket the crows' nest. In the meantime, I'm assuming no one will blame President Bush for this.

What Annoying Song Is Stuck In My Head Today?

If I need to suffer with a song stuck in my head, why shouldn't you have to do the same? Sometimes they're good, most times they're bad... but no matter what, they make you suffer. So I like to share the suffering whenever it happens.

As everyone knows, I prefer sports-talk radio in the morning. While nothing is as good as old-fashioned Philly sports talk radio, I'm okay (really) listening to ESPN or Fox on the XM in the morning. ESPN's Mike and Mike has a special place in my heart, since one of the Mikes (Golic) played with the Eagles as part of Buddy Ryan's legendary Gang Green defense.

Until they start doing this. This morning, for the fourth straight day, they used their theme music for the NFL draft, and it's a song from a group that's guaranteed, with almost everyone of their songs, to be stuck in your head all day long. So now it's your turn to join me.

Here's our favorite Swedish supergroup, Abba...

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking
As long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking
I can get to know you better
'Cause you know I've got so much that I wanna do
And when I dream I'm alone with you ....
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
Take a chance on me

You're welcome.

D'oh! It One More Time

My favorite TV show ever is now at 350 episodes...

The Simpsons is giving Methuselah a run for his money.

In the midst of its 16th season, America's favorite four-fingered family is about to celebrate yet another TV milestone when its 350th episode airs this Sunday on Fox.

And while even series creator Matt Groening has expressed occasional doubts that The Simpsons may have jumped the shark somewhere along the way, he and fellow producers have no plans to call it quits.

Already the longest running prime-time 'toon in TV history, an achievement that has earned it a place in Guinness World Records, The Simpsons is also the longest running comedy currently on television, far surpassing the lifespan of classic sitcoms and ratings rivals such as Cheers, Frasier and Friends.

With The Simpsons renewed through the 2005-06 season, the show will ascend the all-time list, passing Dallas (357 episodes), Alfred Hitchcock Presents (361 episodes) and My Three Sons (369). At that point, only one comedy series will have made more shows, Ozzie & Harriet with 435 during its 14-year run (Gunsmoke with 633 episodes in 20 years is the overall champ). It would take The Simpsons 20 seasons to reach the Ozzie & Harriet milestone.

But Groening and fellow executive producer Al Jean, who has been along for the ride since the family first appeared in 1989 as a cartoon spinoff of The Tracy Ullman Show, both believe The Simpsons has a shot.

"I think the show has almost reached its halfway point, which means another 17 years," Groening says in the New York Times.

The show premiered way back when I was a high school sophomore. The shorts on Tracey Ullman's show started when I was in middle school. By the time it goes off the air (if ever), I might be the father of a kid in middle school.

I know many people think the show has lost its fastball, and to some extent that's true. Hell, it's now the establishment sitcom, while South Park and Family Guy are the cutting edge, irreverant cartoons. And there's a legit danger that the show will become a parody of itself at some point.

But truth be told, it's still easily one of the best shows on TV in terms of quality, and it has more hits than misses. It's no longer at its classic level, but little would be.

As if we can leave without a quote...

Bart: "Hey Dad, can I borrow your gun tomorrow? I want to scare that old security guard over at the bank."

Homer: "Hmmm... only if you clean your room."

Marge: "No! No! No! No one's using this gun. TV said you're 58% more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder!"

Homer: "TV said that?! But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution!"

Lisa: "Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today."

Homer: "You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could walk in here any time he wants, and just start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? Do you?"

Lisa: "No."

Homer: "All right, then."

Ummmm... Second Amendment...

The Homer Simpson Diet

I think I like the Porteguese approach to the world...

Portuguese gym-goers are being urged to drink beer as part of a healthy diet in a campaign launched by the nation's main association of producers of the alcoholic beverage.

A total of 20,000 fliers outlining the health benefits of drinking up to two bottles of beer per day will be handed out to patrons arriving at gyms in Lisbon and Oporto, the nation's second-largest city, by Friday, according to the Portuguese Association of Beer Producers.

The goal is to "draw attention to some less well-known aspects of beer, such as its agricultural origins, its nutritional value and health benefits when drunk in moderation and responsibly", it said in a statement.

Krispy Kreme should try this here in the states and promote the healthy attributes of donuts. Ummmmmm... donut.

Time to Drop the Bomb

As noted in the past, I'm a huge proponent of the so-called nuclear option in the Senate. As far as I'm concerned, the Senate can and should change its rules on filibustering judges. In fact, I'm unlikely to support the filibuster for most legislation, unless the filibustering Senators are forced to actually filibuster -- at least a Senator trying to read the King James Bible into the record while continuing debate for hours on end might be funny.

But Senator Frist finally appears willing to take the Democrats on regarding this issue. The obstructionist tactics of the Democrats definitely drove GOP voters to the polls in November, and Frist understands this. As noted by Pete DuPont in the Journal, it's not like the Democrats have been consistent on this issue...

Sen. Barbara Boxer is a longtime opponent of judicial nomination filibusters. Or she was. Suddenly the light has dawned, and she realizes how wrong she was to oppose them: "I thought I knew everything. I didn't get it. . . . I am here to say I was totally wrong."

Other Democratic senators have had similar changes in belief: Joe Biden and Robert Byrd, Tom Harkin, Ted Kennedy, Joe Lieberman, Pat Leahy, Chuck Schumer and their erstwhile colleagues Lloyd Bentsen, and Tom Daschle have all vigorously opposed the use of the filibuster against judicial nominations. Mr. Schumer was for voting judicial nominations "up or down" without delay. Mr. Leahy flatly opposed a filibuster against Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court nomination: "The president and the nominee and all Americans deserve an up-or-down vote." Mr. Harkin believed "the filibuster rules are unconstitutional," Mr. Daschle declared that "democracy means majority rule, not minority gridlock," and Mr. Kennedy that "senators who believe in fairness will not let the minority of the Senate deny [the nominee] his vote by the entire Senate."

But that was then, when Democrats controlled the Senate. Now, they are a frustrated minority and it is different. Mr. Leahy has voted against cloture to end filibusters 21 out of 26 times; Mr. Kennedy, 18 out of 23. Now all these Senators practice and defend the use of filibusters against judicial nominees.

As DuPont notes, should the Dems ever regain control of the Senate and the Presidency (and should pigs fly), these same folks will probably re-discover the nuclear option. Bob Dole, who knows a few things about working in the Senate, nails it with his editorial today in my least favorite daily paper...

When I was a leader in the Senate, a judicial filibuster was not part of my procedural playbook. Asking a senator to filibuster a judicial nomination was considered an abrogation of some 200 years of Senate tradition.

To be fair, the Democrats have previously refrained from resorting to the filibuster even when confronted with controversial judicial nominees like Robert Bork and Clarence Thomas. Although these men were treated poorly, they were at least given the courtesy of an up-or-down vote on the Senate floor. At the time, filibustering their nominations was not considered a legitimate option by my Democratic colleagues - if it had been, Justice Thomas might not be on the Supreme Court today, since his nomination was approved with only 52 votes, eight short of the 60 votes needed to close debate.

That's why the current obstruction effort of the Democratic leadership is so extraordinary. President Bush has the lowest appellate-court confirmation rate of any modern president. Each of the 10 filibuster victims has been rated "qualified" or "well qualified" by the American Bar Association. Each has the support of a majority in the Senate. And each would now be serving on the federal bench if his or her nomination were subject to the traditional majority-vote standard.

This 60-vote standard for judicial nominees has the effect of arrogating power from the president to the Senate. Future presidents must now ask themselves whether their judicial nominees can secure the supermajority needed to break a potential filibuster. Political considerations will now become even more central to the judicial selection process. Is this what the framers intended?

...In the coming days, I hope changing the Senate's rules won't be necessary, but Senator Frist will be fully justified in doing so if he believes he has exhausted every effort at compromise. Of course, there is an easier solution to the impasse: Democrats can stop playing their obstruction game and let President Bush's judicial nominees receive what they are entitled to: an up-or-down vote on the floor of the world's greatest deliberative body.

Isn't this the party of counting "all the votes?" So why aren't we voting?

Wait, the king of "counting all the votes" has yet to weigh in. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr. Irrelevent himself, Al Gore...

Former Vice President Al Gore on Wednesday blamed Republican "lust for one-party domination" for the GOP campaign to change Senate rules on filibustering judicial nominees, and he assailed religious zealots for driving the effort.

Wading into the political fight that has roiled the Senate, the 2000 Democratic presidential candidate and former Tennessee senator warned that altering rules that have served the nation for 230 years would result in a breakdown in the separation of powers.

Filibuster supporters must be aghast -- they now have Gore's endorsement, which is the equivalent of the political kiss of death. If you don't believe me, ask 2004 Democratic Presidential nominee Howard Dean.

Beauty Really Is In the Eye of The Beholder

People just issued it's 50 Most Beautiful People Issue, which means little to me, since I rank somewhere below #50. But they have Julia Roberts on the cover... excuse me?

Apparently she's been on the list nine freaking times, which stuns me beyond belief, and on the cover three times, which is even more appalling. I'm sorry, but she's not beautiful. Hell, I'm an expert in not being beautiful, if you know what I look like, and there's no way on God's green Earth that Julia Roberts is one of the world's 50 most beautiful people.

Then again, Jessica Alba did make the list, so maybe I should give them credit for getting something right. And yes, the entire point of this post was to be able to link to Jessica Alba's bio.

Good News, Wildcat Fans

Johnny Red lets us know that our alma mater can let out that deep breath...

Bucking the current trend of declaring early, Villanova junior Randy Foye has decided not to test the NBA draft waters and instead will return for his senior season, a source told the Daily News.

Foye had been considering weighing his stock at June's predraft camp in Chicago.

It wouldn't have been a stretch. Strong all season, the guard really showcased his talents as the Wildcats roared into the Sweet 16 last month. He averaged 21.2 points in five postseason games (including the Big East Tournament), earning nods to both the Big East and Syracuse Regional All-Tournament teams.

...But as tempting as the lure of the NBA is, the pull to come back to the Main Line apparently was greater.

A Villanova team that finished 24-8, nearly upset eventual national champion North Carolina in the Sweet 16 and ended the year ranked 13th in the country has everyone back next year - all five starters, two key reserves, its entire bench. The 'Cats also add four talented freshmen.

I didn't even know Foye was considering this, but it makes sense to keep your options open. But I'm really glad he's back. Yeah, I know what happened when we had high expectations in the past. But I have a lot more confidence in Jay Wright, and I don't mind looking forward to next season. That alone is a new feeling for Villanova alumni and fans. We'll take it.

The Eagles Draft Analysis

Just about everyone likes the Eagles' draft. Even Mel Kiper gave them an A. And this time, I agree with the majority opinion.

The Birds under Andy Reid and Tom Heckert have had some impressive drafts (the 2002 draft has produced four starters including three Pro Bowlers) and some so-so drafts (the 2003 draft has produced L.J. Smith and precious little else, while 2001's top draft pick, Freddie Mitchell, will be leaving town this week... although the fifth-round pick of A.J. Feeley was pure genius). But one thing they deserve credit for is setting themselves up with additional maneuverability in each draft, with additional picks that they roll over from year to year. This year, they had thirteen picks, including four compensatory choices. Next year, they have nine choices right now, and may add a compensatory selection or two. When you keep rolling in young players to compete for jobs in volume (and this is a team that had six undrafted players make the team prior to the 2003 season), you make your team better.

First-round pick Mike Patterson has been dubbed with the "Baby Sapp" moniker, which is probably unfortunate, since it's unfair to label a rookie first-rounder with a less substantial pedigree with such a tag. But Patterson looks like he can play, and the Birds actually have done a decent job at judging D-line talent, from Corey Simon to Sam Rayburn. And since Simon and/or Hollis Thomas will likely be departing, Patterson will be a key player.

I also like Reggie Brown, mostly because he's got some size and strength, two attributes missing from Todd Pinkston (and to a lesser degree, Greg Lewis). Then again, Billy McMullen probably resembles Mr. America, but he can't get on the field at this point. But if the T.O. mess can be resolved, Brown in the slot next to Lewis and Owens would be fun to watch, while Pinkston could fetch everyone water.

Matt McCoy's an undersized linebacker, and the Birds' track record with drafting linebackers (see Barry Gardner and Quinton Caver) under this regime has been less than steller. Then again, Jim Johnson actually compared McCoy to Ike Reese, and if he's eventually as good as Reese was, we got a pretty good deal. On the flip side, the Birds seem to hit with running back picks in the middle rounds. Westbrook was a third rounder and Correll Buckhalter was a fourth rounder, with both providing good results. Ryan Moats might be Westbrook II. Even if he's only close, he'll be worth the pick, although his penchant for fumbling makes me nervous.

As for the rest of the picks, I can only say the following:

1. I have no idea what the nickname of the Saginaw Valley State team is.
2. I'm sorry, Sean Considine looks like he will be a terrific special teams player. But he has a long way to go to earn the right to be called the heir apparent to Brian Dawkins.
3. One of our fifth round picks is nicknamed "Scrap Iron." I think he'll be popular in South Philadelphia.
4. One of our seventh-round picks sang in the a cappella choir at Stanford. I think he'll be popular... at the Kimmell Center.
5. They drafted a six foot, eight inch left tackle in the sixth round. Maybe they should loan him to the Sixers for the playoffs.

How to Battle Best Buy

The always-entertaining James Lileks ventures out to Best Buy to purchase a DVD player, and the commentary is fabulous...

I was prepared to buy a plain-vanilla unit when I saw a player whose box proclaimed it would enhance DVDs for HDTV. Wha? Called over a salesguy. How does this work?
It adds information, he said.

Where does it get the information from? Does it call Hollywood and download extra lines? I thought I had the state of the art with a progressive scan 3:2 drop down whatever; am I missing dozens of lines of resolution? Tell me! I cannot watch another movie until I know I am seeing all available lines that make up the rich tapestry “Hollywood Homicide!” He couldn’t quite explain it. But it was better. Whatever it was.

Fine, I said, shoulders slumped. I have to have the latest & best to see movies at home. Anything to prevent that recurring dream where Roger Ebert climbs through the window and relieves himself on my home theater remotes. There are six remotes! I cannot believe a man could contain so much urine, even in a dream!

At the checkout counter the clerk asked for my phone number. “Why?” I said. I hate this new wrinkle. I just hate it. I hate the fact that I can’t buy a frickin’ candy bar without a procedure that rivals a mortgage application. I’m always interested in the rationale they give.

“We need the phone number before we can let the merchandise leave the store,” the clerk said. Practiced response, right out of the employee handbook. Fine. Let me say no, and let the burly boys tackle me as I try to leave with my paid merchandise. Sir! I need an area code sir! Then she said “This DVD player has a two or a four year extended warranty. Which one would you like today?”

This isn’t upselling; this is deceit. “Which one” doesn’t include the option of “neither,” of course. And then she offered me a free 8-week subscription to a magazine, so they could have my address as well as my phone number. Jaysus! Let me buy the fargin’ thing and let me go! You want a stool sample too? Here!

For the record, I love Best Buy, but find this habit of asking for personal information absurdly annoying as well. The rationale offered above is even dumber -- are the goods like adopted children? Will Electronic Device Welfare Services come see you if you fail to adequately care for your TV? As for a solution to this issue, try responding in Klingon pig Latin. The exasperated sales clerk will give up after five minutes, and you will have entertained everyone in line behind you.

My New Favorite Game

It doesn't do much, but it's still a great concept (hat tip: Polipundit). Maybe someone could do this for New York's senior Senator as well.

The Times Catches Up with Reality

Now here's some actual news from the left-wing dishrag -- it appears the much-maligned end to the assault weapons ban that expired in September has not resulted in a sudden surge in sales for such guns. Of course, the Times now pitches the idea that ban itself meant little because it had so many loopholes that it was ineffective. Great -- they passed ineffective legislation that had no meaning, then complained when it expired. Instapundit puts it best...

The ban was symbolic legislation, designed to bolster the media profiles and direct-mail efforts of gun control lobby groups, while building momentun for eventual complete gun confiscation (something that some gun-control enthusiasts admitted, and others unconvincingly denied). It failed at that, and in fact succeeded mostly in costing the Democrats control of the legislative and executive branches.

Hey, maybe the ban was useful for something -- it gave us a GOP majority in the House and Senate!

The Grey Lady's Gray Lady Loses Her Marbles

Each time I waste five minutes reading one of her columns, I'm amazed that Maureen Dowd has a column. Then again, she writes for the left-wing dishrag, so I suppose I shouldn't be shocked. But her latest column, where she compares Pope Benedict XVI to Vice-President Cheney, had me wondering whether she's totally lost her mind...

And just like the vice president, the new pope is a Jurassic archconservative who disdains the "if it feels good do it" culture and the revolutionary trends toward diversity and cultural openness since the 60's.

The two leaders are a match - absolutists who view the world in stark terms of good and evil, eager to prolong a patriarchal society that prohibits gay marriage and slices up pro-choice U.S. Democratic candidates.

... They are both old hands at operating in secrecy and using the levers of power for ideological advantage. They want to enlist Catholics in the conservative cause, turning confession boxes into ballot boxes with the threat that a vote for a liberal Democrat could lead to eternal damnation.

... Just as the vice president acted to solidify the view of America as a hyperpower, so the new pope views the Roman Catholic Church as the one true religion. He once branded other faiths as deficient.

Somebody call the cops! What a scoop! The Pope of the Catholic Church believes that other faiths are deficient -- talk about news!

Seriously, perhaps the new Pope is supposed to think that other religions are co-equals to his Catholic faith, but I'm lost as to why it's so awful if he believes his faith is superior. I'm pretty certain John Travolta thinks that Catholicism is inferior to Scientology, and Dowd's not complaining about that, or comparing Travolta to Cheney.

But the funniest part is when she claims that Cheney and Benedict XVI are similar because they beleieve in absolutes with regard to good and evil. Again, a news flash that we have a religious leader who believes in good and evil. Even better, a political leader who thinks the same way. Dowd seems to contemplate these things as somewhow terrible -- I think her real problem is where these men draw the line between good and evil, but she looks equally offended that they're willing to draw a line at all.

I'm also lost as to why it's a bad thing to reject certain ideas from the 1960's. Some things from the 1960's -- like the civil rights movement -- were clearly good. Others -- like the sexual revolution or the anti-war movement -- well, let's just say the jury's still out on those things. The Catholic Church is about 2,000 years old. Changing on a whim because Dowd's generation enjoyed free love and bong hits in the 1960's would be a tad out of character.

I'm going to skip the inane ranting about the Church trying to destroy the Democratic Party. The Democrats are perfectly capable of accomplishing this feat on their own, without assistance from the divine.

In the end, I'm left wondering, again, why Dowd has a column. We're probably going to be wondering for a long time.